"THE DEBATE OF CHRISTIAN SINGLES PONDERING THE IDEA OF DATING OR “KISSING DATING
GOODBYE”
BY
JAD J. KHALAF
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION 1
Selected Definition of Term “Dating” 2
Research Problem 3
Delimitations 3
Determining Authors for Research 3
Summary of Each Chapter 4
HOW THE DEBATE “KISSING DATING GOODBYE” BEGAN 5
Smart Love 5
Not the Typical Dating Book 6
The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating 6
The Debate of “Kissing Dating Goodbye” is Launched 8
OPPONENTS OF “KISSING DATING GOODBYE” 9
Boundaries in Dating 9
The Seven Benefits of Dating 10
Decrease Risks in Dating 11
Maturity Level 11
Set Boundaries 12
Give Dating a Chance 12
Clark’s Story 13
The Source 13
The Problem 14
The Solution 14
God’s Dating Rules versus the World’s Dating Rules 15
Dating With Pure Passion 16
Pure Passion 17
Christ Initiates Love 17
The Joy of Specific Love 18
Sacrificial Love 18
Pure Passion in Dating 18
Two Dating Cycles 19
Summary 20
DATING LEADS TO INTIMACY OR TO COMMITMENT? 21
Harris’ Position 21
Cloud and Townsend’s Position 22
Clark’s Position 23
Eagar’s Position 25
Summary 26
DATING SKIPS THE FRIENDSHIP STAGE? 27
Harris’ Explanation 27
Cloud and Townsend’s Response 28
Summary 30
PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP MISTAKEN FOR LOVE? 31
Harris’ Attitude Toward a Physical Relationship 31
Clark Suggests a Physical Fence 32
Summary 33
DATING ISOLATES OTHER VITAL RELATIONSHIPS? 34
Harris’ Side 34
Eagar’s Side 35
Summary 35
THE BIBLE AND SOCIETY: DATING, SEX, LOVE, AND RELATIONSHIPS 37
Joshua Harris: Gain God’s Perspective 37
Cloud and Townsend: Take God Everywhere, Including Dates 42
Jeramy Clark: Compromise versus Non-Compromise 43
Rob Eagar: Listen to the Heart 45
Summary 47
CONCLUSION 48
Researcher’s Opinion 48
BIBLIOGRAPHY 51
INTRODUCTION
The original revolution of dating involved individuals enjoying the emotional and physical benefits of
intimacy. The individuals involved in a dating relationship did not have to make any type of commitment.
Joshua Harris states, “As I see it, dating is a product of our entertainment-driven, ‘disposable-everything’
American culture. Long before Seventeen magazine ever gave teenagers tips on dating, people did things
very differently.”
Individuals interested in becoming romantically involved at the beginning of the twentieth century were
planning on marriage. A female’s family assumed that if a male spent time at their house, a proposal for
marriage was in the making. The shift in America’s culture and attitude along with the arrival of the
automobile brought “new rules” in dating. The “new rules” paved the way for individuals to date and
experience romantic love with no intentions of commitment to marriage.
Society’s attitude around the 1920s begins to reflect the concept that dating, love and romance were for
individual’s pleasure. This concept remained throughout the twentieth century. Toward the end of the
twentieth century, a young man by the name of Joshua Harris chose to speak out against the issue of
dating and support the idea of “kissing dating goodbye.” Harris began to question the concept of dating,
dating habits, and other issues that are involved in a dating relationship. The debate of Christian singles
pondering the idea of dating or “kissing dating goodbye” was launched.
Selected Definition of Term “Dating”
For the purpose of this research paper, the term dating or dating relationship refers to a one-on-one
relationship between a Christian male and a Christian female outside the context of marriage who are
focused on each other. The relationship involves or evokes attitudes, actions, emotions, thoughts,
commitments, and choices. The term Christian refers to an individual that has confessed with the mouth
that Jesus Christ is Lord, believed in the heart that God has raised Jesus Christ from the dead, and
acknowledged that he has sinned and come short of God’s glory.
Research Problem
The research problem in this paper will focus on the debate of dating versus “kissing dating goodbye.”
What was the debate about? Who started the controversy? Why did the issue of dating spark such
uproar? Who are some of the opponents of “kissing dating goodbye”? Why are they in opposition? What
are some of the pros and cons of dating? Does dating lead to intimacy or to commitment? Does dating
skip the friendship stage? Does dating mistake a physical relationship for love? Does dating isolate other
vital relationships? What does the Bible say on the issue of dating, sex, love, and relationships? What
does the world say on the same issues? What is the outcome? These questions will be explored in further
detail throughout the paper.
Delimitations
In an attempt to provide insight into the research problem, this paper limited its scope to providing research
in the area of dating or “kissing dating goodbye.” Only those that have written in the area of dating were
considered as research material.
Determining Authors for Research
The authors chosen for the purpose of the paper are Joshua Harris, Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy
Clark, and Rob Eagar. Each individual chosen has either authored or co-authored at least one book in the
area of dating. Their books have each offered advice, insight, and opinions on dating or on “kissing dating
goodbye.” Among the authors selected, Harris is the only author to suggest the idea of “kissing dating
goodbye.” Cloud, Townsend, Clark, and Eagar disagree with Harris and support the idea of dating.
Summary of Each Chapter
The first chapter will explain how the debate of dating versus “kissing dating goodbye” began. Chapter two
includes a brief summary of Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar’s stand for
supporting the idea of dating. The third chapter looks at the idea of dating leading to intimacy,
commitment, both, or neither. Chapter four explores the question, “Does dating skip the friendship stage of
a relationship?” The fifth chapter examines if a physical relationship can be mistaken for love. Chapter six
discusses the two sides of whether or not dating isolates individuals from other vital relationships. The
seventh chapter summarizes Harris, Cloud, Townsend, Clark, and Eagar’s opinions of the Bible’s view and
society’s view on subjects such as dating, sex, love, and relationships. The eighth and final chapter
provides a conclusion of the paper.
CHAPTER 1
HOW THE DEBATE “KISSING DATING GOODBYE” BEGAN
In 1997, an author by the name of Joshua Harris released a book titled I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Harris
was tired of the dating cycle that involved a dating relationship, breaking up, and feeling discouraged. In a
plea to God for something better than the dating cycle, Harris cried out, “God, I want your best for my life!
Give me something better than this!” God answered his cry by totally transforming Harris’ attitude towards
romance through “smart love.”
Smart Love
Harris developed the phrase “smart love”. “Smart love constantly grows and deepens in its practical
knowledge and insight; it opens our eyes to see God’s best for our lives, enabling us to be pure and
blameless in His sight.” The Biblical passage for “smart love” is Philippians 1:9-10, “(9) And this I pray, that
your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment; (10) That ye may approve
things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ.”
Not the Typical Dating Book
Harris makes it clear that his book is not the typical dating book. I Kissed Dating Goodbye does not offer
practical steps and solutions to fixing the dating scenario. The book does guide an individual in doing away
with the world’s view of dating and striving to live a life that works for and is pleasing towards God.
Though the title suggests that dating is the point of the book, Harris clearly states that dating is not the
point. The point of the book is to have an overview of the aspects of life that dating affects (i.e. treatment
towards others and purity in personal life). After developing an overview, Harris says that an attempt
should be made to line those aspects up with the Word of God. In the end, what really matters is what God
wants. God has a plan for each of His children’s lives. Each child can either submit or resist God’s plan for
their life.
The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating
Harris suggest that self control in dating is not the answer to avoid sexual temptations and other harmful
temptations in a relationship. He explains that temptations in a relationship are real. The society has
played a very important role in shaping defective attitudes and defective patterns for relationships. Harris
describes the attitudes and patterns as defective dating. The idea that dating has built-in problems led
Harris to develop the seven habits of defective dating.
1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment.
2. Dating tends to skip the “friendship” stage of a relationship.
3. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.
4. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships.
5. Dating, in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the
future.
6. Dating can cause discontentment with God’s gift of singleness.
7. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person’s character.
Throughout Harris’ book, examples are given to support his argument of “kissing dating goodbye.” Stories
from different perspectives are illustrated to prove his point. Harris concludes that dating can cause pain to
the male and female involved in the relationship and as a result may not produce anything good. The pain
may be too much for some people to endure on a regular basis. The need for kissing dating goodbye may
be the remedy for the male and female that is tired of the same outcome time and again.
Harris is quick to emphasize that a life lived for Christ is to be guided by the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit
should guide the male or female’s journey towards dating or towards kissing dating goodbye.
The Debate of “Kissing Dating Goodbye” is Launched
Upon the release of the book, Christian single men and women throughout the United States began to read
and rethink dating. Soon, single seminars were filled with questions about dating. Two of such questions
were, “What is the biblical position on dating?” and “Is it okay to date?” A debate was in the making as
singles were looking for answers to their questions.
CHAPTER 2
OPPONENTS OF “KISSING DATING GOODBYE”
Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye gained opposition. Some in the Christian community began to take
a stand on the issue of dating. Christian authors and leaders in opposition to Harris’ “kissing dating
goodbye” found it necessary to write their own books on dating.
Boundaries in Dating
Henry Cloud and John Townsend began to realize that singles throughout the United States were asking
questions about dating. Discussions and questions were being offered up at seminars for singles. At first,
Cloud and Townsend did not think much of the interesting questions regarding dating or kissing dating
goodbye. Finally the two men were informed that Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye was the reason
behind the discussions and questions. The Harris movement sparked an investigation on behalf of Cloud
and Townsend.
Harris’ conclusion that dating can result in pain for the male and female involved in a relationship is not
enough, according to Cloud and Townsend, to kiss dating goodbye. Cloud and Townsend believe that the
problem of hurt does not center around dating but centers around the people involved in a dating
relationship. The two illustrate their opinion by using the analogy of a drunk driver killing innocent people
while driving a car. The drunk driver, not the car, is the one responsible since he was driving. The
individuals involved in a relationship, not the concept of dating, are responsible for the hurt and other
consequences that may be associated in dating.
Cloud and Townsend support their belief by using Colossians 2:20-23:
“(20) Wherefore if ye be dead with Christ from the rudiments of the world, why, as though living in the world,
are ye subject to ordinances, (21) (Touch not; taste not; handle not; (22) Which all are to perish with the
using;) after the commandments and doctrines of men? (23) Which things have indeed a shew of wisdom in
will worship, and humility, and neglecting of the body; not in any honour to the satisfying of the flesh.”
The Seven Benefits of Dating
Harris pointed out what he called the seven habits of defective dating. Cloud and Townsend refuse to
accept Harris’ defective dating habits. The two believe that dating is not defective but effective. When a
male and female enter into a dating relationship then good can be benefited and experienced. Cloud and
Townsend came up with the seven benefits of dating.
1. Dating gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves, others, and relationships in a safe
context.
2. Dating provides a context to work through issues.
3. Dating helps build relationship skills.
4. Dating can heal and repair.
5. Dating is relational and has value in and of itself.
6. Dating lets someone learn what he or she likes in the opposite sex.
7. Dating gives a context to learn sexual self-control and other delay of gratification.
Cloud and Townsend suggests that dating can be done successfully and can assist in developing a healthy
community of friends. A dating relationship can lead to a fun and spiritually fulfilling life.
Decrease Risks in Dating
There are risks involved in dating. Some risks include emotional breakdowns, frustration, and heartbreak.
To help avoid the risks of dating, Cloud and Townsend offer some solutions for dating successfully.
Maturity Level
An individual’s maturity level can play a key role between two responsible adults experiencing successful
dating. Each person in the relationship should have some level of maturity. Freedom to make choices
based on values and responsibility in keeping the relationship healthy are two areas that can cause
problems if the individuals in the relationship are not mature. Mature individuals are able to be responsible
in what happens during the relationship. These same individuals should be mature enough to assume
responsibility to correct any area of weakness that may exist in the relationship.
Set Boundaries
A boundary in dating is a property line that sets limits in a person’s life. The boundary defines an individual
and serves to protect. Boundaries can be set through honest feelings by usage of words, through
providing distance in a relationship, and through the support of friends in distinguishing a time limit.
Individuals involved in a dating relationship or interested in a dating relationship need to set boundaries.
Cloud and Townsend say the failure to set boundaries in a relationship can lead to control issues, sexual
impropriety, and may go as far as “kissing dating goodbye”.
Give Dating a Chance
Jeramy Clark took notice that in some Christian circles the word “dating” was becoming a dirty word. He
believed the idea that “kissing dating goodbye” is not a good idea. Individual Christians may need to clean
up their dating habits and their dating acts, but ditching dating does not make one Godly. Clark decided to
tell his story and express his position on dating in I Gave Dating a Chance.
Clark’s Story
Clark experienced confusing in his own life regarding the issue of dating. At times, he was bombarded with
rules and regulations that promised happiness if followed correctly. Most often Clark was unhappy and
frustrated. The ups and downs of dating left Clark with a desire to grow closer to the Lord in every area of
life, including dating.
The Source
The desire to grow closer to the Lord led Clark to the Source of all answers, the Bible. Clark could not find
the word “dating” mentioned in the Bible’s concordance. He did find that the Bible addresses the issue of
relationships in regard to every aspect of life. Just two particular verses that Clark mentioned are Psalm
37:4, “Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”; and 2
Corinthians 6:14, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath
righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?”
The Problem
Sin is the cause of corrupting God’s design for love. Each person is born into sin. As a result of mankind’s
sinful nature, love and relationships can be sinful. A solution to solve mankind’s problem of sin is found in
Jesus Christ.
The Solution
Jesus Christ died for the sin of the world and to redeem from sinful desires. A Christian cannot defeat sin in
his own strength. The power Christ provides a Christian through the Holy Spirit’s guidance is the only
solution for the sin problem. A Christian must line up their thoughts with the Bible. “Casting down
imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringeth into
captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”, the Apostle Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 10:5.
Dating With Pure Passion
Rob Eagar experienced heartbreak when his wife of seven months walked out of his life. In search for a
companion, Eagar spent over two years searching for his soul mate. He would meet a young lady and then
watch the relationship disintegrate. Time and again this happened. Eagar considered his search the
“Great Dating Crusade.” After experiencing this crusade, he realized that individuals are not able to offer
unconditional love. Instead, individuals offer performance-based love. This type of love is based on how
an individual performs from day to day and the performance determines the type of love that will be
expressed. Eventually performance-based love wears an individual to the point of exhaustion. Romance
and relationships are only cheap substitutions in the search for true love. Eagar then felt led to write down
his view on relationships and publish them in a book entitled Dating With Pure Passion.
Pure Passion
Christian leaders and churches have offered numerous dating methods, the idea of courtship, reinstating
arranged marriages, and new guidelines for dating. Eagar believes that each individual heart is hungry for
pure passion. Jesus Christ showed His love of pure passion for mankind by giving His life as a sacrifice.
“Hereby perceive we the love of God, because He laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our
lives for the brethren.” (1 John 3:16).
Christ is the Leader of pure passion. “Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the
joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of
the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2). Eagar says that three elements of pure passion are seen in the
verse: Christ Initiates Love, the Joy of Specific Love, and Sacrificial Love.
Christ Initiates Love
Jesus Christ initiated love by dying on the cross for sinful man and reconciling God to a sinner saved by
grace. A Christian can do absolutely nothing to gain or lose Christ’s love. Every single day Christ loves His
child unconditionally.
The Joy of Specific Love
Jesus Christ endured pain and suffering during crucifixion. Hebrews 12:2 states that joy was set before
Christ as He endured the cross. Each individual person was worth the pain because Christ passionately
desires to have a relationship with sinful man. Sinful man can rest assure that Christ specifically loves and
cares for them. Pure passion involves the concept that Christ finds joy in each unique individual.
Sacrificial Love
Jesus Christ never sinned. Christ laid aside the comforts of heaven and came to earth. He took the sin of
the world and willingly gave His life as a sacrifice. The sacrificial love He had for each sinful man and
woman revealed the Christ’s pure passion. Only by faith can sinful man believe the unconditional love of
Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. A sinful man can find fulfillment in their heart for eternity.
Pure Passion in Dating
Eagar discovered that when he understood the three elements of pure passion, his dating life was
transformed. Only Christ can fulfill a lonely and hungry heart. Eagar says that when singles understand
the love of Jesus Christ then their dating life will change. After understanding Christ’s love, a single
individual will then be able to truly love another person.
Two Dating Cycles
Eagar devised two dating cycles. The first dating cycle is vicious dating cycle. The vicious dating cycle
depicts the idea of singles moving from one relationship to another relationship because of the desire to
find fulfillment in individuals.
TABLE 2. Vicious Dating Cycle
1. You are imperfect and hungry for acceptance. 2. So you date to find someone who will make you
happy. 3. Your date, however, is also imperfect and hungry for acceptance. 4. You try to please
each other but eventually make mistakes and disappoint each other. 5. Your disappoint-ment causes
conflict and rejection. 6. As the rejection mounts, you begin to look for someone else to please
you. 7. The cycle starts over.
The second dating cycle is Christ’s Love Dating Cycle. The Christ’s Love Dating Cycle comes from an
individual finding Christ’s love and unconditional acceptance. The individual then finds completeness in
Christ.
TABLE 3. Christ’s Love Dating Cycle
1. You are imperfect, but you are fulfilled by God’s love. 2. So when you date someone, he or she no
longer has to act perfectly to please you. 3. Therefore, your date is free to be himself or herself. 4.
This makes him or her feel more comfortable around you. 5. When your date makes a mistake, you
can forgive him or her as God forgave you. 6. In turn, your date enjoys being with you and encourages
a deeper relation-ship. 7. A cycle of intimacy forms, and you grow closer together.
Summary
Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar have expressed their opinions and ideas on
the issue of dating. In offering support for not “kissing dating goodbye”, these authors also agree that
Christians need to work further on the way dating has taken place.
CHAPTER 3
DATING LEADS TO INTIMACY OR TO COMMITMENT?
Joshua Harris believes that the idea of dating leads to defective dating. The first defective dating habit is
as follows: Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment. Henry Cloud, John Townsend,
Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar disagree with Harris. This chapter will look at the idea of dating leading to
intimacy, commitment, both, or neither.
Harris’ Position
Joshua Harris believes most dating relationships encourage intimacy without any real intentions of a long-
term commitment. The intimacy is encouraged just for the sake of intimacy. Relationships that do not
define a level of commitment can be dangerous if intimacy is deepening. Individuals involved in this type of
relationship open themselves up emotionally and physically. In the end of the relationship, at least one of
the individuals involved is deeply hurt.
A dating relationship that moves toward intimacy without commitment, according to Harris, is the root of the
problems dating causes. God wants individuals to enjoy an intimate relationship as a byproduct of a love
that is based on commitment. Many individuals involved in a dating relationship enjoy the emotional and
possibly the physical benefits of intimacy. The intimacy relationship is based on false romance and no real
commitment. Emotional and physical desires are awakened. The individuals involved in the intimacy
relationship without commitment cannot justly meet the awakened desires. I Thessalonians 4:6 refers to
this type of relationship as defrauding.
Cloud and Townsend’s Position
Henry Cloud and John Townsend believe that individuals involved in a dating relationship each need to
have their own boundaries. The boundaries will serve as a fence that protects the individual’s property and
beliefs. Table 4 will list some contents that are located inside individual’s boundaries. The contents will
help define and protect an individual.
TABLE 4. Some Contents Located Inside Individual’s Boundaries
1. Your love: your deepest capacity to connect and trust.
2. Your emotions: your need to own your feelings and not be controlled by someone else’s feelings.
3. Your values: your need to have your life reflect what you care about most deeply
4. You behaviors: your control over how you act in your dating relationship.
5. Your attitudes: your stances and opinions about yourself and your date.
The established boundaries will help an individual in a dating relationship. The first boundary line
establishes truthful trust. Cloud and Townsend believe that honest, truthful trust is the foundation of any
dating relationship. The individuals involved in a relationship should not be deceptive. If one individual
does not feel the relationship is moving towards commitment, then be honest and share the feeling. Do not
stay involved in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.
Clark’s Position
Jeramy Clark believes that a Christian desiring to keep his dating life under Christ’s control does not have
to kiss dating goodbye. A movement to do away with dating has gained popularity in the Christian circle.
The proponents of kissing dating goodbye say that romantic feelings lead to sinful actions, therefore a
Christian should not date. Since God created romantic feelings, a Christian can allow God to guide them in
their dating relationships.
In a dating relationship, Clark says that honesty and clarity take top priority. An individual interested in a
dating relationship needs to communicate clearly their intentions. A Christian needs to have their own set
of rules, according to God’s standards and not the world’s standards, about dating. There are some rules
that make many Christians fall into the “trap of legalism”. Clark does believe that the rules of the “trap of
legalism” make some Christians feel they are living a godly life. The rules of the “trap of legalism” may
include kissing dating goodbye, never being alone with the opposite sex, participating only with group
dates, and just writing letters.
Grace is the opposite of legalism. God has extended grace to a Christian. Some Christians take
advantage of God’s grace by freely doing whatever pleases them. Others simply fall into the trap of
legalism. Clark says that God’s grace gives a Christian the opportunity to develop personal convictions
that are based upon the Word of God.
Each individual longs for intimacy, to some degree or another. Emotional intimacy is desired because
individuals want to be loved. Inappropriate intimacy can be hurtful and painful. Certain relationships
should be reserved for emotional intimacy. To help protect against misuse, an individual must have
boundaries. The boundaries will assist in individuals getting ahead of themselves in a dating relationship.
Each individual involved in a dating relationship should seek to honor God. A Christian should seek God’s
will in a dating relationship. This will help in equipping individuals to become the person God intends for
them to be.
Eagar’s Position
Rob Eagar says that fleshy behavior revolves around one’s self. An individual that concentrates solely on
themselves in a dating relationship could assist in the destruction of the relationship. As a result, sin
happens. Satan manipulates the mind by speaking in first person. “I really want to have sex with my date
tonight,” is an example. The manipulation can be persuasive. A Christian must maintain a life of holiness
and righteousness, even in a dating relationship, by resisting Satan’s manipulation. Christ speaks positive
thoughts of truth. An example could be, “I am complete in Christ and I do not need to have sex until
marriage.”
Many Christian individuals tend to get caught in a dating pattern that involves physical affection and then
heartache. Singles are not forbidden by God to touch each other. Physical activity must be kept to the
relationship’s commitment level. This will prevent an individual from experiencing heartache. A dating
relationship can grow when the individuals develop communication and unselfish love. The quality of a
dating relationship is based on dependence upon Jesus Christ.
Eagar suggests that an individual can protect their hearts by reserving their affections until they determine
what is consistent in the person they are dating. He also believes that an individual that commits their heart
to a new relationship too quickly should keep their options open to date other people. Above all, Eagar
says that Christ’s love needs to be the driving force behind an individual’s dating decisions.
Summary
Joshua Harris maintains that dating leads to intimacy and not necessarily to commitment. He says that
defrauding an individual happens when intimacy prevails over commitment.
Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar each believe that Christian individuals that are
involved in dating need to have boundaries, rules, or protection of the heart.
CHAPTER 4
DATING SKIPS THE FRIENDSHIP STAGE?
The second habit of Joshua Harris’ idea of defective dating says that the friendship stage of a relationship
tends to be skipped because of dating. Henry Cloud and John Townsend disagree with Harris. This
chapter will explore the question, “Does dating skip the friendship stage of a relationship?”
Harris’ Explanation
Joshua Harris believes that individuals involved in one-on-one dating relationship tend to skip the friendship
stage and quickly move straight to romance. A friendship basically states that common interests exist
between individuals. In a friendship, the individuals enjoy the common interests without any expectations.
A friendship between a male and a female does not involve pressures dating causes. A dating relationship
happens when at least one individual is attracted to a member of the opposite sex. The two begin dating
and getting to know each other. The dating relationship causes pressure. Romantic expectations and
trying to determine if the same feeling is mutual are just two pressures that can be the result of a dating
relationship.
Harris explains that he is not afraid of romance. One day he will grow to love a young lady. Until then,
Harris has chosen to avoid dating relationships and not get involved in any romance. The focus of Harris
has shifted from dating to serving God during his season of singleness. The shift allows for non-romantic
friendship with the opposite sex. The non-romantic friendship can be inspiring and insightful to the
individuals involved. Harris suggests that a healthy, non-romantic friendship involves each individual
respecting the limitations of the friendship and honoring each other according to God’s Word. Romans 12:
10-11, “(10) Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another; (11)
Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord.”
Cloud and Townsend’s Response
Henry Cloud and John Townsend state that a long, lasting relationship must first be built upon friendship. A
boundary to integrate into an individual’s dating life is that every relationship be built toward friendship.
Romance should not be rushed. The physical and emotional boundaries do not need to be neglected.
Nonromantic time spent together is a great way to get to know an individual. Spend time together with a
group of friends, just hanging out, and enjoying each other’s company are some nonromantic ways of
getting to know each other. The experience of getting to know someone by first being friends can lead to
the next step, dating.
A romanticized friendship comes from romantic feelings. The feelings being felt in a friendship strive to turn
the relationship into something that is not there, romance. A healthy romance does not strive to turn the
relationship into romance but involves self-control and offers a deep, satisfying relationship. Table 5,
designed by Cloud and Townsend, will help in determining a healthy romance or a romanticized friendship.
TABLE 5. Healthy Romance versus Romanticized Friendship
Healthy Romance Romanticized Friendship
Desire is based on first being rooted in love elsewhere. Desire is based on empty neediness for the
other person.
Other’s freedom is valued. Other’s freedom is a problem.
Relationship draws in friends. Relationship shut others out.
Conflicts work out okay. Conflicts threaten the relationship.
Mutual feelings. One person feels romantic, the other doesn’t.
Friendship and romantic feelings coexist. All-friend or all-romantic feelings; can’t be both at the same
time.
Summary
Harris believes that an individual needs to focus on serving God during the season of singleness. Cloud
and Townsend believe that friendship can lead to a dating relationship. In the process, the friendship stage
is not skipped.
CHAPTER 5
PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP MISTAKEN FOR LOVE?
Joshua Harris’ third pattern of defective dating says that a physical relationship involved in dating can be
mistaken for love. Jeramy Clark says that a physical fence can define how far is too far in keeping sexual
purity. This chapter will examine both opinions.
Harris’ Attitude Toward a Physical Relationship
Joshua Harris says that physical affection in a dating relationship may feel right but only adds confusion
towards the meaning of love. Society defines sex as love and love as sex. Individuals involved in a dating
relationship often mistaken true love for sexual intimacy and physical attraction. Most dating relationships
start with physical attraction and then lead to intimacy. The individuals involved are living only for the
present. The focus then turns toward the physical aspect of the relationship.
If the friendship stage has been skipped, lust brings the individuals together. The relationship’s level of
seriousness is determined by the physical display of affection towards each other. Harris calls this sinful.
The physical affection can cause guilt, regret, and disobedience to God. An individual needs to realize that
God calls for and demands sexual purity in their lives.
Proverbs 4:23 states, “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” Jeremiah 17:9,
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” Harris says that
guarding the heart requires an individual to protect themselves from their heart’s sinfulness. The world
proclaims, “Follow your heart.” God says, “Follow Me, I know everything” (1 John 3:20).
Clark Suggests a Physical Fence
Jeramy Clark says that single individuals constantly ask the question, “How far is too far?” God’s
standards, not an individual’s feelings, are the determining factor in answering the question. The Bible has
much to say about sexual standards. 1 Peter 1:13-15 challenges to live a holy life and not live according to
the former lusts. The apostle Paul wrote in 1 Thessalonians 4:3 to abstain from fornication or sexual
promiscuity. Promiscuity can include a lack of sexual standards, doing what feels right, and going all the
way in a dating relationship. God’s command is to flee fornication (1 Corinthians 6: 18a). An individual’s
body is the temple of the Lord, has been bought with a price, and should glorify God in every aspect of life
(1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
Clark says that living a life of sexual purity does not involve just touching. The mind and heart should
remain pure and free from sinful trash. The Bible says to resist the devil (James 4:7), protect against lustful
looks (Job 31:1), and put on the full armour of God (Ephesians 6:13). Individuals involved in a dating
relationship need to have a dating plan for success and rely on God’s power (Psalm 16:8). Clark says that
God’s Word will guide an individual in establishing boundaries in dating.
Summary
Harris reminds that a dating relationship can mistake love for the physical display of affection. Clark states
that an individual can be involved in a dating relationship by God’s standards according to the Bible.
CHAPTER 6
DATING ISOLATES OTHER VITAL RELATIONSHIPS?
Joshua Harris’ fourth habit of defective dating states that dating isolates from other vital relationships. Rob
Eagar disagrees with Harris. This chapter will discuss the two sides.
Harris’ Side
Joshua Harris acknowledges that the definition of dating involves two individuals focusing on each other.
Parents, siblings, friends, and everyone else of importance are all neglected because the individuals
involved in dating each other isolate themselves from these vital relationships. One relationship should not
cause an individual to shut the world out. The result may lead an individual to focus solely on the
relationship that it begins to influence every decision in life. Each individual needs to develop and establish
ongoing communication with their parents, siblings, friends, and other important people in life. The ongoing
communication assists in making good judgments in life. Proverbs 15:22 “Without counsel purposes are
disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are established.”
Eagar’s Side
Rob Eagar believes that in a dating relationship each individual should spend time around the other person’
s family. The time spent around the family can provide insight into how the other person interacts and
reacts with their parents, siblings, and other family members. A family relationship greatly influences an
individual’s character.
Time should also be spent around the other person’s friends. Questions to think about could include,
“What is his reputation among the peers?”, “Does she have respect among the people she hangs out
with?”, and “What kind of people does he or she hang around?” Character defects can be identified when
time is spent around friends. If an individual does not have any friends, then there may be a problem.
Summary
Harris believes the definition of dating is an indication that a dating relationship can isolate family and
friends.
Eagar says that being around family and friends can reveal some insight about an individual involved in a
dating relationship.
CHAPTER 7
THE BIBLE AND SOCIETY: DATING, SEX, LOVE, AND RELATIONSHIPS
Singles can find guidance, comfort, and timeless truths throughout the pages of the Bible. This chapter will
include Joshua Harris, Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar’s opinions of the Bible’s
view and society’s view on subjects such as dating, sex, love, and relationships.
Joshua Harris: Gain God’s Perspective
Joshua Harris says that he cannot overemphasize the importance of Christians gaining God’s perspective
on love. Christians have either a choice to imitate God’s perspective on love or to imitate the world’s
perspective. Under inspiration of the Holy Spirit, the apostle Paul wrote about love in 1 Corinthians 13.
Paul wanted the church at Corinth to uphold family values. Immorality existed in Corinth. The temple of
Aphrodite had one thousand prostitutes. Sex was elevated to a religious pursuit. The church needed
direction from God. In the midst of a perverted city, Paul told the Christians to put away childish things.
Harris says that today’s society is no different than the time of the city of Corinth. Immorality exists on every
corner. Billboards, newspaper ads, television commercials, and other media outlets portray that love is sex
and sex is pleasure. The society says that the primary benefit of love is for self-fulfillment, self-comfort and
self-feeling.
God says that love points to His only begotten Son Jesus Christ hanging on a cross. Christ says that love
benefits the good of others and for God’s glory. This type of love demonstrates a selfless love (John 15:
13). True love is not based on feelings but on obedience to God’s Word (John 14:15). If an individual
loves Christ then they will obey Him (John 14:15).
Harris believes that God’s true love abolishes dating. Since the world says that dating benefits an individual’
s self, then a dating relationship is self-centered. Some questions that should be asked are as follows:
“What is being sought in dating that could not be found in a friendship?”, “What is being communicated to
the individual involved in a dating relationship?”, and “Does the relationship help or hinder the other
individual’s personal walk with Christ?” A dating relationship can enslave individuals to the lust of the flesh
and of the eyes (1 John 2:16). Godly wisdom, patience, and selflessness need to set the tone in individual’
s lives.
Harris believes that friendship, not dating, is the way individuals should pattern their relationship with the
opposite sex. “How does an individual move from friendship to marriage?” an individual may ask Harris. He
says the Bible does not contain a formula or a particular program to move from friendship to marriage.
Four stages, developed by Harris, in a friendship can result in a God-honoring romantic relationship. Stage
one is casual friendship. An individual becomes friends with and feels attracted to a member of the
opposite sex. At this point one must keep in mind three very important relational responsibilities: 1.)
Relationship with the person of attraction; 2.) Relationship with family, friends, and others; and 3.)
Relationship with God, the most important of the three. The relational responsibilities can assist in
determining if the relationship will be self-satisfying or God honoring.
Stage two seeks a deeper friendship. An individual that feels an attraction to someone should seek to build
a deeper friendship. This can be done by including him or her in real life activities with family, friends, areas
of service, and even in ministry. An accurate and unbiased view can be gained in stage two. As the
friendship progresses do not say or express romantic love. The Bible says not to awake love until it is
ready (Song of Solomon 8:4). Do not speak too soon about romantic love. Proverbs 29:20 says, “Seeth
thou a man that is hasty in his words? There is more hope of a fool than of him.” Spend time in the Bible,
seek Christ in prayer for guidance, be ready for marriage and the lifelong commitment of responsibilities,
ask for approval from family and friends, and allow God to provide a peace that passes all understanding.
Once done, then determine if the friendship is ready for stage three or should not move further along.
Stage three is purposeful intimacy with integrity, defining the relationship’s purpose to pursue marriage.
The male individual needs to be the spiritual leader of the relationship and provide direction (Ephesians 5:
23-25). Harris says the male individual needs to say something such as, “We’re growing closer in
friendship, and I need to be upfront about my motives. With your parents’ permission, I want to explore the
possibility of marriage. I’m not interested in playing the game of being boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m ready to
be tested by you, your family, and those who are responsible for you. My desire is to win your heart.” The
female individual needs to be extremely honest in her response, decline the offer or accept the offer. If the
offer is accepted then the relationship needs to be tested and built in real-life settings. At this point,
principled romance needs to begin. “Principled romance is purposeful in its pursuit of marriage, protected
in its avoidance of sexual temptation, and accountable to parents or other Christians.” Stage three’s time
frame is based upon the individuals’ confidence about getting married. Once each individual is confident
about marriage, stage four can take place.
Stage four involves the engagement between the individuals. The relationship needs to be God honoring.
Purity is very important. Reserve the passion for marriage. Behaviors such as kissing, touching, and
caressing can lead to sexual compromise. Refuse to ignite the passion of physical intimacy by avoiding the
temptation all together. A couple should focus on the Holy Spirit’s guidance to grow them spiritually and
prepare them for marriage. Harris does say that the four stages will not solve the world’s relational
problems. His hope is the four stages will bring about a renewal of purity and true romance in
relationships. In the end, Harris encourages each individual to allow God to lead in creating a one-of-a-
kind love story.
Cloud and Townsend: Take God Everywhere, Including Dates
Henry Cloud and John Townsend believe that every individual yearns for someone to connect with and
become one. God designed individuals with that yearning. The final outcome of dating is the connection
between a male and a female to become one in marriage. Between the process of dating and the altar of
marriage is the spiritual dimension of dating. At times, an individual may find difficulty in navigating through
the spiritual dimension. Many questions are posed: “Have I found the person whom God intends for me to
marry?”, “What is the way to bring Christ into the beginning of a new dating relationship?”, and “How to
handle the disagreements of spiritually issues?”
Before starting a dating relationship, determine to bring the issue of dating before Christ. Ask Him for
guidance and for help in surrendering all to Him (Acts 17:28). An individual that does not surrender to
Christ will surrender to idolatry. The idolatry can lead to a demand for dating to fulfill the selfish desires.
As Christ is pushed to the side, dating idolatry begins to take shape in an individual’s life. An effort must be
made to seek God’s wise counsel and guidance in a dating and non-dating relationship (1 Corinthians 7:32-
34).
Christian individuals need to be salt and light in a dark world (Matthew 5:13-16). A Christian individual
should be an example to Christians and non-Christians. The Bible says that a Christian should not be
unequally yoked with non-Christians (2 Corinthians 6:14). A Christian individual needs to date someone
with the same faith, shares common interests, goals, and values.
Non-churchgoers and many churchgoers cannot understand the reason behind God wanting individuals to
save sex for marriage. Some believe that sex for marriage is nothing more than a religious rule. Society
says if something feels good and both individuals consent to participate then just do it. God says abstain
from fornication, do not defraud anyone, and He commands His children to live a life of holiness (1
Thessalonians 4:3-8).
Jeramy Clark: Compromise versus Non-Compromise
Jeramy Clark says that compromise is risky to an individual. The Bible tells a story about a man by the
name of Samson (Judges 13-16). Samson, before he was born, was called by God to be set apart. Instead
of obedience to God, Samson compromised by flirting with a lustful heart, giving in to sexual temptations,
and having a weakness for women. God did use Samson to judge the children of Israel but Samson’s
compromise cost him dearly. In the end, Samson’s compromise resulted in his humiliation and death.
Clark says that compromise causes an individual to settle for something cheap and trashy. Compromise
begins with something small but eventually grows to something larger. God commands His children to live a
non-compromising life. This type of life can experience joy, peace, kindness, and self-control (Galatians 5:
22-23). Ways to build a strong foundation include studying the Bible, spend time in prayer, and fellowship
with Christians.
Pornography is rampant in today’s society. Clark says that pornography slowly but surely devours an
individual’s life, enslaves them, is devastating, and ruthless. Table 6 contains some strategies that Clark
says can successfully fight the spiritual battle against pornography.
TABLE 6. Fight the Spiritual Battle Against Pornography
1. Recognize the Battle. Pornography is a spiritual battle for you mind. The battle begins when you allow
sexual thoughts or fantasies go unchecked. Then you must wage war against the temptation to dwell on
and indulge in those desires. Pornography is a lethal drug, and the battle if for our minds and bodies.
2. Never assume you’re “above it.” Do not deceive yourself that you are above sexual sin.
3. Pray. You can win the battle against lust and pornography only be relying on God’s strength and
guidance. You must pray for God’s help in each and every situation.
4. Flee. God wants you to flee sexual temptation. He doesn’t want you to stand there and take it or try to
fight on your own. He wants you to get out of there, and quick.
5. Take captive every thought. In 2 Corinthians 10:5 we’re commanded to “demolish . . . every pretension
that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and . . . take captive every thought to make it obedient to
Christ.” Imagine capturing your ugly thought, tying it up with ropes and chains, and marching it straight to
Jesus. Create a mental picture of gaining victory over that thought. Do this with every single thought that
threatens to distract you with inappropriate sexual desire.
6. Be accountable. Don’t overlook this powerful weapon in the war on pornography. Confess your trouble
spots to another man, and be accountable to him. If you consistently have someone asking you about your
thought life and actions, you’ll be more likely to live purely. Most likely the man you ask will want your help
in return. Stay accountable in every area.
Rob Eagar: Listen to the Heart
Rob Eagar says that many singles focus strictly on the outward, not inward, qualities of an individual they
are interested in dating. The outward qualities do not provide a detail and complete picture of that
particular individual. An individual that relies completely on outward appearances is selfish. The self-
absorbed individual does not consider the needs of others and prevents pure passion. Individuals involved
in a dating relationship based solely upon outward appearances will end up in an unfulfilling relationship.
The romance will fade away and the relationship will eventually end.
A heartfelt preference in being attracted to someone of the opposite sex is not wicked. Eagar says that
many singles have been told that a heartfelt preference is wicked. The proponents use Jeremiah 17:9 and
Mark 7:21 to support their viewpoints. Those two verses, according to Eagar, refer to the old covenant.
The new covenant is established in Christ’s sacrificial death on the cross and resurrection from the dead.
Christ now dwells in the hearts of the individuals that believe in Him by faith (Ephesians 3:17-19). As a new
creation in Christ, a Christian becomes holy and righteous (2 Corinthians 5:17, 21). Christ’s desires
become the desires of the individual serving Christ (Ephesians 2:10). Christ guides an individual to
balance romance and integrity while caring about the person they will marry. Eagar says that there is
nothing wrong with desiring certain physical qualities along with desiring spiritual qualities.
Summary
Each author has their own opinions of the Bible’s view and society’s view on subjects such as dating, sex,
love, and relationships. The truth is the Bible does address these subjects in one way or another. Many
interpretations of Scripture may exist but the Bible does not change. Study and read the Bible. Allow the
Holy Spirit to guide every aspect of life. The Gospel according to John records Jesus saying, “Search the
scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me”(John 5:39).
CHAPTER 8
CONCLUSION
The purpose of this paper was to provide insight into the research problem: The debate of dating versus
“kissing dating goodbye.” A variety of questions were explored. Questions such as “What was the debate
about?”, “Who are some of the opponents of ‘kissing dating goodbye’”, and “Does dating lead to intimacy
or to commitment?”
Each side was presented in a fair and non-biased way. The research was intended for the reader to read
the paper and analyze both sides of the debate of dating versus “kissing dating goodbye.” The reader
would then form his or her own opinion.
Researcher’s Opinion
The researcher has studied the Bible, spent time in prayer, and given thought about the debate of dating
versus “kissing dating goodbye.” Around the age of fourteen or fifteen, the researcher felt that he needed
to “kiss dating goodbye” and wait for the Lord to send him a Godly, conservative, Christian wife. He has
never dated anyone. God has taught him to wait patiently. Until the Lord sends his wife, the researcher
seeks to honor and serve God during his season of singleness.
Years later, in 2001, he received a copy of Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye. The researcher found
it very uplifting and encouraging that there were Christians that believed the same concept. Throughout
the years of ministry, the researcher has shared his view of “kissing dating goodbye” with young people
and singles.
At the current age of twenty-eight, the researcher continues to hold to the same view. The researcher
believes the Lord, in His time and place, will send his wife. Until then, the researcher enjoys spending
quality time with family, friends, doing the work of an evangelist, and living the Christian life.
The researcher has felt convicted to save sex for marriage, wait to save the first kiss for his wedding day
(for the record the researcher has never kissed a young lady), and live a life of purity that is God-
honoring. He agrees with Harris in allowing God to lead in creating a one-of-a-kind love story. The
researcher does look forward to one day getting married and having his own one-of-a-kind love story that
he can share with others.
Genesis 24 is one particular chapter in the Bible that serves as an encouraging chapter to the researcher.
God had reserved a wife for Isaac. In the meantime, Isaac spent time with his family and in communication
with God. Rebekah was busy going about life as normal. The researcher imagines that Abraham and his
family sought God in prayer concerning a wife for Isaac. The researcher also believes that Rebekah and
her family sought God for her a husband. Each family contributed to trust the Lord and allow Him to work in
His time and way. In the end, God brought Isaac and Rebekah together. Their one-of-a-kind love story is
still being read today. Wow!
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Clark, Jeramy. I Gave Dating a Chance: A Biblical Perspective to Balance the Extremes. Colorado Springs:
WaterBrook Press, 2000.
Cloud, Henry, and John Townsend. Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work. Grand Rapids: Zondervan
Publishing House, 2000.
Eagar, Rob. Dating With Pure Passion: More Than Rules, More Than Courage, More Than a Formula . . .
Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 2002.
Harris, Joshua. I Kissed Dating Goodbye, First ed. Sisters, Oregon: Multonmah Publishers, Inc., 1997.
The Holy Bible. Authorized King James Version; Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1999.
GOODBYE”
BY
JAD J. KHALAF
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION 1
Selected Definition of Term “Dating” 2
Research Problem 3
Delimitations 3
Determining Authors for Research 3
Summary of Each Chapter 4
HOW THE DEBATE “KISSING DATING GOODBYE” BEGAN 5
Smart Love 5
Not the Typical Dating Book 6
The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating 6
The Debate of “Kissing Dating Goodbye” is Launched 8
OPPONENTS OF “KISSING DATING GOODBYE” 9
Boundaries in Dating 9
The Seven Benefits of Dating 10
Decrease Risks in Dating 11
Maturity Level 11
Set Boundaries 12
Give Dating a Chance 12
Clark’s Story 13
The Source 13
The Problem 14
The Solution 14
God’s Dating Rules versus the World’s Dating Rules 15
Dating With Pure Passion 16
Pure Passion 17
Christ Initiates Love 17
The Joy of Specific Love 18
Sacrificial Love 18
Pure Passion in Dating 18
Two Dating Cycles 19
Summary 20
DATING LEADS TO INTIMACY OR TO COMMITMENT? 21
Harris’ Position 21
Cloud and Townsend’s Position 22
Clark’s Position 23
Eagar’s Position 25
Summary 26
DATING SKIPS THE FRIENDSHIP STAGE? 27
Harris’ Explanation 27
Cloud and Townsend’s Response 28
Summary 30
PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP MISTAKEN FOR LOVE? 31
Harris’ Attitude Toward a Physical Relationship 31
Clark Suggests a Physical Fence 32
Summary 33
DATING ISOLATES OTHER VITAL RELATIONSHIPS? 34
Harris’ Side 34
Eagar’s Side 35
Summary 35
THE BIBLE AND SOCIETY: DATING, SEX, LOVE, AND RELATIONSHIPS 37
Joshua Harris: Gain God’s Perspective 37
Cloud and Townsend: Take God Everywhere, Including Dates 42
Jeramy Clark: Compromise versus Non-Compromise 43
Rob Eagar: Listen to the Heart 45
Summary 47
CONCLUSION 48
Researcher’s Opinion 48
BIBLIOGRAPHY 51
INTRODUCTION
The original revolution of dating involved individuals enjoying the emotional and physical benefits of
intimacy. The individuals involved in a dating relationship did not have to make any type of commitment.
Joshua Harris states, “As I see it, dating is a product of our entertainment-driven, ‘disposable-everything’
American culture. Long before Seventeen magazine ever gave teenagers tips on dating, people did things
very differently.”
Individuals interested in becoming romantically involved at the beginning of the twentieth century were
planning on marriage. A female’s family assumed that if a male spent time at their house, a proposal for
marriage was in the making. The shift in America’s culture and attitude along with the arrival of the
automobile brought “new rules” in dating. The “new rules” paved the way for individuals to date and
experience romantic love with no intentions of commitment to marriage.
Society’s attitude around the 1920s begins to reflect the concept that dating, love and romance were for
individual’s pleasure. This concept remained throughout the twentieth century. Toward the end of the
twentieth century, a young man by the name of Joshua Harris chose to speak out against the issue of
dating and support the idea of “kissing dating goodbye.” Harris began to question the concept of dating,
dating habits, and other issues that are involved in a dating relationship. The debate of Christian singles
pondering the idea of dating or “kissing dating goodbye” was launched.
Selected Definition of Term “Dating”
For the purpose of this research paper, the term dating or dating relationship refers to a one-on-one
relationship between a Christian male and a Christian female outside the context of marriage who are
focused on each other. The relationship involves or evokes attitudes, actions, emotions, thoughts,
commitments, and choices. The term Christian refers to an individual that has confessed with the mouth
that Jesus Christ is Lord, believed in the heart that God has raised Jesus Christ from the dead, and
acknowledged that he has sinned and come short of God’s glory.
Research Problem
The research problem in this paper will focus on the debate of dating versus “kissing dating goodbye.”
What was the debate about? Who started the controversy? Why did the issue of dating spark such
uproar? Who are some of the opponents of “kissing dating goodbye”? Why are they in opposition? What
are some of the pros and cons of dating? Does dating lead to intimacy or to commitment? Does dating
skip the friendship stage? Does dating mistake a physical relationship for love? Does dating isolate other
vital relationships? What does the Bible say on the issue of dating, sex, love, and relationships? What
does the world say on the same issues? What is the outcome? These questions will be explored in further
detail throughout the paper.
Delimitations
In an attempt to provide insight into the research problem, this paper limited its scope to providing research
in the area of dating or “kissing dating goodbye.” Only those that have written in the area of dating were
considered as research material.
Determining Authors for Research
The authors chosen for the purpose of the paper are Joshua Harris, Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy
Clark, and Rob Eagar. Each individual chosen has either authored or co-authored at least one book in the
area of dating. Their books have each offered advice, insight, and opinions on dating or on “kissing dating
goodbye.” Among the authors selected, Harris is the only author to suggest the idea of “kissing dating
goodbye.” Cloud, Townsend, Clark, and Eagar disagree with Harris and support the idea of dating.
Summary of Each Chapter
The first chapter will explain how the debate of dating versus “kissing dating goodbye” began. Chapter two
includes a brief summary of Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar’s stand for
supporting the idea of dating. The third chapter looks at the idea of dating leading to intimacy,
commitment, both, or neither. Chapter four explores the question, “Does dating skip the friendship stage of
a relationship?” The fifth chapter examines if a physical relationship can be mistaken for love. Chapter six
discusses the two sides of whether or not dating isolates individuals from other vital relationships. The
seventh chapter summarizes Harris, Cloud, Townsend, Clark, and Eagar’s opinions of the Bible’s view and
society’s view on subjects such as dating, sex, love, and relationships. The eighth and final chapter
provides a conclusion of the paper.
CHAPTER 1
HOW THE DEBATE “KISSING DATING GOODBYE” BEGAN
In 1997, an author by the name of Joshua Harris released a book titled I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Harris
was tired of the dating cycle that involved a dating relationship, breaking up, and feeling discouraged. In a
plea to God for something better than the dating cycle, Harris cried out, “God, I want your best for my life!
Give me something better than this!” God answered his cry by totally transforming Harris’ attitude towards
romance through “smart love.”
Smart Love
Harris developed the phrase “smart love”. “Smart love constantly grows and deepens in its practical
knowledge and insight; it opens our eyes to see God’s best for our lives, enabling us to be pure and
blameless in His sight.” The Biblical passage for “smart love” is Philippians 1:9-10, “(9) And this I pray, that
your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment; (10) That ye may approve
things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ.”
Not the Typical Dating Book
Harris makes it clear that his book is not the typical dating book. I Kissed Dating Goodbye does not offer
practical steps and solutions to fixing the dating scenario. The book does guide an individual in doing away
with the world’s view of dating and striving to live a life that works for and is pleasing towards God.
Though the title suggests that dating is the point of the book, Harris clearly states that dating is not the
point. The point of the book is to have an overview of the aspects of life that dating affects (i.e. treatment
towards others and purity in personal life). After developing an overview, Harris says that an attempt
should be made to line those aspects up with the Word of God. In the end, what really matters is what God
wants. God has a plan for each of His children’s lives. Each child can either submit or resist God’s plan for
their life.
The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating
Harris suggest that self control in dating is not the answer to avoid sexual temptations and other harmful
temptations in a relationship. He explains that temptations in a relationship are real. The society has
played a very important role in shaping defective attitudes and defective patterns for relationships. Harris
describes the attitudes and patterns as defective dating. The idea that dating has built-in problems led
Harris to develop the seven habits of defective dating.
1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment.
2. Dating tends to skip the “friendship” stage of a relationship.
3. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.
4. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships.
5. Dating, in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the
future.
6. Dating can cause discontentment with God’s gift of singleness.
7. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person’s character.
Throughout Harris’ book, examples are given to support his argument of “kissing dating goodbye.” Stories
from different perspectives are illustrated to prove his point. Harris concludes that dating can cause pain to
the male and female involved in the relationship and as a result may not produce anything good. The pain
may be too much for some people to endure on a regular basis. The need for kissing dating goodbye may
be the remedy for the male and female that is tired of the same outcome time and again.
Harris is quick to emphasize that a life lived for Christ is to be guided by the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit
should guide the male or female’s journey towards dating or towards kissing dating goodbye.
The Debate of “Kissing Dating Goodbye” is Launched
Upon the release of the book, Christian single men and women throughout the United States began to read
and rethink dating. Soon, single seminars were filled with questions about dating. Two of such questions
were, “What is the biblical position on dating?” and “Is it okay to date?” A debate was in the making as
singles were looking for answers to their questions.
CHAPTER 2
OPPONENTS OF “KISSING DATING GOODBYE”
Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye gained opposition. Some in the Christian community began to take
a stand on the issue of dating. Christian authors and leaders in opposition to Harris’ “kissing dating
goodbye” found it necessary to write their own books on dating.
Boundaries in Dating
Henry Cloud and John Townsend began to realize that singles throughout the United States were asking
questions about dating. Discussions and questions were being offered up at seminars for singles. At first,
Cloud and Townsend did not think much of the interesting questions regarding dating or kissing dating
goodbye. Finally the two men were informed that Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye was the reason
behind the discussions and questions. The Harris movement sparked an investigation on behalf of Cloud
and Townsend.
Harris’ conclusion that dating can result in pain for the male and female involved in a relationship is not
enough, according to Cloud and Townsend, to kiss dating goodbye. Cloud and Townsend believe that the
problem of hurt does not center around dating but centers around the people involved in a dating
relationship. The two illustrate their opinion by using the analogy of a drunk driver killing innocent people
while driving a car. The drunk driver, not the car, is the one responsible since he was driving. The
individuals involved in a relationship, not the concept of dating, are responsible for the hurt and other
consequences that may be associated in dating.
Cloud and Townsend support their belief by using Colossians 2:20-23:
“(20) Wherefore if ye be dead with Christ from the rudiments of the world, why, as though living in the world,
are ye subject to ordinances, (21) (Touch not; taste not; handle not; (22) Which all are to perish with the
using;) after the commandments and doctrines of men? (23) Which things have indeed a shew of wisdom in
will worship, and humility, and neglecting of the body; not in any honour to the satisfying of the flesh.”
The Seven Benefits of Dating
Harris pointed out what he called the seven habits of defective dating. Cloud and Townsend refuse to
accept Harris’ defective dating habits. The two believe that dating is not defective but effective. When a
male and female enter into a dating relationship then good can be benefited and experienced. Cloud and
Townsend came up with the seven benefits of dating.
1. Dating gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves, others, and relationships in a safe
context.
2. Dating provides a context to work through issues.
3. Dating helps build relationship skills.
4. Dating can heal and repair.
5. Dating is relational and has value in and of itself.
6. Dating lets someone learn what he or she likes in the opposite sex.
7. Dating gives a context to learn sexual self-control and other delay of gratification.
Cloud and Townsend suggests that dating can be done successfully and can assist in developing a healthy
community of friends. A dating relationship can lead to a fun and spiritually fulfilling life.
Decrease Risks in Dating
There are risks involved in dating. Some risks include emotional breakdowns, frustration, and heartbreak.
To help avoid the risks of dating, Cloud and Townsend offer some solutions for dating successfully.
Maturity Level
An individual’s maturity level can play a key role between two responsible adults experiencing successful
dating. Each person in the relationship should have some level of maturity. Freedom to make choices
based on values and responsibility in keeping the relationship healthy are two areas that can cause
problems if the individuals in the relationship are not mature. Mature individuals are able to be responsible
in what happens during the relationship. These same individuals should be mature enough to assume
responsibility to correct any area of weakness that may exist in the relationship.
Set Boundaries
A boundary in dating is a property line that sets limits in a person’s life. The boundary defines an individual
and serves to protect. Boundaries can be set through honest feelings by usage of words, through
providing distance in a relationship, and through the support of friends in distinguishing a time limit.
Individuals involved in a dating relationship or interested in a dating relationship need to set boundaries.
Cloud and Townsend say the failure to set boundaries in a relationship can lead to control issues, sexual
impropriety, and may go as far as “kissing dating goodbye”.
Give Dating a Chance
Jeramy Clark took notice that in some Christian circles the word “dating” was becoming a dirty word. He
believed the idea that “kissing dating goodbye” is not a good idea. Individual Christians may need to clean
up their dating habits and their dating acts, but ditching dating does not make one Godly. Clark decided to
tell his story and express his position on dating in I Gave Dating a Chance.
Clark’s Story
Clark experienced confusing in his own life regarding the issue of dating. At times, he was bombarded with
rules and regulations that promised happiness if followed correctly. Most often Clark was unhappy and
frustrated. The ups and downs of dating left Clark with a desire to grow closer to the Lord in every area of
life, including dating.
The Source
The desire to grow closer to the Lord led Clark to the Source of all answers, the Bible. Clark could not find
the word “dating” mentioned in the Bible’s concordance. He did find that the Bible addresses the issue of
relationships in regard to every aspect of life. Just two particular verses that Clark mentioned are Psalm
37:4, “Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”; and 2
Corinthians 6:14, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath
righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?”
The Problem
Sin is the cause of corrupting God’s design for love. Each person is born into sin. As a result of mankind’s
sinful nature, love and relationships can be sinful. A solution to solve mankind’s problem of sin is found in
Jesus Christ.
The Solution
Jesus Christ died for the sin of the world and to redeem from sinful desires. A Christian cannot defeat sin in
his own strength. The power Christ provides a Christian through the Holy Spirit’s guidance is the only
solution for the sin problem. A Christian must line up their thoughts with the Bible. “Casting down
imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringeth into
captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”, the Apostle Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 10:5.
Dating With Pure Passion
Rob Eagar experienced heartbreak when his wife of seven months walked out of his life. In search for a
companion, Eagar spent over two years searching for his soul mate. He would meet a young lady and then
watch the relationship disintegrate. Time and again this happened. Eagar considered his search the
“Great Dating Crusade.” After experiencing this crusade, he realized that individuals are not able to offer
unconditional love. Instead, individuals offer performance-based love. This type of love is based on how
an individual performs from day to day and the performance determines the type of love that will be
expressed. Eventually performance-based love wears an individual to the point of exhaustion. Romance
and relationships are only cheap substitutions in the search for true love. Eagar then felt led to write down
his view on relationships and publish them in a book entitled Dating With Pure Passion.
Pure Passion
Christian leaders and churches have offered numerous dating methods, the idea of courtship, reinstating
arranged marriages, and new guidelines for dating. Eagar believes that each individual heart is hungry for
pure passion. Jesus Christ showed His love of pure passion for mankind by giving His life as a sacrifice.
“Hereby perceive we the love of God, because He laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our
lives for the brethren.” (1 John 3:16).
Christ is the Leader of pure passion. “Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the
joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of
the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2). Eagar says that three elements of pure passion are seen in the
verse: Christ Initiates Love, the Joy of Specific Love, and Sacrificial Love.
Christ Initiates Love
Jesus Christ initiated love by dying on the cross for sinful man and reconciling God to a sinner saved by
grace. A Christian can do absolutely nothing to gain or lose Christ’s love. Every single day Christ loves His
child unconditionally.
The Joy of Specific Love
Jesus Christ endured pain and suffering during crucifixion. Hebrews 12:2 states that joy was set before
Christ as He endured the cross. Each individual person was worth the pain because Christ passionately
desires to have a relationship with sinful man. Sinful man can rest assure that Christ specifically loves and
cares for them. Pure passion involves the concept that Christ finds joy in each unique individual.
Sacrificial Love
Jesus Christ never sinned. Christ laid aside the comforts of heaven and came to earth. He took the sin of
the world and willingly gave His life as a sacrifice. The sacrificial love He had for each sinful man and
woman revealed the Christ’s pure passion. Only by faith can sinful man believe the unconditional love of
Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. A sinful man can find fulfillment in their heart for eternity.
Pure Passion in Dating
Eagar discovered that when he understood the three elements of pure passion, his dating life was
transformed. Only Christ can fulfill a lonely and hungry heart. Eagar says that when singles understand
the love of Jesus Christ then their dating life will change. After understanding Christ’s love, a single
individual will then be able to truly love another person.
Two Dating Cycles
Eagar devised two dating cycles. The first dating cycle is vicious dating cycle. The vicious dating cycle
depicts the idea of singles moving from one relationship to another relationship because of the desire to
find fulfillment in individuals.
TABLE 2. Vicious Dating Cycle
1. You are imperfect and hungry for acceptance. 2. So you date to find someone who will make you
happy. 3. Your date, however, is also imperfect and hungry for acceptance. 4. You try to please
each other but eventually make mistakes and disappoint each other. 5. Your disappoint-ment causes
conflict and rejection. 6. As the rejection mounts, you begin to look for someone else to please
you. 7. The cycle starts over.
The second dating cycle is Christ’s Love Dating Cycle. The Christ’s Love Dating Cycle comes from an
individual finding Christ’s love and unconditional acceptance. The individual then finds completeness in
Christ.
TABLE 3. Christ’s Love Dating Cycle
1. You are imperfect, but you are fulfilled by God’s love. 2. So when you date someone, he or she no
longer has to act perfectly to please you. 3. Therefore, your date is free to be himself or herself. 4.
This makes him or her feel more comfortable around you. 5. When your date makes a mistake, you
can forgive him or her as God forgave you. 6. In turn, your date enjoys being with you and encourages
a deeper relation-ship. 7. A cycle of intimacy forms, and you grow closer together.
Summary
Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar have expressed their opinions and ideas on
the issue of dating. In offering support for not “kissing dating goodbye”, these authors also agree that
Christians need to work further on the way dating has taken place.
CHAPTER 3
DATING LEADS TO INTIMACY OR TO COMMITMENT?
Joshua Harris believes that the idea of dating leads to defective dating. The first defective dating habit is
as follows: Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment. Henry Cloud, John Townsend,
Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar disagree with Harris. This chapter will look at the idea of dating leading to
intimacy, commitment, both, or neither.
Harris’ Position
Joshua Harris believes most dating relationships encourage intimacy without any real intentions of a long-
term commitment. The intimacy is encouraged just for the sake of intimacy. Relationships that do not
define a level of commitment can be dangerous if intimacy is deepening. Individuals involved in this type of
relationship open themselves up emotionally and physically. In the end of the relationship, at least one of
the individuals involved is deeply hurt.
A dating relationship that moves toward intimacy without commitment, according to Harris, is the root of the
problems dating causes. God wants individuals to enjoy an intimate relationship as a byproduct of a love
that is based on commitment. Many individuals involved in a dating relationship enjoy the emotional and
possibly the physical benefits of intimacy. The intimacy relationship is based on false romance and no real
commitment. Emotional and physical desires are awakened. The individuals involved in the intimacy
relationship without commitment cannot justly meet the awakened desires. I Thessalonians 4:6 refers to
this type of relationship as defrauding.
Cloud and Townsend’s Position
Henry Cloud and John Townsend believe that individuals involved in a dating relationship each need to
have their own boundaries. The boundaries will serve as a fence that protects the individual’s property and
beliefs. Table 4 will list some contents that are located inside individual’s boundaries. The contents will
help define and protect an individual.
TABLE 4. Some Contents Located Inside Individual’s Boundaries
1. Your love: your deepest capacity to connect and trust.
2. Your emotions: your need to own your feelings and not be controlled by someone else’s feelings.
3. Your values: your need to have your life reflect what you care about most deeply
4. You behaviors: your control over how you act in your dating relationship.
5. Your attitudes: your stances and opinions about yourself and your date.
The established boundaries will help an individual in a dating relationship. The first boundary line
establishes truthful trust. Cloud and Townsend believe that honest, truthful trust is the foundation of any
dating relationship. The individuals involved in a relationship should not be deceptive. If one individual
does not feel the relationship is moving towards commitment, then be honest and share the feeling. Do not
stay involved in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.
Clark’s Position
Jeramy Clark believes that a Christian desiring to keep his dating life under Christ’s control does not have
to kiss dating goodbye. A movement to do away with dating has gained popularity in the Christian circle.
The proponents of kissing dating goodbye say that romantic feelings lead to sinful actions, therefore a
Christian should not date. Since God created romantic feelings, a Christian can allow God to guide them in
their dating relationships.
In a dating relationship, Clark says that honesty and clarity take top priority. An individual interested in a
dating relationship needs to communicate clearly their intentions. A Christian needs to have their own set
of rules, according to God’s standards and not the world’s standards, about dating. There are some rules
that make many Christians fall into the “trap of legalism”. Clark does believe that the rules of the “trap of
legalism” make some Christians feel they are living a godly life. The rules of the “trap of legalism” may
include kissing dating goodbye, never being alone with the opposite sex, participating only with group
dates, and just writing letters.
Grace is the opposite of legalism. God has extended grace to a Christian. Some Christians take
advantage of God’s grace by freely doing whatever pleases them. Others simply fall into the trap of
legalism. Clark says that God’s grace gives a Christian the opportunity to develop personal convictions
that are based upon the Word of God.
Each individual longs for intimacy, to some degree or another. Emotional intimacy is desired because
individuals want to be loved. Inappropriate intimacy can be hurtful and painful. Certain relationships
should be reserved for emotional intimacy. To help protect against misuse, an individual must have
boundaries. The boundaries will assist in individuals getting ahead of themselves in a dating relationship.
Each individual involved in a dating relationship should seek to honor God. A Christian should seek God’s
will in a dating relationship. This will help in equipping individuals to become the person God intends for
them to be.
Eagar’s Position
Rob Eagar says that fleshy behavior revolves around one’s self. An individual that concentrates solely on
themselves in a dating relationship could assist in the destruction of the relationship. As a result, sin
happens. Satan manipulates the mind by speaking in first person. “I really want to have sex with my date
tonight,” is an example. The manipulation can be persuasive. A Christian must maintain a life of holiness
and righteousness, even in a dating relationship, by resisting Satan’s manipulation. Christ speaks positive
thoughts of truth. An example could be, “I am complete in Christ and I do not need to have sex until
marriage.”
Many Christian individuals tend to get caught in a dating pattern that involves physical affection and then
heartache. Singles are not forbidden by God to touch each other. Physical activity must be kept to the
relationship’s commitment level. This will prevent an individual from experiencing heartache. A dating
relationship can grow when the individuals develop communication and unselfish love. The quality of a
dating relationship is based on dependence upon Jesus Christ.
Eagar suggests that an individual can protect their hearts by reserving their affections until they determine
what is consistent in the person they are dating. He also believes that an individual that commits their heart
to a new relationship too quickly should keep their options open to date other people. Above all, Eagar
says that Christ’s love needs to be the driving force behind an individual’s dating decisions.
Summary
Joshua Harris maintains that dating leads to intimacy and not necessarily to commitment. He says that
defrauding an individual happens when intimacy prevails over commitment.
Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar each believe that Christian individuals that are
involved in dating need to have boundaries, rules, or protection of the heart.
CHAPTER 4
DATING SKIPS THE FRIENDSHIP STAGE?
The second habit of Joshua Harris’ idea of defective dating says that the friendship stage of a relationship
tends to be skipped because of dating. Henry Cloud and John Townsend disagree with Harris. This
chapter will explore the question, “Does dating skip the friendship stage of a relationship?”
Harris’ Explanation
Joshua Harris believes that individuals involved in one-on-one dating relationship tend to skip the friendship
stage and quickly move straight to romance. A friendship basically states that common interests exist
between individuals. In a friendship, the individuals enjoy the common interests without any expectations.
A friendship between a male and a female does not involve pressures dating causes. A dating relationship
happens when at least one individual is attracted to a member of the opposite sex. The two begin dating
and getting to know each other. The dating relationship causes pressure. Romantic expectations and
trying to determine if the same feeling is mutual are just two pressures that can be the result of a dating
relationship.
Harris explains that he is not afraid of romance. One day he will grow to love a young lady. Until then,
Harris has chosen to avoid dating relationships and not get involved in any romance. The focus of Harris
has shifted from dating to serving God during his season of singleness. The shift allows for non-romantic
friendship with the opposite sex. The non-romantic friendship can be inspiring and insightful to the
individuals involved. Harris suggests that a healthy, non-romantic friendship involves each individual
respecting the limitations of the friendship and honoring each other according to God’s Word. Romans 12:
10-11, “(10) Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another; (11)
Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord.”
Cloud and Townsend’s Response
Henry Cloud and John Townsend state that a long, lasting relationship must first be built upon friendship. A
boundary to integrate into an individual’s dating life is that every relationship be built toward friendship.
Romance should not be rushed. The physical and emotional boundaries do not need to be neglected.
Nonromantic time spent together is a great way to get to know an individual. Spend time together with a
group of friends, just hanging out, and enjoying each other’s company are some nonromantic ways of
getting to know each other. The experience of getting to know someone by first being friends can lead to
the next step, dating.
A romanticized friendship comes from romantic feelings. The feelings being felt in a friendship strive to turn
the relationship into something that is not there, romance. A healthy romance does not strive to turn the
relationship into romance but involves self-control and offers a deep, satisfying relationship. Table 5,
designed by Cloud and Townsend, will help in determining a healthy romance or a romanticized friendship.
TABLE 5. Healthy Romance versus Romanticized Friendship
Healthy Romance Romanticized Friendship
Desire is based on first being rooted in love elsewhere. Desire is based on empty neediness for the
other person.
Other’s freedom is valued. Other’s freedom is a problem.
Relationship draws in friends. Relationship shut others out.
Conflicts work out okay. Conflicts threaten the relationship.
Mutual feelings. One person feels romantic, the other doesn’t.
Friendship and romantic feelings coexist. All-friend or all-romantic feelings; can’t be both at the same
time.
Summary
Harris believes that an individual needs to focus on serving God during the season of singleness. Cloud
and Townsend believe that friendship can lead to a dating relationship. In the process, the friendship stage
is not skipped.
CHAPTER 5
PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP MISTAKEN FOR LOVE?
Joshua Harris’ third pattern of defective dating says that a physical relationship involved in dating can be
mistaken for love. Jeramy Clark says that a physical fence can define how far is too far in keeping sexual
purity. This chapter will examine both opinions.
Harris’ Attitude Toward a Physical Relationship
Joshua Harris says that physical affection in a dating relationship may feel right but only adds confusion
towards the meaning of love. Society defines sex as love and love as sex. Individuals involved in a dating
relationship often mistaken true love for sexual intimacy and physical attraction. Most dating relationships
start with physical attraction and then lead to intimacy. The individuals involved are living only for the
present. The focus then turns toward the physical aspect of the relationship.
If the friendship stage has been skipped, lust brings the individuals together. The relationship’s level of
seriousness is determined by the physical display of affection towards each other. Harris calls this sinful.
The physical affection can cause guilt, regret, and disobedience to God. An individual needs to realize that
God calls for and demands sexual purity in their lives.
Proverbs 4:23 states, “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” Jeremiah 17:9,
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” Harris says that
guarding the heart requires an individual to protect themselves from their heart’s sinfulness. The world
proclaims, “Follow your heart.” God says, “Follow Me, I know everything” (1 John 3:20).
Clark Suggests a Physical Fence
Jeramy Clark says that single individuals constantly ask the question, “How far is too far?” God’s
standards, not an individual’s feelings, are the determining factor in answering the question. The Bible has
much to say about sexual standards. 1 Peter 1:13-15 challenges to live a holy life and not live according to
the former lusts. The apostle Paul wrote in 1 Thessalonians 4:3 to abstain from fornication or sexual
promiscuity. Promiscuity can include a lack of sexual standards, doing what feels right, and going all the
way in a dating relationship. God’s command is to flee fornication (1 Corinthians 6: 18a). An individual’s
body is the temple of the Lord, has been bought with a price, and should glorify God in every aspect of life
(1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
Clark says that living a life of sexual purity does not involve just touching. The mind and heart should
remain pure and free from sinful trash. The Bible says to resist the devil (James 4:7), protect against lustful
looks (Job 31:1), and put on the full armour of God (Ephesians 6:13). Individuals involved in a dating
relationship need to have a dating plan for success and rely on God’s power (Psalm 16:8). Clark says that
God’s Word will guide an individual in establishing boundaries in dating.
Summary
Harris reminds that a dating relationship can mistake love for the physical display of affection. Clark states
that an individual can be involved in a dating relationship by God’s standards according to the Bible.
CHAPTER 6
DATING ISOLATES OTHER VITAL RELATIONSHIPS?
Joshua Harris’ fourth habit of defective dating states that dating isolates from other vital relationships. Rob
Eagar disagrees with Harris. This chapter will discuss the two sides.
Harris’ Side
Joshua Harris acknowledges that the definition of dating involves two individuals focusing on each other.
Parents, siblings, friends, and everyone else of importance are all neglected because the individuals
involved in dating each other isolate themselves from these vital relationships. One relationship should not
cause an individual to shut the world out. The result may lead an individual to focus solely on the
relationship that it begins to influence every decision in life. Each individual needs to develop and establish
ongoing communication with their parents, siblings, friends, and other important people in life. The ongoing
communication assists in making good judgments in life. Proverbs 15:22 “Without counsel purposes are
disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are established.”
Eagar’s Side
Rob Eagar believes that in a dating relationship each individual should spend time around the other person’
s family. The time spent around the family can provide insight into how the other person interacts and
reacts with their parents, siblings, and other family members. A family relationship greatly influences an
individual’s character.
Time should also be spent around the other person’s friends. Questions to think about could include,
“What is his reputation among the peers?”, “Does she have respect among the people she hangs out
with?”, and “What kind of people does he or she hang around?” Character defects can be identified when
time is spent around friends. If an individual does not have any friends, then there may be a problem.
Summary
Harris believes the definition of dating is an indication that a dating relationship can isolate family and
friends.
Eagar says that being around family and friends can reveal some insight about an individual involved in a
dating relationship.
CHAPTER 7
THE BIBLE AND SOCIETY: DATING, SEX, LOVE, AND RELATIONSHIPS
Singles can find guidance, comfort, and timeless truths throughout the pages of the Bible. This chapter will
include Joshua Harris, Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar’s opinions of the Bible’s
view and society’s view on subjects such as dating, sex, love, and relationships.
Joshua Harris: Gain God’s Perspective
Joshua Harris says that he cannot overemphasize the importance of Christians gaining God’s perspective
on love. Christians have either a choice to imitate God’s perspective on love or to imitate the world’s
perspective. Under inspiration of the Holy Spirit, the apostle Paul wrote about love in 1 Corinthians 13.
Paul wanted the church at Corinth to uphold family values. Immorality existed in Corinth. The temple of
Aphrodite had one thousand prostitutes. Sex was elevated to a religious pursuit. The church needed
direction from God. In the midst of a perverted city, Paul told the Christians to put away childish things.
Harris says that today’s society is no different than the time of the city of Corinth. Immorality exists on every
corner. Billboards, newspaper ads, television commercials, and other media outlets portray that love is sex
and sex is pleasure. The society says that the primary benefit of love is for self-fulfillment, self-comfort and
self-feeling.
God says that love points to His only begotten Son Jesus Christ hanging on a cross. Christ says that love
benefits the good of others and for God’s glory. This type of love demonstrates a selfless love (John 15:
13). True love is not based on feelings but on obedience to God’s Word (John 14:15). If an individual
loves Christ then they will obey Him (John 14:15).
Harris believes that God’s true love abolishes dating. Since the world says that dating benefits an individual’
s self, then a dating relationship is self-centered. Some questions that should be asked are as follows:
“What is being sought in dating that could not be found in a friendship?”, “What is being communicated to
the individual involved in a dating relationship?”, and “Does the relationship help or hinder the other
individual’s personal walk with Christ?” A dating relationship can enslave individuals to the lust of the flesh
and of the eyes (1 John 2:16). Godly wisdom, patience, and selflessness need to set the tone in individual’
s lives.
Harris believes that friendship, not dating, is the way individuals should pattern their relationship with the
opposite sex. “How does an individual move from friendship to marriage?” an individual may ask Harris. He
says the Bible does not contain a formula or a particular program to move from friendship to marriage.
Four stages, developed by Harris, in a friendship can result in a God-honoring romantic relationship. Stage
one is casual friendship. An individual becomes friends with and feels attracted to a member of the
opposite sex. At this point one must keep in mind three very important relational responsibilities: 1.)
Relationship with the person of attraction; 2.) Relationship with family, friends, and others; and 3.)
Relationship with God, the most important of the three. The relational responsibilities can assist in
determining if the relationship will be self-satisfying or God honoring.
Stage two seeks a deeper friendship. An individual that feels an attraction to someone should seek to build
a deeper friendship. This can be done by including him or her in real life activities with family, friends, areas
of service, and even in ministry. An accurate and unbiased view can be gained in stage two. As the
friendship progresses do not say or express romantic love. The Bible says not to awake love until it is
ready (Song of Solomon 8:4). Do not speak too soon about romantic love. Proverbs 29:20 says, “Seeth
thou a man that is hasty in his words? There is more hope of a fool than of him.” Spend time in the Bible,
seek Christ in prayer for guidance, be ready for marriage and the lifelong commitment of responsibilities,
ask for approval from family and friends, and allow God to provide a peace that passes all understanding.
Once done, then determine if the friendship is ready for stage three or should not move further along.
Stage three is purposeful intimacy with integrity, defining the relationship’s purpose to pursue marriage.
The male individual needs to be the spiritual leader of the relationship and provide direction (Ephesians 5:
23-25). Harris says the male individual needs to say something such as, “We’re growing closer in
friendship, and I need to be upfront about my motives. With your parents’ permission, I want to explore the
possibility of marriage. I’m not interested in playing the game of being boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m ready to
be tested by you, your family, and those who are responsible for you. My desire is to win your heart.” The
female individual needs to be extremely honest in her response, decline the offer or accept the offer. If the
offer is accepted then the relationship needs to be tested and built in real-life settings. At this point,
principled romance needs to begin. “Principled romance is purposeful in its pursuit of marriage, protected
in its avoidance of sexual temptation, and accountable to parents or other Christians.” Stage three’s time
frame is based upon the individuals’ confidence about getting married. Once each individual is confident
about marriage, stage four can take place.
Stage four involves the engagement between the individuals. The relationship needs to be God honoring.
Purity is very important. Reserve the passion for marriage. Behaviors such as kissing, touching, and
caressing can lead to sexual compromise. Refuse to ignite the passion of physical intimacy by avoiding the
temptation all together. A couple should focus on the Holy Spirit’s guidance to grow them spiritually and
prepare them for marriage. Harris does say that the four stages will not solve the world’s relational
problems. His hope is the four stages will bring about a renewal of purity and true romance in
relationships. In the end, Harris encourages each individual to allow God to lead in creating a one-of-a-
kind love story.
Cloud and Townsend: Take God Everywhere, Including Dates
Henry Cloud and John Townsend believe that every individual yearns for someone to connect with and
become one. God designed individuals with that yearning. The final outcome of dating is the connection
between a male and a female to become one in marriage. Between the process of dating and the altar of
marriage is the spiritual dimension of dating. At times, an individual may find difficulty in navigating through
the spiritual dimension. Many questions are posed: “Have I found the person whom God intends for me to
marry?”, “What is the way to bring Christ into the beginning of a new dating relationship?”, and “How to
handle the disagreements of spiritually issues?”
Before starting a dating relationship, determine to bring the issue of dating before Christ. Ask Him for
guidance and for help in surrendering all to Him (Acts 17:28). An individual that does not surrender to
Christ will surrender to idolatry. The idolatry can lead to a demand for dating to fulfill the selfish desires.
As Christ is pushed to the side, dating idolatry begins to take shape in an individual’s life. An effort must be
made to seek God’s wise counsel and guidance in a dating and non-dating relationship (1 Corinthians 7:32-
34).
Christian individuals need to be salt and light in a dark world (Matthew 5:13-16). A Christian individual
should be an example to Christians and non-Christians. The Bible says that a Christian should not be
unequally yoked with non-Christians (2 Corinthians 6:14). A Christian individual needs to date someone
with the same faith, shares common interests, goals, and values.
Non-churchgoers and many churchgoers cannot understand the reason behind God wanting individuals to
save sex for marriage. Some believe that sex for marriage is nothing more than a religious rule. Society
says if something feels good and both individuals consent to participate then just do it. God says abstain
from fornication, do not defraud anyone, and He commands His children to live a life of holiness (1
Thessalonians 4:3-8).
Jeramy Clark: Compromise versus Non-Compromise
Jeramy Clark says that compromise is risky to an individual. The Bible tells a story about a man by the
name of Samson (Judges 13-16). Samson, before he was born, was called by God to be set apart. Instead
of obedience to God, Samson compromised by flirting with a lustful heart, giving in to sexual temptations,
and having a weakness for women. God did use Samson to judge the children of Israel but Samson’s
compromise cost him dearly. In the end, Samson’s compromise resulted in his humiliation and death.
Clark says that compromise causes an individual to settle for something cheap and trashy. Compromise
begins with something small but eventually grows to something larger. God commands His children to live a
non-compromising life. This type of life can experience joy, peace, kindness, and self-control (Galatians 5:
22-23). Ways to build a strong foundation include studying the Bible, spend time in prayer, and fellowship
with Christians.
Pornography is rampant in today’s society. Clark says that pornography slowly but surely devours an
individual’s life, enslaves them, is devastating, and ruthless. Table 6 contains some strategies that Clark
says can successfully fight the spiritual battle against pornography.
TABLE 6. Fight the Spiritual Battle Against Pornography
1. Recognize the Battle. Pornography is a spiritual battle for you mind. The battle begins when you allow
sexual thoughts or fantasies go unchecked. Then you must wage war against the temptation to dwell on
and indulge in those desires. Pornography is a lethal drug, and the battle if for our minds and bodies.
2. Never assume you’re “above it.” Do not deceive yourself that you are above sexual sin.
3. Pray. You can win the battle against lust and pornography only be relying on God’s strength and
guidance. You must pray for God’s help in each and every situation.
4. Flee. God wants you to flee sexual temptation. He doesn’t want you to stand there and take it or try to
fight on your own. He wants you to get out of there, and quick.
5. Take captive every thought. In 2 Corinthians 10:5 we’re commanded to “demolish . . . every pretension
that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and . . . take captive every thought to make it obedient to
Christ.” Imagine capturing your ugly thought, tying it up with ropes and chains, and marching it straight to
Jesus. Create a mental picture of gaining victory over that thought. Do this with every single thought that
threatens to distract you with inappropriate sexual desire.
6. Be accountable. Don’t overlook this powerful weapon in the war on pornography. Confess your trouble
spots to another man, and be accountable to him. If you consistently have someone asking you about your
thought life and actions, you’ll be more likely to live purely. Most likely the man you ask will want your help
in return. Stay accountable in every area.
Rob Eagar: Listen to the Heart
Rob Eagar says that many singles focus strictly on the outward, not inward, qualities of an individual they
are interested in dating. The outward qualities do not provide a detail and complete picture of that
particular individual. An individual that relies completely on outward appearances is selfish. The self-
absorbed individual does not consider the needs of others and prevents pure passion. Individuals involved
in a dating relationship based solely upon outward appearances will end up in an unfulfilling relationship.
The romance will fade away and the relationship will eventually end.
A heartfelt preference in being attracted to someone of the opposite sex is not wicked. Eagar says that
many singles have been told that a heartfelt preference is wicked. The proponents use Jeremiah 17:9 and
Mark 7:21 to support their viewpoints. Those two verses, according to Eagar, refer to the old covenant.
The new covenant is established in Christ’s sacrificial death on the cross and resurrection from the dead.
Christ now dwells in the hearts of the individuals that believe in Him by faith (Ephesians 3:17-19). As a new
creation in Christ, a Christian becomes holy and righteous (2 Corinthians 5:17, 21). Christ’s desires
become the desires of the individual serving Christ (Ephesians 2:10). Christ guides an individual to
balance romance and integrity while caring about the person they will marry. Eagar says that there is
nothing wrong with desiring certain physical qualities along with desiring spiritual qualities.
Summary
Each author has their own opinions of the Bible’s view and society’s view on subjects such as dating, sex,
love, and relationships. The truth is the Bible does address these subjects in one way or another. Many
interpretations of Scripture may exist but the Bible does not change. Study and read the Bible. Allow the
Holy Spirit to guide every aspect of life. The Gospel according to John records Jesus saying, “Search the
scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me”(John 5:39).
CHAPTER 8
CONCLUSION
The purpose of this paper was to provide insight into the research problem: The debate of dating versus
“kissing dating goodbye.” A variety of questions were explored. Questions such as “What was the debate
about?”, “Who are some of the opponents of ‘kissing dating goodbye’”, and “Does dating lead to intimacy
or to commitment?”
Each side was presented in a fair and non-biased way. The research was intended for the reader to read
the paper and analyze both sides of the debate of dating versus “kissing dating goodbye.” The reader
would then form his or her own opinion.
Researcher’s Opinion
The researcher has studied the Bible, spent time in prayer, and given thought about the debate of dating
versus “kissing dating goodbye.” Around the age of fourteen or fifteen, the researcher felt that he needed
to “kiss dating goodbye” and wait for the Lord to send him a Godly, conservative, Christian wife. He has
never dated anyone. God has taught him to wait patiently. Until the Lord sends his wife, the researcher
seeks to honor and serve God during his season of singleness.
Years later, in 2001, he received a copy of Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye. The researcher found
it very uplifting and encouraging that there were Christians that believed the same concept. Throughout
the years of ministry, the researcher has shared his view of “kissing dating goodbye” with young people
and singles.
At the current age of twenty-eight, the researcher continues to hold to the same view. The researcher
believes the Lord, in His time and place, will send his wife. Until then, the researcher enjoys spending
quality time with family, friends, doing the work of an evangelist, and living the Christian life.
The researcher has felt convicted to save sex for marriage, wait to save the first kiss for his wedding day
(for the record the researcher has never kissed a young lady), and live a life of purity that is God-
honoring. He agrees with Harris in allowing God to lead in creating a one-of-a-kind love story. The
researcher does look forward to one day getting married and having his own one-of-a-kind love story that
he can share with others.
Genesis 24 is one particular chapter in the Bible that serves as an encouraging chapter to the researcher.
God had reserved a wife for Isaac. In the meantime, Isaac spent time with his family and in communication
with God. Rebekah was busy going about life as normal. The researcher imagines that Abraham and his
family sought God in prayer concerning a wife for Isaac. The researcher also believes that Rebekah and
her family sought God for her a husband. Each family contributed to trust the Lord and allow Him to work in
His time and way. In the end, God brought Isaac and Rebekah together. Their one-of-a-kind love story is
still being read today. Wow!
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Clark, Jeramy. I Gave Dating a Chance: A Biblical Perspective to Balance the Extremes. Colorado Springs:
WaterBrook Press, 2000.
Cloud, Henry, and John Townsend. Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work. Grand Rapids: Zondervan
Publishing House, 2000.
Eagar, Rob. Dating With Pure Passion: More Than Rules, More Than Courage, More Than a Formula . . .
Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 2002.
Harris, Joshua. I Kissed Dating Goodbye, First ed. Sisters, Oregon: Multonmah Publishers, Inc., 1997.
The Holy Bible. Authorized King James Version; Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1999.
| Copyright 2005-2008 Dr. Jad Khalaf, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved |
| "Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth." II Timothy 2:15 |
| Dr. Jad Khalaf |
"THE DEBATE OF CHRISTIAN SINGLES PONDERING THE IDEA OF DATING OR “KISSING DATING
GOODBYE”
BY
JAD J. KHALAF
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION 1
Selected Definition of Term “Dating” 2
Research Problem 3
Delimitations 3
Determining Authors for Research 3
Summary of Each Chapter 4
HOW THE DEBATE “KISSING DATING GOODBYE” BEGAN 5
Smart Love 5
Not the Typical Dating Book 6
The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating 6
The Debate of “Kissing Dating Goodbye” is Launched 8
OPPONENTS OF “KISSING DATING GOODBYE” 9
Boundaries in Dating 9
The Seven Benefits of Dating 10
Decrease Risks in Dating 11
Maturity Level 11
Set Boundaries 12
Give Dating a Chance 12
Clark’s Story 13
The Source 13
The Problem 14
The Solution 14
God’s Dating Rules versus the World’s Dating Rules 15
Dating With Pure Passion 16
Pure Passion 17
Christ Initiates Love 17
The Joy of Specific Love 18
Sacrificial Love 18
Pure Passion in Dating 18
Two Dating Cycles 19
Summary 20
DATING LEADS TO INTIMACY OR TO COMMITMENT? 21
Harris’ Position 21
Cloud and Townsend’s Position 22
Clark’s Position 23
Eagar’s Position 25
Summary 26
DATING SKIPS THE FRIENDSHIP STAGE? 27
Harris’ Explanation 27
Cloud and Townsend’s Response 28
Summary 30
PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP MISTAKEN FOR LOVE? 31
Harris’ Attitude Toward a Physical Relationship 31
Clark Suggests a Physical Fence 32
Summary 33
DATING ISOLATES OTHER VITAL RELATIONSHIPS? 34
Harris’ Side 34
Eagar’s Side 35
Summary 35
THE BIBLE AND SOCIETY: DATING, SEX, LOVE, AND RELATIONSHIPS 37
Joshua Harris: Gain God’s Perspective 37
Cloud and Townsend: Take God Everywhere, Including Dates 42
Jeramy Clark: Compromise versus Non-Compromise 43
Rob Eagar: Listen to the Heart 45
Summary 47
CONCLUSION 48
Researcher’s Opinion 48
BIBLIOGRAPHY 51
INTRODUCTION
The original revolution of dating involved individuals enjoying the emotional and physical benefits of
intimacy. The individuals involved in a dating relationship did not have to make any type of commitment.
Joshua Harris states, “As I see it, dating is a product of our entertainment-driven, ‘disposable-everything’
American culture. Long before Seventeen magazine ever gave teenagers tips on dating, people did things
very differently.”
Individuals interested in becoming romantically involved at the beginning of the twentieth century were
planning on marriage. A female’s family assumed that if a male spent time at their house, a proposal for
marriage was in the making. The shift in America’s culture and attitude along with the arrival of the
automobile brought “new rules” in dating. The “new rules” paved the way for individuals to date and
experience romantic love with no intentions of commitment to marriage.
Society’s attitude around the 1920s begins to reflect the concept that dating, love and romance were for
individual’s pleasure. This concept remained throughout the twentieth century. Toward the end of the
twentieth century, a young man by the name of Joshua Harris chose to speak out against the issue of
dating and support the idea of “kissing dating goodbye.” Harris began to question the concept of dating,
dating habits, and other issues that are involved in a dating relationship. The debate of Christian singles
pondering the idea of dating or “kissing dating goodbye” was launched.
Selected Definition of Term “Dating”
For the purpose of this research paper, the term dating or dating relationship refers to a one-on-one
relationship between a Christian male and a Christian female outside the context of marriage who are
focused on each other. The relationship involves or evokes attitudes, actions, emotions, thoughts,
commitments, and choices. The term Christian refers to an individual that has confessed with the mouth
that Jesus Christ is Lord, believed in the heart that God has raised Jesus Christ from the dead, and
acknowledged that he has sinned and come short of God’s glory.
Research Problem
The research problem in this paper will focus on the debate of dating versus “kissing dating goodbye.”
What was the debate about? Who started the controversy? Why did the issue of dating spark such
uproar? Who are some of the opponents of “kissing dating goodbye”? Why are they in opposition? What
are some of the pros and cons of dating? Does dating lead to intimacy or to commitment? Does dating
skip the friendship stage? Does dating mistake a physical relationship for love? Does dating isolate other
vital relationships? What does the Bible say on the issue of dating, sex, love, and relationships? What
does the world say on the same issues? What is the outcome? These questions will be explored in further
detail throughout the paper.
Delimitations
In an attempt to provide insight into the research problem, this paper limited its scope to providing research
in the area of dating or “kissing dating goodbye.” Only those that have written in the area of dating were
considered as research material.
Determining Authors for Research
The authors chosen for the purpose of the paper are Joshua Harris, Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy
Clark, and Rob Eagar. Each individual chosen has either authored or co-authored at least one book in the
area of dating. Their books have each offered advice, insight, and opinions on dating or on “kissing dating
goodbye.” Among the authors selected, Harris is the only author to suggest the idea of “kissing dating
goodbye.” Cloud, Townsend, Clark, and Eagar disagree with Harris and support the idea of dating.
Summary of Each Chapter
The first chapter will explain how the debate of dating versus “kissing dating goodbye” began. Chapter two
includes a brief summary of Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar’s stand for
supporting the idea of dating. The third chapter looks at the idea of dating leading to intimacy,
commitment, both, or neither. Chapter four explores the question, “Does dating skip the friendship stage of
a relationship?” The fifth chapter examines if a physical relationship can be mistaken for love. Chapter six
discusses the two sides of whether or not dating isolates individuals from other vital relationships. The
seventh chapter summarizes Harris, Cloud, Townsend, Clark, and Eagar’s opinions of the Bible’s view and
society’s view on subjects such as dating, sex, love, and relationships. The eighth and final chapter
provides a conclusion of the paper.
CHAPTER 1
HOW THE DEBATE “KISSING DATING GOODBYE” BEGAN
In 1997, an author by the name of Joshua Harris released a book titled I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Harris
was tired of the dating cycle that involved a dating relationship, breaking up, and feeling discouraged. In a
plea to God for something better than the dating cycle, Harris cried out, “God, I want your best for my life!
Give me something better than this!” God answered his cry by totally transforming Harris’ attitude towards
romance through “smart love.”
Smart Love
Harris developed the phrase “smart love”. “Smart love constantly grows and deepens in its practical
knowledge and insight; it opens our eyes to see God’s best for our lives, enabling us to be pure and
blameless in His sight.” The Biblical passage for “smart love” is Philippians 1:9-10, “(9) And this I pray, that
your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment; (10) That ye may approve
things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ.”
Not the Typical Dating Book
Harris makes it clear that his book is not the typical dating book. I Kissed Dating Goodbye does not offer
practical steps and solutions to fixing the dating scenario. The book does guide an individual in doing away
with the world’s view of dating and striving to live a life that works for and is pleasing towards God.
Though the title suggests that dating is the point of the book, Harris clearly states that dating is not the
point. The point of the book is to have an overview of the aspects of life that dating affects (i.e. treatment
towards others and purity in personal life). After developing an overview, Harris says that an attempt
should be made to line those aspects up with the Word of God. In the end, what really matters is what God
wants. God has a plan for each of His children’s lives. Each child can either submit or resist God’s plan for
their life.
The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating
Harris suggest that self control in dating is not the answer to avoid sexual temptations and other harmful
temptations in a relationship. He explains that temptations in a relationship are real. The society has
played a very important role in shaping defective attitudes and defective patterns for relationships. Harris
describes the attitudes and patterns as defective dating. The idea that dating has built-in problems led
Harris to develop the seven habits of defective dating.
1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment.
2. Dating tends to skip the “friendship” stage of a relationship.
3. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.
4. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships.
5. Dating, in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the
future.
6. Dating can cause discontentment with God’s gift of singleness.
7. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person’s character.
Throughout Harris’ book, examples are given to support his argument of “kissing dating goodbye.” Stories
from different perspectives are illustrated to prove his point. Harris concludes that dating can cause pain to
the male and female involved in the relationship and as a result may not produce anything good. The pain
may be too much for some people to endure on a regular basis. The need for kissing dating goodbye may
be the remedy for the male and female that is tired of the same outcome time and again.
Harris is quick to emphasize that a life lived for Christ is to be guided by the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit
should guide the male or female’s journey towards dating or towards kissing dating goodbye.
The Debate of “Kissing Dating Goodbye” is Launched
Upon the release of the book, Christian single men and women throughout the United States began to read
and rethink dating. Soon, single seminars were filled with questions about dating. Two of such questions
were, “What is the biblical position on dating?” and “Is it okay to date?” A debate was in the making as
singles were looking for answers to their questions.
CHAPTER 2
OPPONENTS OF “KISSING DATING GOODBYE”
Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye gained opposition. Some in the Christian community began to take
a stand on the issue of dating. Christian authors and leaders in opposition to Harris’ “kissing dating
goodbye” found it necessary to write their own books on dating.
Boundaries in Dating
Henry Cloud and John Townsend began to realize that singles throughout the United States were asking
questions about dating. Discussions and questions were being offered up at seminars for singles. At first,
Cloud and Townsend did not think much of the interesting questions regarding dating or kissing dating
goodbye. Finally the two men were informed that Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye was the reason
behind the discussions and questions. The Harris movement sparked an investigation on behalf of Cloud
and Townsend.
Harris’ conclusion that dating can result in pain for the male and female involved in a relationship is not
enough, according to Cloud and Townsend, to kiss dating goodbye. Cloud and Townsend believe that the
problem of hurt does not center around dating but centers around the people involved in a dating
relationship. The two illustrate their opinion by using the analogy of a drunk driver killing innocent people
while driving a car. The drunk driver, not the car, is the one responsible since he was driving. The
individuals involved in a relationship, not the concept of dating, are responsible for the hurt and other
consequences that may be associated in dating.
Cloud and Townsend support their belief by using Colossians 2:20-23:
“(20) Wherefore if ye be dead with Christ from the rudiments of the world, why, as though living in the world,
are ye subject to ordinances, (21) (Touch not; taste not; handle not; (22) Which all are to perish with the
using;) after the commandments and doctrines of men? (23) Which things have indeed a shew of wisdom in
will worship, and humility, and neglecting of the body; not in any honour to the satisfying of the flesh.”
The Seven Benefits of Dating
Harris pointed out what he called the seven habits of defective dating. Cloud and Townsend refuse to
accept Harris’ defective dating habits. The two believe that dating is not defective but effective. When a
male and female enter into a dating relationship then good can be benefited and experienced. Cloud and
Townsend came up with the seven benefits of dating.
1. Dating gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves, others, and relationships in a safe
context.
2. Dating provides a context to work through issues.
3. Dating helps build relationship skills.
4. Dating can heal and repair.
5. Dating is relational and has value in and of itself.
6. Dating lets someone learn what he or she likes in the opposite sex.
7. Dating gives a context to learn sexual self-control and other delay of gratification.
Cloud and Townsend suggests that dating can be done successfully and can assist in developing a healthy
community of friends. A dating relationship can lead to a fun and spiritually fulfilling life.
Decrease Risks in Dating
There are risks involved in dating. Some risks include emotional breakdowns, frustration, and heartbreak.
To help avoid the risks of dating, Cloud and Townsend offer some solutions for dating successfully.
Maturity Level
An individual’s maturity level can play a key role between two responsible adults experiencing successful
dating. Each person in the relationship should have some level of maturity. Freedom to make choices
based on values and responsibility in keeping the relationship healthy are two areas that can cause
problems if the individuals in the relationship are not mature. Mature individuals are able to be responsible
in what happens during the relationship. These same individuals should be mature enough to assume
responsibility to correct any area of weakness that may exist in the relationship.
Set Boundaries
A boundary in dating is a property line that sets limits in a person’s life. The boundary defines an individual
and serves to protect. Boundaries can be set through honest feelings by usage of words, through
providing distance in a relationship, and through the support of friends in distinguishing a time limit.
Individuals involved in a dating relationship or interested in a dating relationship need to set boundaries.
Cloud and Townsend say the failure to set boundaries in a relationship can lead to control issues, sexual
impropriety, and may go as far as “kissing dating goodbye”.
Give Dating a Chance
Jeramy Clark took notice that in some Christian circles the word “dating” was becoming a dirty word. He
believed the idea that “kissing dating goodbye” is not a good idea. Individual Christians may need to clean
up their dating habits and their dating acts, but ditching dating does not make one Godly. Clark decided to
tell his story and express his position on dating in I Gave Dating a Chance.
Clark’s Story
Clark experienced confusing in his own life regarding the issue of dating. At times, he was bombarded with
rules and regulations that promised happiness if followed correctly. Most often Clark was unhappy and
frustrated. The ups and downs of dating left Clark with a desire to grow closer to the Lord in every area of
life, including dating.
The Source
The desire to grow closer to the Lord led Clark to the Source of all answers, the Bible. Clark could not find
the word “dating” mentioned in the Bible’s concordance. He did find that the Bible addresses the issue of
relationships in regard to every aspect of life. Just two particular verses that Clark mentioned are Psalm
37:4, “Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”; and 2
Corinthians 6:14, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath
righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?”
The Problem
Sin is the cause of corrupting God’s design for love. Each person is born into sin. As a result of mankind’s
sinful nature, love and relationships can be sinful. A solution to solve mankind’s problem of sin is found in
Jesus Christ.
The Solution
Jesus Christ died for the sin of the world and to redeem from sinful desires. A Christian cannot defeat sin in
his own strength. The power Christ provides a Christian through the Holy Spirit’s guidance is the only
solution for the sin problem. A Christian must line up their thoughts with the Bible. “Casting down
imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringeth into
captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”, the Apostle Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 10:5.
Dating With Pure Passion
Rob Eagar experienced heartbreak when his wife of seven months walked out of his life. In search for a
companion, Eagar spent over two years searching for his soul mate. He would meet a young lady and then
watch the relationship disintegrate. Time and again this happened. Eagar considered his search the
“Great Dating Crusade.” After experiencing this crusade, he realized that individuals are not able to offer
unconditional love. Instead, individuals offer performance-based love. This type of love is based on how
an individual performs from day to day and the performance determines the type of love that will be
expressed. Eventually performance-based love wears an individual to the point of exhaustion. Romance
and relationships are only cheap substitutions in the search for true love. Eagar then felt led to write down
his view on relationships and publish them in a book entitled Dating With Pure Passion.
Pure Passion
Christian leaders and churches have offered numerous dating methods, the idea of courtship, reinstating
arranged marriages, and new guidelines for dating. Eagar believes that each individual heart is hungry for
pure passion. Jesus Christ showed His love of pure passion for mankind by giving His life as a sacrifice.
“Hereby perceive we the love of God, because He laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our
lives for the brethren.” (1 John 3:16).
Christ is the Leader of pure passion. “Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the
joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of
the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2). Eagar says that three elements of pure passion are seen in the
verse: Christ Initiates Love, the Joy of Specific Love, and Sacrificial Love.
Christ Initiates Love
Jesus Christ initiated love by dying on the cross for sinful man and reconciling God to a sinner saved by
grace. A Christian can do absolutely nothing to gain or lose Christ’s love. Every single day Christ loves His
child unconditionally.
The Joy of Specific Love
Jesus Christ endured pain and suffering during crucifixion. Hebrews 12:2 states that joy was set before
Christ as He endured the cross. Each individual person was worth the pain because Christ passionately
desires to have a relationship with sinful man. Sinful man can rest assure that Christ specifically loves and
cares for them. Pure passion involves the concept that Christ finds joy in each unique individual.
Sacrificial Love
Jesus Christ never sinned. Christ laid aside the comforts of heaven and came to earth. He took the sin of
the world and willingly gave His life as a sacrifice. The sacrificial love He had for each sinful man and
woman revealed the Christ’s pure passion. Only by faith can sinful man believe the unconditional love of
Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. A sinful man can find fulfillment in their heart for eternity.
Pure Passion in Dating
Eagar discovered that when he understood the three elements of pure passion, his dating life was
transformed. Only Christ can fulfill a lonely and hungry heart. Eagar says that when singles understand
the love of Jesus Christ then their dating life will change. After understanding Christ’s love, a single
individual will then be able to truly love another person.
Two Dating Cycles
Eagar devised two dating cycles. The first dating cycle is vicious dating cycle. The vicious dating cycle
depicts the idea of singles moving from one relationship to another relationship because of the desire to
find fulfillment in individuals.
TABLE 2. Vicious Dating Cycle
1. You are imperfect and hungry for acceptance. 2. So you date to find someone who will make you
happy. 3. Your date, however, is also imperfect and hungry for acceptance. 4. You try to please
each other but eventually make mistakes and disappoint each other. 5. Your disappoint-ment causes
conflict and rejection. 6. As the rejection mounts, you begin to look for someone else to please
you. 7. The cycle starts over.
The second dating cycle is Christ’s Love Dating Cycle. The Christ’s Love Dating Cycle comes from an
individual finding Christ’s love and unconditional acceptance. The individual then finds completeness in
Christ.
TABLE 3. Christ’s Love Dating Cycle
1. You are imperfect, but you are fulfilled by God’s love. 2. So when you date someone, he or she no
longer has to act perfectly to please you. 3. Therefore, your date is free to be himself or herself. 4.
This makes him or her feel more comfortable around you. 5. When your date makes a mistake, you
can forgive him or her as God forgave you. 6. In turn, your date enjoys being with you and encourages
a deeper relation-ship. 7. A cycle of intimacy forms, and you grow closer together.
Summary
Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar have expressed their opinions and ideas on
the issue of dating. In offering support for not “kissing dating goodbye”, these authors also agree that
Christians need to work further on the way dating has taken place.
CHAPTER 3
DATING LEADS TO INTIMACY OR TO COMMITMENT?
Joshua Harris believes that the idea of dating leads to defective dating. The first defective dating habit is
as follows: Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment. Henry Cloud, John Townsend,
Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar disagree with Harris. This chapter will look at the idea of dating leading to
intimacy, commitment, both, or neither.
Harris’ Position
Joshua Harris believes most dating relationships encourage intimacy without any real intentions of a long-
term commitment. The intimacy is encouraged just for the sake of intimacy. Relationships that do not
define a level of commitment can be dangerous if intimacy is deepening. Individuals involved in this type of
relationship open themselves up emotionally and physically. In the end of the relationship, at least one of
the individuals involved is deeply hurt.
A dating relationship that moves toward intimacy without commitment, according to Harris, is the root of the
problems dating causes. God wants individuals to enjoy an intimate relationship as a byproduct of a love
that is based on commitment. Many individuals involved in a dating relationship enjoy the emotional and
possibly the physical benefits of intimacy. The intimacy relationship is based on false romance and no real
commitment. Emotional and physical desires are awakened. The individuals involved in the intimacy
relationship without commitment cannot justly meet the awakened desires. I Thessalonians 4:6 refers to
this type of relationship as defrauding.
Cloud and Townsend’s Position
Henry Cloud and John Townsend believe that individuals involved in a dating relationship each need to
have their own boundaries. The boundaries will serve as a fence that protects the individual’s property and
beliefs. Table 4 will list some contents that are located inside individual’s boundaries. The contents will
help define and protect an individual.
TABLE 4. Some Contents Located Inside Individual’s Boundaries
1. Your love: your deepest capacity to connect and trust.
2. Your emotions: your need to own your feelings and not be controlled by someone else’s feelings.
3. Your values: your need to have your life reflect what you care about most deeply
4. You behaviors: your control over how you act in your dating relationship.
5. Your attitudes: your stances and opinions about yourself and your date.
The established boundaries will help an individual in a dating relationship. The first boundary line
establishes truthful trust. Cloud and Townsend believe that honest, truthful trust is the foundation of any
dating relationship. The individuals involved in a relationship should not be deceptive. If one individual
does not feel the relationship is moving towards commitment, then be honest and share the feeling. Do not
stay involved in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.
Clark’s Position
Jeramy Clark believes that a Christian desiring to keep his dating life under Christ’s control does not have
to kiss dating goodbye. A movement to do away with dating has gained popularity in the Christian circle.
The proponents of kissing dating goodbye say that romantic feelings lead to sinful actions, therefore a
Christian should not date. Since God created romantic feelings, a Christian can allow God to guide them in
their dating relationships.
In a dating relationship, Clark says that honesty and clarity take top priority. An individual interested in a
dating relationship needs to communicate clearly their intentions. A Christian needs to have their own set
of rules, according to God’s standards and not the world’s standards, about dating. There are some rules
that make many Christians fall into the “trap of legalism”. Clark does believe that the rules of the “trap of
legalism” make some Christians feel they are living a godly life. The rules of the “trap of legalism” may
include kissing dating goodbye, never being alone with the opposite sex, participating only with group
dates, and just writing letters.
Grace is the opposite of legalism. God has extended grace to a Christian. Some Christians take
advantage of God’s grace by freely doing whatever pleases them. Others simply fall into the trap of
legalism. Clark says that God’s grace gives a Christian the opportunity to develop personal convictions
that are based upon the Word of God.
Each individual longs for intimacy, to some degree or another. Emotional intimacy is desired because
individuals want to be loved. Inappropriate intimacy can be hurtful and painful. Certain relationships
should be reserved for emotional intimacy. To help protect against misuse, an individual must have
boundaries. The boundaries will assist in individuals getting ahead of themselves in a dating relationship.
Each individual involved in a dating relationship should seek to honor God. A Christian should seek God’s
will in a dating relationship. This will help in equipping individuals to become the person God intends for
them to be.
Eagar’s Position
Rob Eagar says that fleshy behavior revolves around one’s self. An individual that concentrates solely on
themselves in a dating relationship could assist in the destruction of the relationship. As a result, sin
happens. Satan manipulates the mind by speaking in first person. “I really want to have sex with my date
tonight,” is an example. The manipulation can be persuasive. A Christian must maintain a life of holiness
and righteousness, even in a dating relationship, by resisting Satan’s manipulation. Christ speaks positive
thoughts of truth. An example could be, “I am complete in Christ and I do not need to have sex until
marriage.”
Many Christian individuals tend to get caught in a dating pattern that involves physical affection and then
heartache. Singles are not forbidden by God to touch each other. Physical activity must be kept to the
relationship’s commitment level. This will prevent an individual from experiencing heartache. A dating
relationship can grow when the individuals develop communication and unselfish love. The quality of a
dating relationship is based on dependence upon Jesus Christ.
Eagar suggests that an individual can protect their hearts by reserving their affections until they determine
what is consistent in the person they are dating. He also believes that an individual that commits their heart
to a new relationship too quickly should keep their options open to date other people. Above all, Eagar
says that Christ’s love needs to be the driving force behind an individual’s dating decisions.
Summary
Joshua Harris maintains that dating leads to intimacy and not necessarily to commitment. He says that
defrauding an individual happens when intimacy prevails over commitment.
Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar each believe that Christian individuals that are
involved in dating need to have boundaries, rules, or protection of the heart.
CHAPTER 4
DATING SKIPS THE FRIENDSHIP STAGE?
The second habit of Joshua Harris’ idea of defective dating says that the friendship stage of a relationship
tends to be skipped because of dating. Henry Cloud and John Townsend disagree with Harris. This
chapter will explore the question, “Does dating skip the friendship stage of a relationship?”
Harris’ Explanation
Joshua Harris believes that individuals involved in one-on-one dating relationship tend to skip the friendship
stage and quickly move straight to romance. A friendship basically states that common interests exist
between individuals. In a friendship, the individuals enjoy the common interests without any expectations.
A friendship between a male and a female does not involve pressures dating causes. A dating relationship
happens when at least one individual is attracted to a member of the opposite sex. The two begin dating
and getting to know each other. The dating relationship causes pressure. Romantic expectations and
trying to determine if the same feeling is mutual are just two pressures that can be the result of a dating
relationship.
Harris explains that he is not afraid of romance. One day he will grow to love a young lady. Until then,
Harris has chosen to avoid dating relationships and not get involved in any romance. The focus of Harris
has shifted from dating to serving God during his season of singleness. The shift allows for non-romantic
friendship with the opposite sex. The non-romantic friendship can be inspiring and insightful to the
individuals involved. Harris suggests that a healthy, non-romantic friendship involves each individual
respecting the limitations of the friendship and honoring each other according to God’s Word. Romans 12:
10-11, “(10) Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another; (11)
Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord.”
Cloud and Townsend’s Response
Henry Cloud and John Townsend state that a long, lasting relationship must first be built upon friendship. A
boundary to integrate into an individual’s dating life is that every relationship be built toward friendship.
Romance should not be rushed. The physical and emotional boundaries do not need to be neglected.
Nonromantic time spent together is a great way to get to know an individual. Spend time together with a
group of friends, just hanging out, and enjoying each other’s company are some nonromantic ways of
getting to know each other. The experience of getting to know someone by first being friends can lead to
the next step, dating.
A romanticized friendship comes from romantic feelings. The feelings being felt in a friendship strive to turn
the relationship into something that is not there, romance. A healthy romance does not strive to turn the
relationship into romance but involves self-control and offers a deep, satisfying relationship. Table 5,
designed by Cloud and Townsend, will help in determining a healthy romance or a romanticized friendship.
TABLE 5. Healthy Romance versus Romanticized Friendship
Healthy Romance Romanticized Friendship
Desire is based on first being rooted in love elsewhere. Desire is based on empty neediness for the
other person.
Other’s freedom is valued. Other’s freedom is a problem.
Relationship draws in friends. Relationship shut others out.
Conflicts work out okay. Conflicts threaten the relationship.
Mutual feelings. One person feels romantic, the other doesn’t.
Friendship and romantic feelings coexist. All-friend or all-romantic feelings; can’t be both at the same
time.
Summary
Harris believes that an individual needs to focus on serving God during the season of singleness. Cloud
and Townsend believe that friendship can lead to a dating relationship. In the process, the friendship stage
is not skipped.
CHAPTER 5
PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP MISTAKEN FOR LOVE?
Joshua Harris’ third pattern of defective dating says that a physical relationship involved in dating can be
mistaken for love. Jeramy Clark says that a physical fence can define how far is too far in keeping sexual
purity. This chapter will examine both opinions.
Harris’ Attitude Toward a Physical Relationship
Joshua Harris says that physical affection in a dating relationship may feel right but only adds confusion
towards the meaning of love. Society defines sex as love and love as sex. Individuals involved in a dating
relationship often mistaken true love for sexual intimacy and physical attraction. Most dating relationships
start with physical attraction and then lead to intimacy. The individuals involved are living only for the
present. The focus then turns toward the physical aspect of the relationship.
If the friendship stage has been skipped, lust brings the individuals together. The relationship’s level of
seriousness is determined by the physical display of affection towards each other. Harris calls this sinful.
The physical affection can cause guilt, regret, and disobedience to God. An individual needs to realize that
God calls for and demands sexual purity in their lives.
Proverbs 4:23 states, “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” Jeremiah 17:9,
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” Harris says that
guarding the heart requires an individual to protect themselves from their heart’s sinfulness. The world
proclaims, “Follow your heart.” God says, “Follow Me, I know everything” (1 John 3:20).
Clark Suggests a Physical Fence
Jeramy Clark says that single individuals constantly ask the question, “How far is too far?” God’s
standards, not an individual’s feelings, are the determining factor in answering the question. The Bible has
much to say about sexual standards. 1 Peter 1:13-15 challenges to live a holy life and not live according to
the former lusts. The apostle Paul wrote in 1 Thessalonians 4:3 to abstain from fornication or sexual
promiscuity. Promiscuity can include a lack of sexual standards, doing what feels right, and going all the
way in a dating relationship. God’s command is to flee fornication (1 Corinthians 6: 18a). An individual’s
body is the temple of the Lord, has been bought with a price, and should glorify God in every aspect of life
(1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
Clark says that living a life of sexual purity does not involve just touching. The mind and heart should
remain pure and free from sinful trash. The Bible says to resist the devil (James 4:7), protect against lustful
looks (Job 31:1), and put on the full armour of God (Ephesians 6:13). Individuals involved in a dating
relationship need to have a dating plan for success and rely on God’s power (Psalm 16:8). Clark says that
God’s Word will guide an individual in establishing boundaries in dating.
Summary
Harris reminds that a dating relationship can mistake love for the physical display of affection. Clark states
that an individual can be involved in a dating relationship by God’s standards according to the Bible.
CHAPTER 6
DATING ISOLATES OTHER VITAL RELATIONSHIPS?
Joshua Harris’ fourth habit of defective dating states that dating isolates from other vital relationships. Rob
Eagar disagrees with Harris. This chapter will discuss the two sides.
Harris’ Side
Joshua Harris acknowledges that the definition of dating involves two individuals focusing on each other.
Parents, siblings, friends, and everyone else of importance are all neglected because the individuals
involved in dating each other isolate themselves from these vital relationships. One relationship should not
cause an individual to shut the world out. The result may lead an individual to focus solely on the
relationship that it begins to influence every decision in life. Each individual needs to develop and establish
ongoing communication with their parents, siblings, friends, and other important people in life. The ongoing
communication assists in making good judgments in life. Proverbs 15:22 “Without counsel purposes are
disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are established.”
Eagar’s Side
Rob Eagar believes that in a dating relationship each individual should spend time around the other person’
s family. The time spent around the family can provide insight into how the other person interacts and
reacts with their parents, siblings, and other family members. A family relationship greatly influences an
individual’s character.
Time should also be spent around the other person’s friends. Questions to think about could include,
“What is his reputation among the peers?”, “Does she have respect among the people she hangs out
with?”, and “What kind of people does he or she hang around?” Character defects can be identified when
time is spent around friends. If an individual does not have any friends, then there may be a problem.
Summary
Harris believes the definition of dating is an indication that a dating relationship can isolate family and
friends.
Eagar says that being around family and friends can reveal some insight about an individual involved in a
dating relationship.
CHAPTER 7
THE BIBLE AND SOCIETY: DATING, SEX, LOVE, AND RELATIONSHIPS
Singles can find guidance, comfort, and timeless truths throughout the pages of the Bible. This chapter will
include Joshua Harris, Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar’s opinions of the Bible’s
view and society’s view on subjects such as dating, sex, love, and relationships.
Joshua Harris: Gain God’s Perspective
Joshua Harris says that he cannot overemphasize the importance of Christians gaining God’s perspective
on love. Christians have either a choice to imitate God’s perspective on love or to imitate the world’s
perspective. Under inspiration of the Holy Spirit, the apostle Paul wrote about love in 1 Corinthians 13.
Paul wanted the church at Corinth to uphold family values. Immorality existed in Corinth. The temple of
Aphrodite had one thousand prostitutes. Sex was elevated to a religious pursuit. The church needed
direction from God. In the midst of a perverted city, Paul told the Christians to put away childish things.
Harris says that today’s society is no different than the time of the city of Corinth. Immorality exists on every
corner. Billboards, newspaper ads, television commercials, and other media outlets portray that love is sex
and sex is pleasure. The society says that the primary benefit of love is for self-fulfillment, self-comfort and
self-feeling.
God says that love points to His only begotten Son Jesus Christ hanging on a cross. Christ says that love
benefits the good of others and for God’s glory. This type of love demonstrates a selfless love (John 15:
13). True love is not based on feelings but on obedience to God’s Word (John 14:15). If an individual
loves Christ then they will obey Him (John 14:15).
Harris believes that God’s true love abolishes dating. Since the world says that dating benefits an individual’
s self, then a dating relationship is self-centered. Some questions that should be asked are as follows:
“What is being sought in dating that could not be found in a friendship?”, “What is being communicated to
the individual involved in a dating relationship?”, and “Does the relationship help or hinder the other
individual’s personal walk with Christ?” A dating relationship can enslave individuals to the lust of the flesh
and of the eyes (1 John 2:16). Godly wisdom, patience, and selflessness need to set the tone in individual’
s lives.
Harris believes that friendship, not dating, is the way individuals should pattern their relationship with the
opposite sex. “How does an individual move from friendship to marriage?” an individual may ask Harris. He
says the Bible does not contain a formula or a particular program to move from friendship to marriage.
Four stages, developed by Harris, in a friendship can result in a God-honoring romantic relationship. Stage
one is casual friendship. An individual becomes friends with and feels attracted to a member of the
opposite sex. At this point one must keep in mind three very important relational responsibilities: 1.)
Relationship with the person of attraction; 2.) Relationship with family, friends, and others; and 3.)
Relationship with God, the most important of the three. The relational responsibilities can assist in
determining if the relationship will be self-satisfying or God honoring.
Stage two seeks a deeper friendship. An individual that feels an attraction to someone should seek to build
a deeper friendship. This can be done by including him or her in real life activities with family, friends, areas
of service, and even in ministry. An accurate and unbiased view can be gained in stage two. As the
friendship progresses do not say or express romantic love. The Bible says not to awake love until it is
ready (Song of Solomon 8:4). Do not speak too soon about romantic love. Proverbs 29:20 says, “Seeth
thou a man that is hasty in his words? There is more hope of a fool than of him.” Spend time in the Bible,
seek Christ in prayer for guidance, be ready for marriage and the lifelong commitment of responsibilities,
ask for approval from family and friends, and allow God to provide a peace that passes all understanding.
Once done, then determine if the friendship is ready for stage three or should not move further along.
Stage three is purposeful intimacy with integrity, defining the relationship’s purpose to pursue marriage.
The male individual needs to be the spiritual leader of the relationship and provide direction (Ephesians 5:
23-25). Harris says the male individual needs to say something such as, “We’re growing closer in
friendship, and I need to be upfront about my motives. With your parents’ permission, I want to explore the
possibility of marriage. I’m not interested in playing the game of being boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m ready to
be tested by you, your family, and those who are responsible for you. My desire is to win your heart.” The
female individual needs to be extremely honest in her response, decline the offer or accept the offer. If the
offer is accepted then the relationship needs to be tested and built in real-life settings. At this point,
principled romance needs to begin. “Principled romance is purposeful in its pursuit of marriage, protected
in its avoidance of sexual temptation, and accountable to parents or other Christians.” Stage three’s time
frame is based upon the individuals’ confidence about getting married. Once each individual is confident
about marriage, stage four can take place.
Stage four involves the engagement between the individuals. The relationship needs to be God honoring.
Purity is very important. Reserve the passion for marriage. Behaviors such as kissing, touching, and
caressing can lead to sexual compromise. Refuse to ignite the passion of physical intimacy by avoiding the
temptation all together. A couple should focus on the Holy Spirit’s guidance to grow them spiritually and
prepare them for marriage. Harris does say that the four stages will not solve the world’s relational
problems. His hope is the four stages will bring about a renewal of purity and true romance in
relationships. In the end, Harris encourages each individual to allow God to lead in creating a one-of-a-
kind love story.
Cloud and Townsend: Take God Everywhere, Including Dates
Henry Cloud and John Townsend believe that every individual yearns for someone to connect with and
become one. God designed individuals with that yearning. The final outcome of dating is the connection
between a male and a female to become one in marriage. Between the process of dating and the altar of
marriage is the spiritual dimension of dating. At times, an individual may find difficulty in navigating through
the spiritual dimension. Many questions are posed: “Have I found the person whom God intends for me to
marry?”, “What is the way to bring Christ into the beginning of a new dating relationship?”, and “How to
handle the disagreements of spiritually issues?”
Before starting a dating relationship, determine to bring the issue of dating before Christ. Ask Him for
guidance and for help in surrendering all to Him (Acts 17:28). An individual that does not surrender to
Christ will surrender to idolatry. The idolatry can lead to a demand for dating to fulfill the selfish desires.
As Christ is pushed to the side, dating idolatry begins to take shape in an individual’s life. An effort must be
made to seek God’s wise counsel and guidance in a dating and non-dating relationship (1 Corinthians 7:32-
34).
Christian individuals need to be salt and light in a dark world (Matthew 5:13-16). A Christian individual
should be an example to Christians and non-Christians. The Bible says that a Christian should not be
unequally yoked with non-Christians (2 Corinthians 6:14). A Christian individual needs to date someone
with the same faith, shares common interests, goals, and values.
Non-churchgoers and many churchgoers cannot understand the reason behind God wanting individuals to
save sex for marriage. Some believe that sex for marriage is nothing more than a religious rule. Society
says if something feels good and both individuals consent to participate then just do it. God says abstain
from fornication, do not defraud anyone, and He commands His children to live a life of holiness (1
Thessalonians 4:3-8).
Jeramy Clark: Compromise versus Non-Compromise
Jeramy Clark says that compromise is risky to an individual. The Bible tells a story about a man by the
name of Samson (Judges 13-16). Samson, before he was born, was called by God to be set apart. Instead
of obedience to God, Samson compromised by flirting with a lustful heart, giving in to sexual temptations,
and having a weakness for women. God did use Samson to judge the children of Israel but Samson’s
compromise cost him dearly. In the end, Samson’s compromise resulted in his humiliation and death.
Clark says that compromise causes an individual to settle for something cheap and trashy. Compromise
begins with something small but eventually grows to something larger. God commands His children to live a
non-compromising life. This type of life can experience joy, peace, kindness, and self-control (Galatians 5:
22-23). Ways to build a strong foundation include studying the Bible, spend time in prayer, and fellowship
with Christians.
Pornography is rampant in today’s society. Clark says that pornography slowly but surely devours an
individual’s life, enslaves them, is devastating, and ruthless. Table 6 contains some strategies that Clark
says can successfully fight the spiritual battle against pornography.
TABLE 6. Fight the Spiritual Battle Against Pornography
1. Recognize the Battle. Pornography is a spiritual battle for you mind. The battle begins when you allow
sexual thoughts or fantasies go unchecked. Then you must wage war against the temptation to dwell on
and indulge in those desires. Pornography is a lethal drug, and the battle if for our minds and bodies.
2. Never assume you’re “above it.” Do not deceive yourself that you are above sexual sin.
3. Pray. You can win the battle against lust and pornography only be relying on God’s strength and
guidance. You must pray for God’s help in each and every situation.
4. Flee. God wants you to flee sexual temptation. He doesn’t want you to stand there and take it or try to
fight on your own. He wants you to get out of there, and quick.
5. Take captive every thought. In 2 Corinthians 10:5 we’re commanded to “demolish . . . every pretension
that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and . . . take captive every thought to make it obedient to
Christ.” Imagine capturing your ugly thought, tying it up with ropes and chains, and marching it straight to
Jesus. Create a mental picture of gaining victory over that thought. Do this with every single thought that
threatens to distract you with inappropriate sexual desire.
6. Be accountable. Don’t overlook this powerful weapon in the war on pornography. Confess your trouble
spots to another man, and be accountable to him. If you consistently have someone asking you about your
thought life and actions, you’ll be more likely to live purely. Most likely the man you ask will want your help
in return. Stay accountable in every area.
Rob Eagar: Listen to the Heart
Rob Eagar says that many singles focus strictly on the outward, not inward, qualities of an individual they
are interested in dating. The outward qualities do not provide a detail and complete picture of that
particular individual. An individual that relies completely on outward appearances is selfish. The self-
absorbed individual does not consider the needs of others and prevents pure passion. Individuals involved
in a dating relationship based solely upon outward appearances will end up in an unfulfilling relationship.
The romance will fade away and the relationship will eventually end.
A heartfelt preference in being attracted to someone of the opposite sex is not wicked. Eagar says that
many singles have been told that a heartfelt preference is wicked. The proponents use Jeremiah 17:9 and
Mark 7:21 to support their viewpoints. Those two verses, according to Eagar, refer to the old covenant.
The new covenant is established in Christ’s sacrificial death on the cross and resurrection from the dead.
Christ now dwells in the hearts of the individuals that believe in Him by faith (Ephesians 3:17-19). As a new
creation in Christ, a Christian becomes holy and righteous (2 Corinthians 5:17, 21). Christ’s desires
become the desires of the individual serving Christ (Ephesians 2:10). Christ guides an individual to
balance romance and integrity while caring about the person they will marry. Eagar says that there is
nothing wrong with desiring certain physical qualities along with desiring spiritual qualities.
Summary
Each author has their own opinions of the Bible’s view and society’s view on subjects such as dating, sex,
love, and relationships. The truth is the Bible does address these subjects in one way or another. Many
interpretations of Scripture may exist but the Bible does not change. Study and read the Bible. Allow the
Holy Spirit to guide every aspect of life. The Gospel according to John records Jesus saying, “Search the
scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me”(John 5:39).
CHAPTER 8
CONCLUSION
The purpose of this paper was to provide insight into the research problem: The debate of dating versus
“kissing dating goodbye.” A variety of questions were explored. Questions such as “What was the debate
about?”, “Who are some of the opponents of ‘kissing dating goodbye’”, and “Does dating lead to intimacy
or to commitment?”
Each side was presented in a fair and non-biased way. The research was intended for the reader to read
the paper and analyze both sides of the debate of dating versus “kissing dating goodbye.” The reader
would then form his or her own opinion.
Researcher’s Opinion
The researcher has studied the Bible, spent time in prayer, and given thought about the debate of dating
versus “kissing dating goodbye.” Around the age of fourteen or fifteen, the researcher felt that he needed
to “kiss dating goodbye” and wait for the Lord to send him a Godly, conservative, Christian wife. He has
never dated anyone. God has taught him to wait patiently. Until the Lord sends his wife, the researcher
seeks to honor and serve God during his season of singleness.
Years later, in 2001, he received a copy of Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye. The researcher found
it very uplifting and encouraging that there were Christians that believed the same concept. Throughout
the years of ministry, the researcher has shared his view of “kissing dating goodbye” with young people
and singles.
At the current age of twenty-eight, the researcher continues to hold to the same view. The researcher
believes the Lord, in His time and place, will send his wife. Until then, the researcher enjoys spending
quality time with family, friends, doing the work of an evangelist, and living the Christian life.
The researcher has felt convicted to save sex for marriage, wait to save the first kiss for his wedding day
(for the record the researcher has never kissed a young lady), and live a life of purity that is God-
honoring. He agrees with Harris in allowing God to lead in creating a one-of-a-kind love story. The
researcher does look forward to one day getting married and having his own one-of-a-kind love story that
he can share with others.
Genesis 24 is one particular chapter in the Bible that serves as an encouraging chapter to the researcher.
God had reserved a wife for Isaac. In the meantime, Isaac spent time with his family and in communication
with God. Rebekah was busy going about life as normal. The researcher imagines that Abraham and his
family sought God in prayer concerning a wife for Isaac. The researcher also believes that Rebekah and
her family sought God for her a husband. Each family contributed to trust the Lord and allow Him to work in
His time and way. In the end, God brought Isaac and Rebekah together. Their one-of-a-kind love story is
still being read today. Wow!
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Clark, Jeramy. I Gave Dating a Chance: A Biblical Perspective to Balance the Extremes. Colorado Springs:
WaterBrook Press, 2000.
Cloud, Henry, and John Townsend. Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work. Grand Rapids: Zondervan
Publishing House, 2000.
Eagar, Rob. Dating With Pure Passion: More Than Rules, More Than Courage, More Than a Formula . . .
Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 2002.
Harris, Joshua. I Kissed Dating Goodbye, First ed. Sisters, Oregon: Multonmah Publishers, Inc., 1997.
The Holy Bible. Authorized King James Version; Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1999.
GOODBYE”
BY
JAD J. KHALAF
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION 1
Selected Definition of Term “Dating” 2
Research Problem 3
Delimitations 3
Determining Authors for Research 3
Summary of Each Chapter 4
HOW THE DEBATE “KISSING DATING GOODBYE” BEGAN 5
Smart Love 5
Not the Typical Dating Book 6
The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating 6
The Debate of “Kissing Dating Goodbye” is Launched 8
OPPONENTS OF “KISSING DATING GOODBYE” 9
Boundaries in Dating 9
The Seven Benefits of Dating 10
Decrease Risks in Dating 11
Maturity Level 11
Set Boundaries 12
Give Dating a Chance 12
Clark’s Story 13
The Source 13
The Problem 14
The Solution 14
God’s Dating Rules versus the World’s Dating Rules 15
Dating With Pure Passion 16
Pure Passion 17
Christ Initiates Love 17
The Joy of Specific Love 18
Sacrificial Love 18
Pure Passion in Dating 18
Two Dating Cycles 19
Summary 20
DATING LEADS TO INTIMACY OR TO COMMITMENT? 21
Harris’ Position 21
Cloud and Townsend’s Position 22
Clark’s Position 23
Eagar’s Position 25
Summary 26
DATING SKIPS THE FRIENDSHIP STAGE? 27
Harris’ Explanation 27
Cloud and Townsend’s Response 28
Summary 30
PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP MISTAKEN FOR LOVE? 31
Harris’ Attitude Toward a Physical Relationship 31
Clark Suggests a Physical Fence 32
Summary 33
DATING ISOLATES OTHER VITAL RELATIONSHIPS? 34
Harris’ Side 34
Eagar’s Side 35
Summary 35
THE BIBLE AND SOCIETY: DATING, SEX, LOVE, AND RELATIONSHIPS 37
Joshua Harris: Gain God’s Perspective 37
Cloud and Townsend: Take God Everywhere, Including Dates 42
Jeramy Clark: Compromise versus Non-Compromise 43
Rob Eagar: Listen to the Heart 45
Summary 47
CONCLUSION 48
Researcher’s Opinion 48
BIBLIOGRAPHY 51
INTRODUCTION
The original revolution of dating involved individuals enjoying the emotional and physical benefits of
intimacy. The individuals involved in a dating relationship did not have to make any type of commitment.
Joshua Harris states, “As I see it, dating is a product of our entertainment-driven, ‘disposable-everything’
American culture. Long before Seventeen magazine ever gave teenagers tips on dating, people did things
very differently.”
Individuals interested in becoming romantically involved at the beginning of the twentieth century were
planning on marriage. A female’s family assumed that if a male spent time at their house, a proposal for
marriage was in the making. The shift in America’s culture and attitude along with the arrival of the
automobile brought “new rules” in dating. The “new rules” paved the way for individuals to date and
experience romantic love with no intentions of commitment to marriage.
Society’s attitude around the 1920s begins to reflect the concept that dating, love and romance were for
individual’s pleasure. This concept remained throughout the twentieth century. Toward the end of the
twentieth century, a young man by the name of Joshua Harris chose to speak out against the issue of
dating and support the idea of “kissing dating goodbye.” Harris began to question the concept of dating,
dating habits, and other issues that are involved in a dating relationship. The debate of Christian singles
pondering the idea of dating or “kissing dating goodbye” was launched.
Selected Definition of Term “Dating”
For the purpose of this research paper, the term dating or dating relationship refers to a one-on-one
relationship between a Christian male and a Christian female outside the context of marriage who are
focused on each other. The relationship involves or evokes attitudes, actions, emotions, thoughts,
commitments, and choices. The term Christian refers to an individual that has confessed with the mouth
that Jesus Christ is Lord, believed in the heart that God has raised Jesus Christ from the dead, and
acknowledged that he has sinned and come short of God’s glory.
Research Problem
The research problem in this paper will focus on the debate of dating versus “kissing dating goodbye.”
What was the debate about? Who started the controversy? Why did the issue of dating spark such
uproar? Who are some of the opponents of “kissing dating goodbye”? Why are they in opposition? What
are some of the pros and cons of dating? Does dating lead to intimacy or to commitment? Does dating
skip the friendship stage? Does dating mistake a physical relationship for love? Does dating isolate other
vital relationships? What does the Bible say on the issue of dating, sex, love, and relationships? What
does the world say on the same issues? What is the outcome? These questions will be explored in further
detail throughout the paper.
Delimitations
In an attempt to provide insight into the research problem, this paper limited its scope to providing research
in the area of dating or “kissing dating goodbye.” Only those that have written in the area of dating were
considered as research material.
Determining Authors for Research
The authors chosen for the purpose of the paper are Joshua Harris, Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy
Clark, and Rob Eagar. Each individual chosen has either authored or co-authored at least one book in the
area of dating. Their books have each offered advice, insight, and opinions on dating or on “kissing dating
goodbye.” Among the authors selected, Harris is the only author to suggest the idea of “kissing dating
goodbye.” Cloud, Townsend, Clark, and Eagar disagree with Harris and support the idea of dating.
Summary of Each Chapter
The first chapter will explain how the debate of dating versus “kissing dating goodbye” began. Chapter two
includes a brief summary of Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar’s stand for
supporting the idea of dating. The third chapter looks at the idea of dating leading to intimacy,
commitment, both, or neither. Chapter four explores the question, “Does dating skip the friendship stage of
a relationship?” The fifth chapter examines if a physical relationship can be mistaken for love. Chapter six
discusses the two sides of whether or not dating isolates individuals from other vital relationships. The
seventh chapter summarizes Harris, Cloud, Townsend, Clark, and Eagar’s opinions of the Bible’s view and
society’s view on subjects such as dating, sex, love, and relationships. The eighth and final chapter
provides a conclusion of the paper.
CHAPTER 1
HOW THE DEBATE “KISSING DATING GOODBYE” BEGAN
In 1997, an author by the name of Joshua Harris released a book titled I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Harris
was tired of the dating cycle that involved a dating relationship, breaking up, and feeling discouraged. In a
plea to God for something better than the dating cycle, Harris cried out, “God, I want your best for my life!
Give me something better than this!” God answered his cry by totally transforming Harris’ attitude towards
romance through “smart love.”
Smart Love
Harris developed the phrase “smart love”. “Smart love constantly grows and deepens in its practical
knowledge and insight; it opens our eyes to see God’s best for our lives, enabling us to be pure and
blameless in His sight.” The Biblical passage for “smart love” is Philippians 1:9-10, “(9) And this I pray, that
your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment; (10) That ye may approve
things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ.”
Not the Typical Dating Book
Harris makes it clear that his book is not the typical dating book. I Kissed Dating Goodbye does not offer
practical steps and solutions to fixing the dating scenario. The book does guide an individual in doing away
with the world’s view of dating and striving to live a life that works for and is pleasing towards God.
Though the title suggests that dating is the point of the book, Harris clearly states that dating is not the
point. The point of the book is to have an overview of the aspects of life that dating affects (i.e. treatment
towards others and purity in personal life). After developing an overview, Harris says that an attempt
should be made to line those aspects up with the Word of God. In the end, what really matters is what God
wants. God has a plan for each of His children’s lives. Each child can either submit or resist God’s plan for
their life.
The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating
Harris suggest that self control in dating is not the answer to avoid sexual temptations and other harmful
temptations in a relationship. He explains that temptations in a relationship are real. The society has
played a very important role in shaping defective attitudes and defective patterns for relationships. Harris
describes the attitudes and patterns as defective dating. The idea that dating has built-in problems led
Harris to develop the seven habits of defective dating.
1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment.
2. Dating tends to skip the “friendship” stage of a relationship.
3. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.
4. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships.
5. Dating, in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the
future.
6. Dating can cause discontentment with God’s gift of singleness.
7. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person’s character.
Throughout Harris’ book, examples are given to support his argument of “kissing dating goodbye.” Stories
from different perspectives are illustrated to prove his point. Harris concludes that dating can cause pain to
the male and female involved in the relationship and as a result may not produce anything good. The pain
may be too much for some people to endure on a regular basis. The need for kissing dating goodbye may
be the remedy for the male and female that is tired of the same outcome time and again.
Harris is quick to emphasize that a life lived for Christ is to be guided by the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit
should guide the male or female’s journey towards dating or towards kissing dating goodbye.
The Debate of “Kissing Dating Goodbye” is Launched
Upon the release of the book, Christian single men and women throughout the United States began to read
and rethink dating. Soon, single seminars were filled with questions about dating. Two of such questions
were, “What is the biblical position on dating?” and “Is it okay to date?” A debate was in the making as
singles were looking for answers to their questions.
CHAPTER 2
OPPONENTS OF “KISSING DATING GOODBYE”
Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye gained opposition. Some in the Christian community began to take
a stand on the issue of dating. Christian authors and leaders in opposition to Harris’ “kissing dating
goodbye” found it necessary to write their own books on dating.
Boundaries in Dating
Henry Cloud and John Townsend began to realize that singles throughout the United States were asking
questions about dating. Discussions and questions were being offered up at seminars for singles. At first,
Cloud and Townsend did not think much of the interesting questions regarding dating or kissing dating
goodbye. Finally the two men were informed that Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye was the reason
behind the discussions and questions. The Harris movement sparked an investigation on behalf of Cloud
and Townsend.
Harris’ conclusion that dating can result in pain for the male and female involved in a relationship is not
enough, according to Cloud and Townsend, to kiss dating goodbye. Cloud and Townsend believe that the
problem of hurt does not center around dating but centers around the people involved in a dating
relationship. The two illustrate their opinion by using the analogy of a drunk driver killing innocent people
while driving a car. The drunk driver, not the car, is the one responsible since he was driving. The
individuals involved in a relationship, not the concept of dating, are responsible for the hurt and other
consequences that may be associated in dating.
Cloud and Townsend support their belief by using Colossians 2:20-23:
“(20) Wherefore if ye be dead with Christ from the rudiments of the world, why, as though living in the world,
are ye subject to ordinances, (21) (Touch not; taste not; handle not; (22) Which all are to perish with the
using;) after the commandments and doctrines of men? (23) Which things have indeed a shew of wisdom in
will worship, and humility, and neglecting of the body; not in any honour to the satisfying of the flesh.”
The Seven Benefits of Dating
Harris pointed out what he called the seven habits of defective dating. Cloud and Townsend refuse to
accept Harris’ defective dating habits. The two believe that dating is not defective but effective. When a
male and female enter into a dating relationship then good can be benefited and experienced. Cloud and
Townsend came up with the seven benefits of dating.
1. Dating gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves, others, and relationships in a safe
context.
2. Dating provides a context to work through issues.
3. Dating helps build relationship skills.
4. Dating can heal and repair.
5. Dating is relational and has value in and of itself.
6. Dating lets someone learn what he or she likes in the opposite sex.
7. Dating gives a context to learn sexual self-control and other delay of gratification.
Cloud and Townsend suggests that dating can be done successfully and can assist in developing a healthy
community of friends. A dating relationship can lead to a fun and spiritually fulfilling life.
Decrease Risks in Dating
There are risks involved in dating. Some risks include emotional breakdowns, frustration, and heartbreak.
To help avoid the risks of dating, Cloud and Townsend offer some solutions for dating successfully.
Maturity Level
An individual’s maturity level can play a key role between two responsible adults experiencing successful
dating. Each person in the relationship should have some level of maturity. Freedom to make choices
based on values and responsibility in keeping the relationship healthy are two areas that can cause
problems if the individuals in the relationship are not mature. Mature individuals are able to be responsible
in what happens during the relationship. These same individuals should be mature enough to assume
responsibility to correct any area of weakness that may exist in the relationship.
Set Boundaries
A boundary in dating is a property line that sets limits in a person’s life. The boundary defines an individual
and serves to protect. Boundaries can be set through honest feelings by usage of words, through
providing distance in a relationship, and through the support of friends in distinguishing a time limit.
Individuals involved in a dating relationship or interested in a dating relationship need to set boundaries.
Cloud and Townsend say the failure to set boundaries in a relationship can lead to control issues, sexual
impropriety, and may go as far as “kissing dating goodbye”.
Give Dating a Chance
Jeramy Clark took notice that in some Christian circles the word “dating” was becoming a dirty word. He
believed the idea that “kissing dating goodbye” is not a good idea. Individual Christians may need to clean
up their dating habits and their dating acts, but ditching dating does not make one Godly. Clark decided to
tell his story and express his position on dating in I Gave Dating a Chance.
Clark’s Story
Clark experienced confusing in his own life regarding the issue of dating. At times, he was bombarded with
rules and regulations that promised happiness if followed correctly. Most often Clark was unhappy and
frustrated. The ups and downs of dating left Clark with a desire to grow closer to the Lord in every area of
life, including dating.
The Source
The desire to grow closer to the Lord led Clark to the Source of all answers, the Bible. Clark could not find
the word “dating” mentioned in the Bible’s concordance. He did find that the Bible addresses the issue of
relationships in regard to every aspect of life. Just two particular verses that Clark mentioned are Psalm
37:4, “Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”; and 2
Corinthians 6:14, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath
righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?”
The Problem
Sin is the cause of corrupting God’s design for love. Each person is born into sin. As a result of mankind’s
sinful nature, love and relationships can be sinful. A solution to solve mankind’s problem of sin is found in
Jesus Christ.
The Solution
Jesus Christ died for the sin of the world and to redeem from sinful desires. A Christian cannot defeat sin in
his own strength. The power Christ provides a Christian through the Holy Spirit’s guidance is the only
solution for the sin problem. A Christian must line up their thoughts with the Bible. “Casting down
imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringeth into
captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”, the Apostle Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 10:5.
Dating With Pure Passion
Rob Eagar experienced heartbreak when his wife of seven months walked out of his life. In search for a
companion, Eagar spent over two years searching for his soul mate. He would meet a young lady and then
watch the relationship disintegrate. Time and again this happened. Eagar considered his search the
“Great Dating Crusade.” After experiencing this crusade, he realized that individuals are not able to offer
unconditional love. Instead, individuals offer performance-based love. This type of love is based on how
an individual performs from day to day and the performance determines the type of love that will be
expressed. Eventually performance-based love wears an individual to the point of exhaustion. Romance
and relationships are only cheap substitutions in the search for true love. Eagar then felt led to write down
his view on relationships and publish them in a book entitled Dating With Pure Passion.
Pure Passion
Christian leaders and churches have offered numerous dating methods, the idea of courtship, reinstating
arranged marriages, and new guidelines for dating. Eagar believes that each individual heart is hungry for
pure passion. Jesus Christ showed His love of pure passion for mankind by giving His life as a sacrifice.
“Hereby perceive we the love of God, because He laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our
lives for the brethren.” (1 John 3:16).
Christ is the Leader of pure passion. “Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the
joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of
the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2). Eagar says that three elements of pure passion are seen in the
verse: Christ Initiates Love, the Joy of Specific Love, and Sacrificial Love.
Christ Initiates Love
Jesus Christ initiated love by dying on the cross for sinful man and reconciling God to a sinner saved by
grace. A Christian can do absolutely nothing to gain or lose Christ’s love. Every single day Christ loves His
child unconditionally.
The Joy of Specific Love
Jesus Christ endured pain and suffering during crucifixion. Hebrews 12:2 states that joy was set before
Christ as He endured the cross. Each individual person was worth the pain because Christ passionately
desires to have a relationship with sinful man. Sinful man can rest assure that Christ specifically loves and
cares for them. Pure passion involves the concept that Christ finds joy in each unique individual.
Sacrificial Love
Jesus Christ never sinned. Christ laid aside the comforts of heaven and came to earth. He took the sin of
the world and willingly gave His life as a sacrifice. The sacrificial love He had for each sinful man and
woman revealed the Christ’s pure passion. Only by faith can sinful man believe the unconditional love of
Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. A sinful man can find fulfillment in their heart for eternity.
Pure Passion in Dating
Eagar discovered that when he understood the three elements of pure passion, his dating life was
transformed. Only Christ can fulfill a lonely and hungry heart. Eagar says that when singles understand
the love of Jesus Christ then their dating life will change. After understanding Christ’s love, a single
individual will then be able to truly love another person.
Two Dating Cycles
Eagar devised two dating cycles. The first dating cycle is vicious dating cycle. The vicious dating cycle
depicts the idea of singles moving from one relationship to another relationship because of the desire to
find fulfillment in individuals.
TABLE 2. Vicious Dating Cycle
1. You are imperfect and hungry for acceptance. 2. So you date to find someone who will make you
happy. 3. Your date, however, is also imperfect and hungry for acceptance. 4. You try to please
each other but eventually make mistakes and disappoint each other. 5. Your disappoint-ment causes
conflict and rejection. 6. As the rejection mounts, you begin to look for someone else to please
you. 7. The cycle starts over.
The second dating cycle is Christ’s Love Dating Cycle. The Christ’s Love Dating Cycle comes from an
individual finding Christ’s love and unconditional acceptance. The individual then finds completeness in
Christ.
TABLE 3. Christ’s Love Dating Cycle
1. You are imperfect, but you are fulfilled by God’s love. 2. So when you date someone, he or she no
longer has to act perfectly to please you. 3. Therefore, your date is free to be himself or herself. 4.
This makes him or her feel more comfortable around you. 5. When your date makes a mistake, you
can forgive him or her as God forgave you. 6. In turn, your date enjoys being with you and encourages
a deeper relation-ship. 7. A cycle of intimacy forms, and you grow closer together.
Summary
Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar have expressed their opinions and ideas on
the issue of dating. In offering support for not “kissing dating goodbye”, these authors also agree that
Christians need to work further on the way dating has taken place.
CHAPTER 3
DATING LEADS TO INTIMACY OR TO COMMITMENT?
Joshua Harris believes that the idea of dating leads to defective dating. The first defective dating habit is
as follows: Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment. Henry Cloud, John Townsend,
Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar disagree with Harris. This chapter will look at the idea of dating leading to
intimacy, commitment, both, or neither.
Harris’ Position
Joshua Harris believes most dating relationships encourage intimacy without any real intentions of a long-
term commitment. The intimacy is encouraged just for the sake of intimacy. Relationships that do not
define a level of commitment can be dangerous if intimacy is deepening. Individuals involved in this type of
relationship open themselves up emotionally and physically. In the end of the relationship, at least one of
the individuals involved is deeply hurt.
A dating relationship that moves toward intimacy without commitment, according to Harris, is the root of the
problems dating causes. God wants individuals to enjoy an intimate relationship as a byproduct of a love
that is based on commitment. Many individuals involved in a dating relationship enjoy the emotional and
possibly the physical benefits of intimacy. The intimacy relationship is based on false romance and no real
commitment. Emotional and physical desires are awakened. The individuals involved in the intimacy
relationship without commitment cannot justly meet the awakened desires. I Thessalonians 4:6 refers to
this type of relationship as defrauding.
Cloud and Townsend’s Position
Henry Cloud and John Townsend believe that individuals involved in a dating relationship each need to
have their own boundaries. The boundaries will serve as a fence that protects the individual’s property and
beliefs. Table 4 will list some contents that are located inside individual’s boundaries. The contents will
help define and protect an individual.
TABLE 4. Some Contents Located Inside Individual’s Boundaries
1. Your love: your deepest capacity to connect and trust.
2. Your emotions: your need to own your feelings and not be controlled by someone else’s feelings.
3. Your values: your need to have your life reflect what you care about most deeply
4. You behaviors: your control over how you act in your dating relationship.
5. Your attitudes: your stances and opinions about yourself and your date.
The established boundaries will help an individual in a dating relationship. The first boundary line
establishes truthful trust. Cloud and Townsend believe that honest, truthful trust is the foundation of any
dating relationship. The individuals involved in a relationship should not be deceptive. If one individual
does not feel the relationship is moving towards commitment, then be honest and share the feeling. Do not
stay involved in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.
Clark’s Position
Jeramy Clark believes that a Christian desiring to keep his dating life under Christ’s control does not have
to kiss dating goodbye. A movement to do away with dating has gained popularity in the Christian circle.
The proponents of kissing dating goodbye say that romantic feelings lead to sinful actions, therefore a
Christian should not date. Since God created romantic feelings, a Christian can allow God to guide them in
their dating relationships.
In a dating relationship, Clark says that honesty and clarity take top priority. An individual interested in a
dating relationship needs to communicate clearly their intentions. A Christian needs to have their own set
of rules, according to God’s standards and not the world’s standards, about dating. There are some rules
that make many Christians fall into the “trap of legalism”. Clark does believe that the rules of the “trap of
legalism” make some Christians feel they are living a godly life. The rules of the “trap of legalism” may
include kissing dating goodbye, never being alone with the opposite sex, participating only with group
dates, and just writing letters.
Grace is the opposite of legalism. God has extended grace to a Christian. Some Christians take
advantage of God’s grace by freely doing whatever pleases them. Others simply fall into the trap of
legalism. Clark says that God’s grace gives a Christian the opportunity to develop personal convictions
that are based upon the Word of God.
Each individual longs for intimacy, to some degree or another. Emotional intimacy is desired because
individuals want to be loved. Inappropriate intimacy can be hurtful and painful. Certain relationships
should be reserved for emotional intimacy. To help protect against misuse, an individual must have
boundaries. The boundaries will assist in individuals getting ahead of themselves in a dating relationship.
Each individual involved in a dating relationship should seek to honor God. A Christian should seek God’s
will in a dating relationship. This will help in equipping individuals to become the person God intends for
them to be.
Eagar’s Position
Rob Eagar says that fleshy behavior revolves around one’s self. An individual that concentrates solely on
themselves in a dating relationship could assist in the destruction of the relationship. As a result, sin
happens. Satan manipulates the mind by speaking in first person. “I really want to have sex with my date
tonight,” is an example. The manipulation can be persuasive. A Christian must maintain a life of holiness
and righteousness, even in a dating relationship, by resisting Satan’s manipulation. Christ speaks positive
thoughts of truth. An example could be, “I am complete in Christ and I do not need to have sex until
marriage.”
Many Christian individuals tend to get caught in a dating pattern that involves physical affection and then
heartache. Singles are not forbidden by God to touch each other. Physical activity must be kept to the
relationship’s commitment level. This will prevent an individual from experiencing heartache. A dating
relationship can grow when the individuals develop communication and unselfish love. The quality of a
dating relationship is based on dependence upon Jesus Christ.
Eagar suggests that an individual can protect their hearts by reserving their affections until they determine
what is consistent in the person they are dating. He also believes that an individual that commits their heart
to a new relationship too quickly should keep their options open to date other people. Above all, Eagar
says that Christ’s love needs to be the driving force behind an individual’s dating decisions.
Summary
Joshua Harris maintains that dating leads to intimacy and not necessarily to commitment. He says that
defrauding an individual happens when intimacy prevails over commitment.
Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar each believe that Christian individuals that are
involved in dating need to have boundaries, rules, or protection of the heart.
CHAPTER 4
DATING SKIPS THE FRIENDSHIP STAGE?
The second habit of Joshua Harris’ idea of defective dating says that the friendship stage of a relationship
tends to be skipped because of dating. Henry Cloud and John Townsend disagree with Harris. This
chapter will explore the question, “Does dating skip the friendship stage of a relationship?”
Harris’ Explanation
Joshua Harris believes that individuals involved in one-on-one dating relationship tend to skip the friendship
stage and quickly move straight to romance. A friendship basically states that common interests exist
between individuals. In a friendship, the individuals enjoy the common interests without any expectations.
A friendship between a male and a female does not involve pressures dating causes. A dating relationship
happens when at least one individual is attracted to a member of the opposite sex. The two begin dating
and getting to know each other. The dating relationship causes pressure. Romantic expectations and
trying to determine if the same feeling is mutual are just two pressures that can be the result of a dating
relationship.
Harris explains that he is not afraid of romance. One day he will grow to love a young lady. Until then,
Harris has chosen to avoid dating relationships and not get involved in any romance. The focus of Harris
has shifted from dating to serving God during his season of singleness. The shift allows for non-romantic
friendship with the opposite sex. The non-romantic friendship can be inspiring and insightful to the
individuals involved. Harris suggests that a healthy, non-romantic friendship involves each individual
respecting the limitations of the friendship and honoring each other according to God’s Word. Romans 12:
10-11, “(10) Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another; (11)
Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord.”
Cloud and Townsend’s Response
Henry Cloud and John Townsend state that a long, lasting relationship must first be built upon friendship. A
boundary to integrate into an individual’s dating life is that every relationship be built toward friendship.
Romance should not be rushed. The physical and emotional boundaries do not need to be neglected.
Nonromantic time spent together is a great way to get to know an individual. Spend time together with a
group of friends, just hanging out, and enjoying each other’s company are some nonromantic ways of
getting to know each other. The experience of getting to know someone by first being friends can lead to
the next step, dating.
A romanticized friendship comes from romantic feelings. The feelings being felt in a friendship strive to turn
the relationship into something that is not there, romance. A healthy romance does not strive to turn the
relationship into romance but involves self-control and offers a deep, satisfying relationship. Table 5,
designed by Cloud and Townsend, will help in determining a healthy romance or a romanticized friendship.
TABLE 5. Healthy Romance versus Romanticized Friendship
Healthy Romance Romanticized Friendship
Desire is based on first being rooted in love elsewhere. Desire is based on empty neediness for the
other person.
Other’s freedom is valued. Other’s freedom is a problem.
Relationship draws in friends. Relationship shut others out.
Conflicts work out okay. Conflicts threaten the relationship.
Mutual feelings. One person feels romantic, the other doesn’t.
Friendship and romantic feelings coexist. All-friend or all-romantic feelings; can’t be both at the same
time.
Summary
Harris believes that an individual needs to focus on serving God during the season of singleness. Cloud
and Townsend believe that friendship can lead to a dating relationship. In the process, the friendship stage
is not skipped.
CHAPTER 5
PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP MISTAKEN FOR LOVE?
Joshua Harris’ third pattern of defective dating says that a physical relationship involved in dating can be
mistaken for love. Jeramy Clark says that a physical fence can define how far is too far in keeping sexual
purity. This chapter will examine both opinions.
Harris’ Attitude Toward a Physical Relationship
Joshua Harris says that physical affection in a dating relationship may feel right but only adds confusion
towards the meaning of love. Society defines sex as love and love as sex. Individuals involved in a dating
relationship often mistaken true love for sexual intimacy and physical attraction. Most dating relationships
start with physical attraction and then lead to intimacy. The individuals involved are living only for the
present. The focus then turns toward the physical aspect of the relationship.
If the friendship stage has been skipped, lust brings the individuals together. The relationship’s level of
seriousness is determined by the physical display of affection towards each other. Harris calls this sinful.
The physical affection can cause guilt, regret, and disobedience to God. An individual needs to realize that
God calls for and demands sexual purity in their lives.
Proverbs 4:23 states, “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” Jeremiah 17:9,
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” Harris says that
guarding the heart requires an individual to protect themselves from their heart’s sinfulness. The world
proclaims, “Follow your heart.” God says, “Follow Me, I know everything” (1 John 3:20).
Clark Suggests a Physical Fence
Jeramy Clark says that single individuals constantly ask the question, “How far is too far?” God’s
standards, not an individual’s feelings, are the determining factor in answering the question. The Bible has
much to say about sexual standards. 1 Peter 1:13-15 challenges to live a holy life and not live according to
the former lusts. The apostle Paul wrote in 1 Thessalonians 4:3 to abstain from fornication or sexual
promiscuity. Promiscuity can include a lack of sexual standards, doing what feels right, and going all the
way in a dating relationship. God’s command is to flee fornication (1 Corinthians 6: 18a). An individual’s
body is the temple of the Lord, has been bought with a price, and should glorify God in every aspect of life
(1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
Clark says that living a life of sexual purity does not involve just touching. The mind and heart should
remain pure and free from sinful trash. The Bible says to resist the devil (James 4:7), protect against lustful
looks (Job 31:1), and put on the full armour of God (Ephesians 6:13). Individuals involved in a dating
relationship need to have a dating plan for success and rely on God’s power (Psalm 16:8). Clark says that
God’s Word will guide an individual in establishing boundaries in dating.
Summary
Harris reminds that a dating relationship can mistake love for the physical display of affection. Clark states
that an individual can be involved in a dating relationship by God’s standards according to the Bible.
CHAPTER 6
DATING ISOLATES OTHER VITAL RELATIONSHIPS?
Joshua Harris’ fourth habit of defective dating states that dating isolates from other vital relationships. Rob
Eagar disagrees with Harris. This chapter will discuss the two sides.
Harris’ Side
Joshua Harris acknowledges that the definition of dating involves two individuals focusing on each other.
Parents, siblings, friends, and everyone else of importance are all neglected because the individuals
involved in dating each other isolate themselves from these vital relationships. One relationship should not
cause an individual to shut the world out. The result may lead an individual to focus solely on the
relationship that it begins to influence every decision in life. Each individual needs to develop and establish
ongoing communication with their parents, siblings, friends, and other important people in life. The ongoing
communication assists in making good judgments in life. Proverbs 15:22 “Without counsel purposes are
disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are established.”
Eagar’s Side
Rob Eagar believes that in a dating relationship each individual should spend time around the other person’
s family. The time spent around the family can provide insight into how the other person interacts and
reacts with their parents, siblings, and other family members. A family relationship greatly influences an
individual’s character.
Time should also be spent around the other person’s friends. Questions to think about could include,
“What is his reputation among the peers?”, “Does she have respect among the people she hangs out
with?”, and “What kind of people does he or she hang around?” Character defects can be identified when
time is spent around friends. If an individual does not have any friends, then there may be a problem.
Summary
Harris believes the definition of dating is an indication that a dating relationship can isolate family and
friends.
Eagar says that being around family and friends can reveal some insight about an individual involved in a
dating relationship.
CHAPTER 7
THE BIBLE AND SOCIETY: DATING, SEX, LOVE, AND RELATIONSHIPS
Singles can find guidance, comfort, and timeless truths throughout the pages of the Bible. This chapter will
include Joshua Harris, Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Jeramy Clark, and Rob Eagar’s opinions of the Bible’s
view and society’s view on subjects such as dating, sex, love, and relationships.
Joshua Harris: Gain God’s Perspective
Joshua Harris says that he cannot overemphasize the importance of Christians gaining God’s perspective
on love. Christians have either a choice to imitate God’s perspective on love or to imitate the world’s
perspective. Under inspiration of the Holy Spirit, the apostle Paul wrote about love in 1 Corinthians 13.
Paul wanted the church at Corinth to uphold family values. Immorality existed in Corinth. The temple of
Aphrodite had one thousand prostitutes. Sex was elevated to a religious pursuit. The church needed
direction from God. In the midst of a perverted city, Paul told the Christians to put away childish things.
Harris says that today’s society is no different than the time of the city of Corinth. Immorality exists on every
corner. Billboards, newspaper ads, television commercials, and other media outlets portray that love is sex
and sex is pleasure. The society says that the primary benefit of love is for self-fulfillment, self-comfort and
self-feeling.
God says that love points to His only begotten Son Jesus Christ hanging on a cross. Christ says that love
benefits the good of others and for God’s glory. This type of love demonstrates a selfless love (John 15:
13). True love is not based on feelings but on obedience to God’s Word (John 14:15). If an individual
loves Christ then they will obey Him (John 14:15).
Harris believes that God’s true love abolishes dating. Since the world says that dating benefits an individual’
s self, then a dating relationship is self-centered. Some questions that should be asked are as follows:
“What is being sought in dating that could not be found in a friendship?”, “What is being communicated to
the individual involved in a dating relationship?”, and “Does the relationship help or hinder the other
individual’s personal walk with Christ?” A dating relationship can enslave individuals to the lust of the flesh
and of the eyes (1 John 2:16). Godly wisdom, patience, and selflessness need to set the tone in individual’
s lives.
Harris believes that friendship, not dating, is the way individuals should pattern their relationship with the
opposite sex. “How does an individual move from friendship to marriage?” an individual may ask Harris. He
says the Bible does not contain a formula or a particular program to move from friendship to marriage.
Four stages, developed by Harris, in a friendship can result in a God-honoring romantic relationship. Stage
one is casual friendship. An individual becomes friends with and feels attracted to a member of the
opposite sex. At this point one must keep in mind three very important relational responsibilities: 1.)
Relationship with the person of attraction; 2.) Relationship with family, friends, and others; and 3.)
Relationship with God, the most important of the three. The relational responsibilities can assist in
determining if the relationship will be self-satisfying or God honoring.
Stage two seeks a deeper friendship. An individual that feels an attraction to someone should seek to build
a deeper friendship. This can be done by including him or her in real life activities with family, friends, areas
of service, and even in ministry. An accurate and unbiased view can be gained in stage two. As the
friendship progresses do not say or express romantic love. The Bible says not to awake love until it is
ready (Song of Solomon 8:4). Do not speak too soon about romantic love. Proverbs 29:20 says, “Seeth
thou a man that is hasty in his words? There is more hope of a fool than of him.” Spend time in the Bible,
seek Christ in prayer for guidance, be ready for marriage and the lifelong commitment of responsibilities,
ask for approval from family and friends, and allow God to provide a peace that passes all understanding.
Once done, then determine if the friendship is ready for stage three or should not move further along.
Stage three is purposeful intimacy with integrity, defining the relationship’s purpose to pursue marriage.
The male individual needs to be the spiritual leader of the relationship and provide direction (Ephesians 5:
23-25). Harris says the male individual needs to say something such as, “We’re growing closer in
friendship, and I need to be upfront about my motives. With your parents’ permission, I want to explore the
possibility of marriage. I’m not interested in playing the game of being boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m ready to
be tested by you, your family, and those who are responsible for you. My desire is to win your heart.” The
female individual needs to be extremely honest in her response, decline the offer or accept the offer. If the
offer is accepted then the relationship needs to be tested and built in real-life settings. At this point,
principled romance needs to begin. “Principled romance is purposeful in its pursuit of marriage, protected
in its avoidance of sexual temptation, and accountable to parents or other Christians.” Stage three’s time
frame is based upon the individuals’ confidence about getting married. Once each individual is confident
about marriage, stage four can take place.
Stage four involves the engagement between the individuals. The relationship needs to be God honoring.
Purity is very important. Reserve the passion for marriage. Behaviors such as kissing, touching, and
caressing can lead to sexual compromise. Refuse to ignite the passion of physical intimacy by avoiding the
temptation all together. A couple should focus on the Holy Spirit’s guidance to grow them spiritually and
prepare them for marriage. Harris does say that the four stages will not solve the world’s relational
problems. His hope is the four stages will bring about a renewal of purity and true romance in
relationships. In the end, Harris encourages each individual to allow God to lead in creating a one-of-a-
kind love story.
Cloud and Townsend: Take God Everywhere, Including Dates
Henry Cloud and John Townsend believe that every individual yearns for someone to connect with and
become one. God designed individuals with that yearning. The final outcome of dating is the connection
between a male and a female to become one in marriage. Between the process of dating and the altar of
marriage is the spiritual dimension of dating. At times, an individual may find difficulty in navigating through
the spiritual dimension. Many questions are posed: “Have I found the person whom God intends for me to
marry?”, “What is the way to bring Christ into the beginning of a new dating relationship?”, and “How to
handle the disagreements of spiritually issues?”
Before starting a dating relationship, determine to bring the issue of dating before Christ. Ask Him for
guidance and for help in surrendering all to Him (Acts 17:28). An individual that does not surrender to
Christ will surrender to idolatry. The idolatry can lead to a demand for dating to fulfill the selfish desires.
As Christ is pushed to the side, dating idolatry begins to take shape in an individual’s life. An effort must be
made to seek God’s wise counsel and guidance in a dating and non-dating relationship (1 Corinthians 7:32-
34).
Christian individuals need to be salt and light in a dark world (Matthew 5:13-16). A Christian individual
should be an example to Christians and non-Christians. The Bible says that a Christian should not be
unequally yoked with non-Christians (2 Corinthians 6:14). A Christian individual needs to date someone
with the same faith, shares common interests, goals, and values.
Non-churchgoers and many churchgoers cannot understand the reason behind God wanting individuals to
save sex for marriage. Some believe that sex for marriage is nothing more than a religious rule. Society
says if something feels good and both individuals consent to participate then just do it. God says abstain
from fornication, do not defraud anyone, and He commands His children to live a life of holiness (1
Thessalonians 4:3-8).
Jeramy Clark: Compromise versus Non-Compromise
Jeramy Clark says that compromise is risky to an individual. The Bible tells a story about a man by the
name of Samson (Judges 13-16). Samson, before he was born, was called by God to be set apart. Instead
of obedience to God, Samson compromised by flirting with a lustful heart, giving in to sexual temptations,
and having a weakness for women. God did use Samson to judge the children of Israel but Samson’s
compromise cost him dearly. In the end, Samson’s compromise resulted in his humiliation and death.
Clark says that compromise causes an individual to settle for something cheap and trashy. Compromise
begins with something small but eventually grows to something larger. God commands His children to live a
non-compromising life. This type of life can experience joy, peace, kindness, and self-control (Galatians 5:
22-23). Ways to build a strong foundation include studying the Bible, spend time in prayer, and fellowship
with Christians.
Pornography is rampant in today’s society. Clark says that pornography slowly but surely devours an
individual’s life, enslaves them, is devastating, and ruthless. Table 6 contains some strategies that Clark
says can successfully fight the spiritual battle against pornography.
TABLE 6. Fight the Spiritual Battle Against Pornography
1. Recognize the Battle. Pornography is a spiritual battle for you mind. The battle begins when you allow
sexual thoughts or fantasies go unchecked. Then you must wage war against the temptation to dwell on
and indulge in those desires. Pornography is a lethal drug, and the battle if for our minds and bodies.
2. Never assume you’re “above it.” Do not deceive yourself that you are above sexual sin.
3. Pray. You can win the battle against lust and pornography only be relying on God’s strength and
guidance. You must pray for God’s help in each and every situation.
4. Flee. God wants you to flee sexual temptation. He doesn’t want you to stand there and take it or try to
fight on your own. He wants you to get out of there, and quick.
5. Take captive every thought. In 2 Corinthians 10:5 we’re commanded to “demolish . . . every pretension
that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and . . . take captive every thought to make it obedient to
Christ.” Imagine capturing your ugly thought, tying it up with ropes and chains, and marching it straight to
Jesus. Create a mental picture of gaining victory over that thought. Do this with every single thought that
threatens to distract you with inappropriate sexual desire.
6. Be accountable. Don’t overlook this powerful weapon in the war on pornography. Confess your trouble
spots to another man, and be accountable to him. If you consistently have someone asking you about your
thought life and actions, you’ll be more likely to live purely. Most likely the man you ask will want your help
in return. Stay accountable in every area.
Rob Eagar: Listen to the Heart
Rob Eagar says that many singles focus strictly on the outward, not inward, qualities of an individual they
are interested in dating. The outward qualities do not provide a detail and complete picture of that
particular individual. An individual that relies completely on outward appearances is selfish. The self-
absorbed individual does not consider the needs of others and prevents pure passion. Individuals involved
in a dating relationship based solely upon outward appearances will end up in an unfulfilling relationship.
The romance will fade away and the relationship will eventually end.
A heartfelt preference in being attracted to someone of the opposite sex is not wicked. Eagar says that
many singles have been told that a heartfelt preference is wicked. The proponents use Jeremiah 17:9 and
Mark 7:21 to support their viewpoints. Those two verses, according to Eagar, refer to the old covenant.
The new covenant is established in Christ’s sacrificial death on the cross and resurrection from the dead.
Christ now dwells in the hearts of the individuals that believe in Him by faith (Ephesians 3:17-19). As a new
creation in Christ, a Christian becomes holy and righteous (2 Corinthians 5:17, 21). Christ’s desires
become the desires of the individual serving Christ (Ephesians 2:10). Christ guides an individual to
balance romance and integrity while caring about the person they will marry. Eagar says that there is
nothing wrong with desiring certain physical qualities along with desiring spiritual qualities.
Summary
Each author has their own opinions of the Bible’s view and society’s view on subjects such as dating, sex,
love, and relationships. The truth is the Bible does address these subjects in one way or another. Many
interpretations of Scripture may exist but the Bible does not change. Study and read the Bible. Allow the
Holy Spirit to guide every aspect of life. The Gospel according to John records Jesus saying, “Search the
scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me”(John 5:39).
CHAPTER 8
CONCLUSION
The purpose of this paper was to provide insight into the research problem: The debate of dating versus
“kissing dating goodbye.” A variety of questions were explored. Questions such as “What was the debate
about?”, “Who are some of the opponents of ‘kissing dating goodbye’”, and “Does dating lead to intimacy
or to commitment?”
Each side was presented in a fair and non-biased way. The research was intended for the reader to read
the paper and analyze both sides of the debate of dating versus “kissing dating goodbye.” The reader
would then form his or her own opinion.
Researcher’s Opinion
The researcher has studied the Bible, spent time in prayer, and given thought about the debate of dating
versus “kissing dating goodbye.” Around the age of fourteen or fifteen, the researcher felt that he needed
to “kiss dating goodbye” and wait for the Lord to send him a Godly, conservative, Christian wife. He has
never dated anyone. God has taught him to wait patiently. Until the Lord sends his wife, the researcher
seeks to honor and serve God during his season of singleness.
Years later, in 2001, he received a copy of Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye. The researcher found
it very uplifting and encouraging that there were Christians that believed the same concept. Throughout
the years of ministry, the researcher has shared his view of “kissing dating goodbye” with young people
and singles.
At the current age of twenty-eight, the researcher continues to hold to the same view. The researcher
believes the Lord, in His time and place, will send his wife. Until then, the researcher enjoys spending
quality time with family, friends, doing the work of an evangelist, and living the Christian life.
The researcher has felt convicted to save sex for marriage, wait to save the first kiss for his wedding day
(for the record the researcher has never kissed a young lady), and live a life of purity that is God-
honoring. He agrees with Harris in allowing God to lead in creating a one-of-a-kind love story. The
researcher does look forward to one day getting married and having his own one-of-a-kind love story that
he can share with others.
Genesis 24 is one particular chapter in the Bible that serves as an encouraging chapter to the researcher.
God had reserved a wife for Isaac. In the meantime, Isaac spent time with his family and in communication
with God. Rebekah was busy going about life as normal. The researcher imagines that Abraham and his
family sought God in prayer concerning a wife for Isaac. The researcher also believes that Rebekah and
her family sought God for her a husband. Each family contributed to trust the Lord and allow Him to work in
His time and way. In the end, God brought Isaac and Rebekah together. Their one-of-a-kind love story is
still being read today. Wow!
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Clark, Jeramy. I Gave Dating a Chance: A Biblical Perspective to Balance the Extremes. Colorado Springs:
WaterBrook Press, 2000.
Cloud, Henry, and John Townsend. Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work. Grand Rapids: Zondervan
Publishing House, 2000.
Eagar, Rob. Dating With Pure Passion: More Than Rules, More Than Courage, More Than a Formula . . .
Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 2002.
Harris, Joshua. I Kissed Dating Goodbye, First ed. Sisters, Oregon: Multonmah Publishers, Inc., 1997.
The Holy Bible. Authorized King James Version; Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1999.