| Copyright 2005-2007 Jad Khalaf. All Rights Reserved |
| Copyright 2005-2007 Jad Khalaf. All Rights Reserved |
| Copyright 2005-2008 Dr. Jad Khalaf, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved |
| "Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth." II Timothy 2:15 |
| Dr. Jad Khalaf |
"COURTSHIP: DETERMINING IF THE RELATIONSHIP NEEDS TO END OR MOVE TOWARDS MARRIAGE"
BY
JAD J. KHALAF
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION 1
Research Problem 1
Delimitations 2
Summary of Each Chapter 2
SEASON OF COURTHSIP 3
Brief Description of Courtship 3
Base Emotions and Perceptions in Reality 4
Humble Embrace of Community 4
Commitment to Guard the Sacredness of Sex 5
A Deep Satisfaction in God 5
Summary 6
WAIT ON BUYING THE RING 7
Questions to Ask 7
Is the Relationship Centered On Jesus Christ? 7
Growing in Friendship, Communication, Fellowship, and Romance? 8
Friendship 8
Communication 9
Fellowship 9
Romance 10
Can Conflict Be Resolved? 11
Face the Realization of Responsibility? 12
Teammates Support the Idea of Marriage? 13
Ready for Holiness? 14
Commitment Phobic? 14
Patient or Impatient? 15
Any Heavy Baggage? 16
Personality Differences? 16
Raised in Different Family Atmospheres? 17
Pre-Marital Counseling? 18
Roles Defined? 19
To Marry or Not to Marry? 20
Summary 22
ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP 23
Causes That Lead to Ending the Relationship 23
Doubt 23
Spiritually Out of Sync 24
Major Character Flaws 24
Conflict Cannot Be Resolved 24
Not Ready to Accept Responsibility and Commitment Phobic 25
Teammates Are Not Supportive 25
Too Much Heavy Baggage 26
Difference in Personalities 26
Family Atmospheres Too Different 26
Pre-Marital Counseling 27
Definitions of Roles 27
Ending the Relationship 27
Discuss With a Trusted Friend 27
Immediately 28
Let Christ Handle the Breakup 28
Be Tactful and Truthful 28
Courage 29
No Follow-Up 29
Move On With Life 30
Summary 30
TIME TO BUY THE RING 31
Together Make a Lasting Impression 31
Study God’s Word as a Couple 32
A Plan for the Proposal 32
The Engagement 33
Summary 33
CONCLUSION 35
BIBLIOGRAPHY 36
INTRODUCTION
A male and a female enjoy a time of friendship. They grow in their friendship. The friendship deepens
and then leads to the season of courtship. This season is a time that each individual can have his or her
eyes wide open to the truth. Soberly and honestly, the individuals can take inventory and evaluate each
other before getting engaged.
Research Problem
The research problem in this paper will focus on questions and concerns that assist in determining if the
relationship needs to end or move towards marriage. What is a brief description of courtship? What are
some questions to ask in determining the future of the relationship? Do friendship, communication,
fellowship, and romance mean anything in the relationship’s growth? What causes a relationship to end?
How does an individual end the relationship? What about life after the relationship? When is it time for
the male to buy the ring? These questions, along with other questions, will be explored in further detail
throughout the paper.
Delimitations
In an attempt to provide insight into the research problem, this paper limited its scope to research those
authors that have written in the area of Christian relationships. The authors that have written in the area
of Christian relationships offer insight and opinions in answering the research problem. The authors
chosen for the purpose of this paper are Samuel Adams and Ben Young, Hayley and Michael DiMarco,
Rob Eagar, JoAnna Harris, Joshua Harris, Joey O’Connor, Neil Clark Warren, and Ravi Zacharias.
Summary of Each Chapter
Chapter one provides a brief description of the season of courtship. The second chapter encourages the
male to wait on buying the ring until important questions have been asked and answered. Chapter three
discusses ways to end the relationship that is not headed towards marriage. The fourth chapter explores
some ideas to prepare the relationship for engagement. Chapter five provides a conclusion to the paper.
CHAPTER 1
SEASON OF COURTSHIIP
Friendship first happens between two people of the opposite sex. Each Christian individual has the desire
for God to write his or her one-of-a-kind love story. God assumes the pen and begins writing the love
story.
As the friendship develops, the two people involved seek the Lord for direction and guidance in moving
them into the season of courtship. This chapter will provide a brief description of courtship.
Brief Description of Courtship
Courtship is a season that a Christian male and female seriously explore with the possibility of marriage.
The individuals will be honest and direct in expressing their feelings. Each individual will desire for the
relationship to have a clear understanding that God’s will be done.
The season of courtship is a time that the individuals fall in love with each other for who they are as a
person. The natural feeling of falling in love will be done with deep respect, friendship, and commitment.
A clear understanding that physical intimacy is not part of the natural feeling of falling in love must be
mutually agreed upon. Physical intimacy can distract and detour the relationship.
Base Emotions and Perceptions in Reality
The season of courtship needs to be a time that each individual wisely bases his or her emotions and
perceptions in reality. Spend time around each other’s families, friends, church settings, and other real-
life settings. Observe their actions, reactions, decisions, emotions, and communications in these real-life
settings. This will result in accurate and factual information concerning the other person’s emotions and
perceptions.
Humble Embrace of Community
Courtship needs the involvement and support of parents, family, friends, pastors, and others. These
people should be Godly, filled with God-given wisdom, supportive, caring, and who dearly love at least one
individual involved in the courtship. The people involved in the courtship are called teammates. The
teammates provide a sense of reality for the courtship, protection, and accountability. The humble
embrace of community can multiply the joy of the individuals in the courtship. Each individual in the
courtship can be confident that they are obeying and honoring God.
Commitment to Guard the Sacredness of Sex
Sex is a precious gift from God that is reserved for marriage. The individuals in the courtship need to
make a commitment to guard the sacredness of sex by abstaining from sexual activity. They should seek
to honor and glorify God with their bodies by living a life of purity. Purity can be interpreted as glorifying
God in body and spirit every second, minute, and hour of every day.
A Deep Satisfaction in God
Christian individuals in a courtship need to each find a deep satisfaction in God. Each individual must
come to the realization that only God, not each other, can fill the deep desire of the soul’s longing for
satisfaction. A Christian individual that seeks completeness in another person will become brokenhearted
and empty. Jesus Christ will never leave or forsake His child. A Christian individual must spend time on
their knees in prayer before God.
Summary
The season of courtship strives to view each person’s emotions and perceptions in reality, seeks the
involvement and support of teammates, makes a commitment to guard the sacredness of sex by
abstaining from sexual activity, and finds a deep satisfaction only in God. Courtship allows the individuals
in the relationship to see if the relationship is heading towards marriage.
CHAPTER 2
WAIT ON BUYING THE RING
The male involved in a courtship may get ahead of himself by rushing out and buying the ring. Take time
to ask questions and receive the appropriate answers. Seek God in determining if the relationship needs
to end or move closer to marriage.
Questions to Ask
The individuals involved in a courtship need to ask questions and seek answers. There are endless
questions to ask. The questions posed in this chapter are just some of importance. Seek God, the help
of teammates, and devise a list of questions that fit the courtship.
Is the Relationship Centered On Jesus Christ?
Jesus Christ is to be first in a Christian’s life (Luke 9:23). Each individual in the relationship must submit to
Christ. Then the relationship will center on Jesus Christ.
The spiritual aspect of the relationship is the most important aspect of the courtship. Only Jesus Christ
can offer unconditional love. If one individual in the relationship is not submitting to Christ, then problems
will arise in the future. Problems such as manipulating love from one another and the feeling of not being
loved can arise.
Each person must have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. If one of the individuals is not a follower
of Jesus Christ, then the relationship needs to end (2 Corinthians 6:14). For example, the male in the
relationship may act spiritual only to please the female. The male may say the right words. Unless he has
accepted Jesus Christ as personal Lord and Savior, asked for forgiveness from sin, and genuinely desires
to live for Christ then the relationship is destined for failure because Christ is not the center. Reconsider
the relationship until he gets his life right with Christ.
Growing in Friendship, Communication, Fellowship, and Romance?
Individuals involved in courtship need to ask themselves if they are growing in friendship, communication,
fellowship, and romance. These areas are very important in a relationship. Take time to evaluate and
reflect.
Friendship
Friendship between the individuals should be deepening. Are there activities, interests, and things that
both individuals enjoy doing together? Does each person have fun spending time with one another?
Communication
Communication in a relationship is very important. For the majority of the time, the female in the
relationship values time spent in quality communication. The friendship can grow if correct communication
is present. How well does each individual communicate? Does one individual feel frustrated because they
do all the communicating?
Communication involves both individuals talking and listening at appropriate times. The concept of
listening is not just hearing what the other individual is saying. To listen means that what is being said is
understood and heard. The communication in the relationship will probably need improvement. Does
each individual realize his or her own need to improve? How has the communication level increased thus
far?
Fellowship
Fellowship with each other includes the Bible. Jesus Christ, as stated earlier, must be first in the
relationship. The individuals in the courtship can pray together, study the Bible together, and share the
Bible with others. The male in the relationship is responsible for leading in Biblical fellowship. His role is to
make sure that the relationship consistently spends quality time fellowshipping with the Lord.
The individuals in the courtship can fellowship by reading Christian books together, discussing sermons,
visiting elderly people, working with a non-profit organization, and encouraging each other to grow in
righteousness. Does the fellowship bring each individual closer to God? How is the fellowship with each
other growing the relationship?
Romance
Pure romance is seen through appropriate actions and words. The male in the relationship will want to
grow in pure romance with the female. The courtship’s first priority is not pure romance. Pure romance
has its place in the courtship. The feelings need to be expressed in a way that pleases Christ.
Nonphysical expressions play an important role in the courtship (Romans 12:10). E-mails, cards, flowers,
lunch, and other expressions of gratitude are some examples of nonphysical expressions of pure
romance. The male should take the initiative to make sure the courtship has pure romance and to offer
nonphysical expressions of gratitude to the female.
Can Conflict Be Resolved?
Conflict will take place in a courtship. It is unavoidable. At times, an individual’s selfish desire of the flesh
takes over. Tempers may flare, attitudes may become hostile, and feelings may get hurt because of
conflict. A simple disagreement can turn into an argument. Can the conflict be resolved together?
Conflict resolution is important for the individuals in a relationship to survive and thrive. Each individual
should take appropriate responsibility in solving the conflict as quickly as possible. The positive attitude to
resolve the conflict by talking things through is a must in a relationship.
Once the conflict is resolved then the individuals need to determine if the issue is settled for good or if the
issue will surface later. Just because one individual says the right thing to settle the conflict does not
mean the conflict is resolved. Take time to get rid of the root of the conflict so that it does not grow back.
Many marriage counselors say that the avoidance of conflict is the number one predictor of divorce in a
marriage. Many couples seek to avoid the conflict and hope that it just goes away. The longer the conflict
goes unresolved the bigger the fight will be. A relationship can be successful if the individuals discuss
ways to strengthen each other through their differences.
Can conflict be resolved in a healthy manner? What is each individual’s attitude towards resolving
conflict? Is there any conflict that needs to be rooted out before moving closer to marriage? Does each
individual take responsibility for striving to resolve conflict?
Face the Realization of Responsibility?
The maturity level of each individual in the courtship plays an important role. The relationship comes with
responsibilities. Each individual must evaluate him or herself and see if they are mature enough to put
aside the flesh’s selfishness and selflessly take on the responsibilities of being a spouse, becoming one in
Christ through marriage, and possibly becoming a parent one day.
The words “I do” bring about a whole new meaning to responsibilities. For example, the male becomes the
family’s provider. He is to take care of meeting the needs of his wife and eventually the needs of their
children. Each individual takes on his or her appropriate roles. Has discussion taken place concerning
the reality of marriage? Does the male and female each understand the role they will play in the
marriage? What area(s) of maturing needs to take place first before saying “I do”?
Teammates Support the Idea of Marriage?
The teammates that have been assembled play a very important role in observing and communicating to
the individuals in a courtship. Each individual should spend time around the other’s families, friends, and
real-life settings. The teammates will provide honest feedback and comments. Do any of the teammates
not support the idea of the individuals moving towards marriage? Why? What do they suggest?
The helpful insight that the teammates provide need to be taken very seriously. Remember the
teammates were assembled to provide a sense of reality. Their view of the relationship is from the
outside. One or more of the teammates may see danger ahead based on the time they have spent
observing each individual in the courtship. If an item of concern is brought forward, then focus on the
facts. Do not hide the truth. Seek to discuss the matter in an appropriate way. The support and
encouragement of the teammates, family, and friends will be very beneficial. Do not isolate the
relationship that it becomes an island all by itself.
Ready for Holiness?
Marriage is meant to make the individuals holy. An individual may view marriage as meeting their needs,
receiving the love they deserve, and making them happy. This view is incorrect. God designed marriage
to make an individual shift from the selfish nature to the selfless nature by living for the other person. The
commitment to marriage is twenty-four hours per day, seven days a week, and three hundred sixty five
days a year (including leap year).
Commitment Phobic?
An individual with commitment phobic fears that making a commitment will result in losing control of their
life. Marriage is a commitment for life. Each individual is making a decision to commit to each other for
better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, and till death
parts them when they each say “I Do”. Does either individual suffer from commitment phobic? What does
the word commitment mean to the man? What does the word commitment mean to the woman? How
much time has been allotted in the courtship for discussion about commitment? Has each individual
understood the marriage vows that result in saying “I Do”?
Patient or Impatient?
Two individuals that are considering marriage need to evaluate each other’s patience in handling issues.
Each individual comes to the relationship with his or her own personality. If one or both of the individuals
is impatient, then the blame game may take place. Maybe the male is a very patient individual. The
female is the impatient one in the relationship. The blame game takes place when the female expresses
to the male that she is made to be impatient. An argument follows the blame game. Each individual is
defensive in protecting his or her position.
Patience comes from God. Each individual must ask God to give them patience to sort out problems that
will arise. A patient attitude reflects God’s love. An impatient attitude reflects an individual’s selfish
attitude. Has an impatient attitude been a problem? Who is the impatient individual? Are either impatient
or patient? Is an impatient attitude resulting in a blame game?
Any Heavy Baggage?
Heavy baggage from the past can destroy a marriage. One individual may bring consequences of past
relationships into the present relationship. Baggage can come from different life experiences. Addiction,
depression, abuse, debt, emotional hurt, and other baggage issues can become very heavy. Marriage will
not make heavy baggage disappear. Only Christ can lift the heavy baggage from an individual’s life.
Is there any heavy baggage weighing down the relationship? What heavy baggage from the past is one
or both of the individuals carrying around? Has Christ been allowed to lift the heavy baggage?
Personality Differences?
Two individuals that have different personalities may find difficulty in marriage. One individual may have
an outgoing personality, enjoy being around friends, spend time with immediate family members, work with
an ambitious attitude, and love to laugh. The other individual may be the total opposite. The individuals
may “be in love”, but eventually one or both individuals will become dissatisfied and frustrated.
Are there personality differences between the individuals? Have the differences caused any problems?
What measures have been taken to solve the personality differences? Has the attitude of “being in love”
interfered with having a clear focus of the relationship?
Raised in Different Family Atmospheres?
Cultural differences can bring about challenges. If one individual is raised in a Chinese family atmosphere
and the other individual is raised in an American family atmosphere, then differences may need to be
worked out. The same is true if one was raised in a wealthy family and the other individual was raised in a
poor family. Maybe the male individual is close to his parents and family while the female is distant from
hers.
The different family atmospheres need to be discussed openly and honestly before marriage. The male
that is close to his family will want to spend time around them even after marriage. Has the female
considered this? Does she feel jealous and envious toward the male and toward his family? Each other’s
family and background is very important in a marriage. A full understanding of the in-law’s roles should be
a topic of discussion. What questions have been asked about each other’s family background? Are there
any areas of concern about the roles of the in-laws?
Pre-Marital Counseling?
Pre-marital counseling needs to take place as soon as possible in a courtship. Individuals tend to either
do away with pre-marital counseling or approach the counseling with a casual attitude. A casual attitude
can be seen when individuals half-heartedly believe that they only need a few weeks of pre-marital
counseling with a pastor or counselor. The individuals are concerned that the pastor or counselor will try
to destroy their relationship by pointing out “unnecessary areas of concern.”
Take pre-marital counseling very seriously. Allow more than a few weeks with a pastor or counselor.
Take quality time to invest with them. The pastor or counselor will discuss important issues, warn what to
expect after the honeymoon is over, and prepare for any disillusionments that may exist about marriage.
Has either individual taken a casual attitude towards pre-marital counseling? Why has not pre-marital
counseling begun? Does the fear of a counselor or pastor trying to destroy the relationship prevent pre-
marital counseling?
Roles Defined?
The roles in the relationship need to be properly defined according to the Bible. God is the Head of
Christ, Christ is the Head of every man, the man is the head of the wife, the wife willingly submits to her
husband, the husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church, and both husband and wife become one
in Christ (Mark 10:6-9; 1 Corinthians 11:1-3, 8-12; Ephesians 5:22-25; Colossians 3:18-19). The
leadership roles are simple to understand, may be difficult to follow, and require a willingness from both
individuals to live according to the Bible.
God created the male and female to be equal. Yet they were created to be different. The male was not
made to complete the female. Neither was the female created to complete the male.
God made the male and the female to complement each other. Only Christ can complete an individual.
Have the roles been properly defined in the relationship? Does the male take on the responsibility of the
spiritual leader? How does the female react to submitting to the male? Has each individual willingly made
a decision to live according to the Bible? Does the female complement the male and the male complement
the female? Is each individual complete in Christ?
To Marry or Not to Marry?
Marriage is a real commitment between real individuals for a real lifetime. Marriage is not a fairy tale and
should be taken very seriously. Each individual must seek the Lord’s guidance, seek the wisdom of
teammates, evaluate the answers to important questions, observe real-life settings, and understand that
marriage is a lifetime commitment that is made before God.
The male individual must make the choice to marry or not marry the female. The same holds true for the
female. The Bible contains an in depth passage that speaks about getting married (1 Corinthians 7:25-
40). The decision may not be an easy one to make. Time may need to be spent thinking about the
responsibility of marriage.
The time spent pondering marriage requires soul-searching. Each individual needs to ask themselves
questions. A few questions could be as follows: “Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life
with?”; “Do I sincerely believe that marrying this person is God’s will for my life?”; “Am I ready to face
marriage’s responsibilities?”; “Were the teammates honest in saying I should wait to marry this
individual?”; “Can I truly say the relationship is centered around Christ?”; “Have I evaluated growth in the
areas of friendship, communication, fellowship, and romance?”; “Can conflicts be resolved together by
rooting out the problem?”; “Am I mature enough for marriage?”; “Do I comprehend that marriage is twenty-
four hours per day, seven days a week, and three hundred sixty five days a year (including leap year)?”;
“Does the person I am going to marry suffer from commitment phobic?”; “Are we patient or impatient with
each other?”; “Have I allowed Christ to take away all of my heavy baggage?”; “Are our personalities
different or similar?”; “Does each of our family’s atmosphere pose any problems between the two of us?”;
“What did the pastor or counselor suggest during pre-marital counseling?”; “Is there any truth to the
pastor or counselor’s suggestion?”; “Do I deserve better?”; “Are we doing what is best for each other by
getting married?”; and “Do I marry or not marry this person?”
Summary
Individuals that feel that they are ready to move from courtship need to take their time and not get ahead
get of themselves. The questions that have been presented are not an exhaustive list of questions. Make
sure to listen to the heart and not just to the feelings.
CHAPTER 3
ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP
Individuals in a courtship may come to a point that they feel the relationship needs to end. The
relationship is not heading towards marriage. This chapter discusses what may cause the relationship to
end, obeying God’s will in ending the relationship, and moving on with life.
Causes That Lead to Ending the Relationship
One or both of the individuals in a courtship may be “hanging on” to the relationship. The reality is that
the relationship needs to end. The reasons for ending a relationship will vary, but the following are some
examples that the relationship is not moving towards marriage.
Doubt
If one or both of the individuals have any type of doubt about the relationship and where it is heading,
then the relationship needs to end. Be honest about the doubt. Admit that doubt is a big concern at the
present time. No one is under any obligation or pressure into getting married.
Spiritually Out of Sync
After evaluating the spiritual life of the other person, the male or female may conclude that the other
person is spiritually out-of-sync. Christ is not the center of the relationship. The female may have been
pretending to be spiritual but did not live out her faith. Clearly, the relationship is destined for failure.
Major Character Flaws
The relationship is suffering in one or more of the following areas: friendship, communication, fellowship,
or romance. One or both individuals will recognize major character flaws in each other and possibly in
their own lives. The friendship could be growing apart. In-depth communication is lacking in the
relationship. Fellowship through Bible study and prayer time is not genuine. Pure romance is nonexistent
and does not appear to be of importance to one or both individuals. These character flaws are major and
the relationship is suffering.
Conflict Cannot Be Resolved
Conflict is a major problem. Every time temper flares, one of the individuals refuses to get to the root of
the problem. Arguments are taking place on a regular basis. In public and in private, quarrels can arise
over small issues. The relationship feels like a battlefield instead of a healthy courtship. Evidence has
proven time and again that the unhealthy courtship does not contain a positive attitude in resolving
conflict.
Not Ready to Accept Responsibility and Commitment Phobic
After thinking about all of the responsibilities that are involved in marriage, one of the individuals may feel
that they are not ready to accept those responsibilities. This could be the result of immaturity or refusing
to put aside the flesh’s selfish nature. The thought of being responsible for a spouse and eventually
children is too overwhelming. The male may not be ready to accept responsibility as the family’s provider
and suffers from commitment phobic. Some maturing needs to take place, thus the relationship is finished.
Teammates Are Not Supportive
One, two, or all of the teammates that were assembled do not support the individuals in the courtship
getting married. Observations in real-life settings and a view of the relationship from the outside may
cause the teammates to develop their conclusion. Items of concern that have been brought forward for
discussion were not handled in an appropriate manner. After the individuals in the courtship have
analyzed the teammates’ comments, the decision needs to be made to dissolve the relationship.
Too Much Heavy Baggage
Heavy baggage is causing consequences in the relationship. The baggage is too much for the individuals
to cope with. One of the individuals has refused to let go of the baggage and let Christ lift the heavy load.
The courtship has not helped in doing away with the baggage and marriage will only present more
problems.
Difference in Personalities
The outgoing and ambitious individual is not getting along with the non-outgoing and non-ambitious
individual. One person’s personality seems to clash with the other’s personality. The opposite
personalities do not attract and are frustrating to both individuals.
Family Atmospheres Too Different
The cultural differences, the upbringing differences, and closeness of one’s own family are way too
different. The male cannot accept the differences of the two cultures. The female is jealous of the male’s
relationship with his family. For the benefit of the individual’s, marriage is out of the question.
Pre-Marital Counseling
Pre-marital counseling revealed some important issues that were exposed. Maybe the casual attitude of
one of the individuals meant that he or she would approach marriage with the same attitude. The pastor
or counselor’s words are true and will be followed. The relationship is nothing more than a disillusion.
Definitions of Roles
The roles were properly defined but one of the individuals is unwilling to submit to their role in marriage.
Maybe the female feels that a twenty-first century wife is to assume the leadership role. The male may
feel that the female does not complement him in the relationship. One or both of the individuals are
unwilling to live according to their respective roles.
Ending the Relationship
The time may come that the relationship must end. The decision to end the relationship may be difficult to
do. The following ideas can assist in ending the relationship.
Discuss With a Trusted Friend
Seek a trusted friend to help process the feelings that are associated with ending the relationship. The
trusted friend may be one of the teammates. Make sure the trusted friend does not try to convince or
sway the decision. Ask the trusted friend to listen and provide honest feedback.
Immediately
Do not waste any more time in the relationship. Once the decision has been made, immediately end the
relationship. Understand that feelings may be hurt. The result may be painful. Be honest about the
feelings and do not make any excuses. Now is better than later to end the relationship.
Let Christ Handle the Breakup
An individual that is ending the relationship needs to let Christ handle the breakup. Christ will comfort His
child and help heal any pain that may be associated with the breakup. In the midst of the emotions’ chaos,
Christ provides comfort and peace (Philippians 4:6-7).
Be Tactful and Truthful
When the relationship ends, do not seek revenge. An individual does not need to be cruel or mean while
ending the relationship. Hurt and pain will probably be associated with the breakup, but calm down and be
truthful in sharing feelings. An individual that tells the truth can positively shed light on the relationship
and the other person. The thought of telling the truth may be frightful but can actually help the other
person realize an area(s) that need to be worked out in his or her own life.
Courage
Be courageous. Ask Christ to distribute courage in breaking up the relationship. An individual may feel
pressure to move forward towards marriage or may decide to get married out of fear of never finding
another person to marry. Trust Christ’s guidance.
No Follow-Up
Once the relationship has been ended, do not follow-up through a phone call, e-mail, or for hanging out.
Move on with life. Each individual needs to put the past behind and continue living life as normal. A
superficial friendship will emerge if both individuals want to be “just friends.”
Move On With Life
The relationship is over. Life is not. Move on with life and persevere (Romans 5:3-5). Learn from the
experience. Allow Christ to ease the pain, grow in Christ, and enjoy spending time with family and friends.
Get actively involved, if not already, in a Bible-believing church. Continue to build character for a future
relationship. Live life for Christ (Philippians 1:21).
God is working everything for the good of those that love Him (Romans 8:28). The circumstance is not
greater than God. Trust God’s sovereignty, wisdom, love, and direction (Proverbs 3:5-6). Do not worry
about tomorrow. Just trust and obey Christ for there is no other way. God will make a way when there
seems to be no other way. God’s plans and thoughts are of peace and to give an expected end (Jeremiah
29:11-12).
Summary
Many items can cause a relationship to break up. If one individual feels that the relationship is not
heading towards marriage, then end the relationship. As difficult and tough the decision may be, allow
God to guide and direct in making the decision. Move on with life. God has a greater yes just around the
corner. Take God’s hand and allow Him to lead the way.
CHAPTER 4
TIME TO BUY THE RING
Each individual in the relationship realizes the courtship needs to proceed towards marriage. The male
decides to search, find, and purchase the perfect ring. Time has been spent in real-life settings, asking
questions, receiving answers, gaining input from teammates, and seeking God’s will. This chapter will
explore some ideas to prepare the relationship for engagement.
Together Make a Lasting Impression
Genesis 24 tells of Isaac and Rebekah’s love story. Rebekah had not met Isaac yet, but he made a
lasting impression on her. Isaac was a man of prayer. He spent time with God and searching out His will
for life. The desire to fellowship with God is very important. As Rebekah was on her way to meet her new
husband, she sees Isaac meditating in the field.
Individuals that are preparing for marriage need to become a man or a woman of prayer. Together the
couple needs to have the desire to fellowship with God. This desire should be the couple’s motivation in
life. Make each day count by allowing God to work and move in life and in the relationship. The
individuals in a relationship need to make lasting impressions by staying in God’s presence as a couple.
The relationship will be built on Christ.
Study God’s Word as a Couple
The individuals in the relationship need to study God’s Word as a couple. The Word of God is a lamp
unto the feet and a light unto the path (Psalm 119:105). The couple can learn Scripture together, reflect
on sermons they have heard, pray for each other, and live out their faith. The marriage ceremony may
not be immediately but the decision to be rooted and grounded in God’s Word will prepare the couple for
marriage.
A Plan for the Proposal
The male individual needs to develop a plan to propose to the female. First of all, seek her parents’
permission. The parents may be deceased or may not be involved in her life, then seek the permission of
a Godly gentlemen or lady that is responsible for the female individual.
The male individual will first meet with the female’s father, or other person. The father will either give his
blessing or will not give his blessing. By this point in the relationship, the father will probably give his
blessing on the relationship. Once the blessing has been given, then began planning how and when the
proposal will take place. Some females do not want family and friends to be present at her proposal.
There are some females that do want family and friends present. The male individual will have to
determine the family and friends that will be or will not be present.
Pick out the place and time. Involve a team that will help. God will provide the strength to propose. Most
proposals go something like this, “I have waited for a long time for the Lord to send me the love of my life.
I know without a doubt that God brought us together. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. From
the depths of my heart, I love you. Will you marry me?” The female will be so excited and overwhelmed.
She will probably start screaming and hollering, “Yes! Yes! A definite Yes! I will marry you!”
The Engagement
Many items need to take place during the engagement. A wedding date and place has to be determined.
Invitations are picked out. The list goes on and on. Each couple will have their own lists to accomplish
during the engagement. Enjoy the time spent planning, preparing, and paying for the upcoming wedding.
Summary
The individuals in the relationship move towards marriage. The couple makes a lasting impression
through prayer and study God’s Word together. The male individual seeks the blessing of the female’s
father, devises a plan, buys the ring, and pops the big question “Will you marry me?” If the female says
yes, the engagement time begins. This time is spent in planning, preparing, and paying for the upcoming
wedding.
CHAPTER 5
CONCLUSION
The purpose of this research paper was to focus on questions and concerns that assist in determining if
the relationship needs to end or move towards marriage. A variety of questions were explored. Questions
such as “Do friendship, communication, fellowship, and romance mean anything in the relationship’s
growth?”, “What causes a relationship to end?”, and “When is it time for the male to buy the ring?”
The research intended for individuals in a courtship to answer the research problem. Each individual,
after taking inventory and evaluating the relationship, can make a decision about the future. If the
courtship leads to marriage, then the individuals can enjoy their time together as a couple.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Adams, Samuel, and Ben Young. The One: A Realistic Guide to Choosing Your Soul Mate. Nashville:
Nelson Books, 2001.
DiMarco, Hayley, and Michael DiMarco. Marriable: Taking the Desperate Out of Dating. Grand Rapids:
Fleming H. Revell, 2005.
Eagar, Rob. Dating With Pure Passion: More Than Rules, More Than Courtship, More Than a Formula.
Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 2002.
Harris, JoAnna. You Didn't Complete Me: When "The One" Turns Out to be Just Someone. Nashville: W
Publishing Group, 2004.
Harris, Joshua. Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship. Sisters: Multnomah Publishers, 2000.
O'Connor, Joey. I Love You Unconditionally . . . On One Condition: Everyday Choices for an Extraordinary
Marriage. Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2004.
Warren, Neil Clark. Date . . . Or Soul Mate? How To Know if Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or
Less. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2002.
Zacharias, Ravi. I, Isaac, Take Thee, Rebekah. Nashville: W Publishing Group, 2004.
BY
JAD J. KHALAF
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION 1
Research Problem 1
Delimitations 2
Summary of Each Chapter 2
SEASON OF COURTHSIP 3
Brief Description of Courtship 3
Base Emotions and Perceptions in Reality 4
Humble Embrace of Community 4
Commitment to Guard the Sacredness of Sex 5
A Deep Satisfaction in God 5
Summary 6
WAIT ON BUYING THE RING 7
Questions to Ask 7
Is the Relationship Centered On Jesus Christ? 7
Growing in Friendship, Communication, Fellowship, and Romance? 8
Friendship 8
Communication 9
Fellowship 9
Romance 10
Can Conflict Be Resolved? 11
Face the Realization of Responsibility? 12
Teammates Support the Idea of Marriage? 13
Ready for Holiness? 14
Commitment Phobic? 14
Patient or Impatient? 15
Any Heavy Baggage? 16
Personality Differences? 16
Raised in Different Family Atmospheres? 17
Pre-Marital Counseling? 18
Roles Defined? 19
To Marry or Not to Marry? 20
Summary 22
ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP 23
Causes That Lead to Ending the Relationship 23
Doubt 23
Spiritually Out of Sync 24
Major Character Flaws 24
Conflict Cannot Be Resolved 24
Not Ready to Accept Responsibility and Commitment Phobic 25
Teammates Are Not Supportive 25
Too Much Heavy Baggage 26
Difference in Personalities 26
Family Atmospheres Too Different 26
Pre-Marital Counseling 27
Definitions of Roles 27
Ending the Relationship 27
Discuss With a Trusted Friend 27
Immediately 28
Let Christ Handle the Breakup 28
Be Tactful and Truthful 28
Courage 29
No Follow-Up 29
Move On With Life 30
Summary 30
TIME TO BUY THE RING 31
Together Make a Lasting Impression 31
Study God’s Word as a Couple 32
A Plan for the Proposal 32
The Engagement 33
Summary 33
CONCLUSION 35
BIBLIOGRAPHY 36
INTRODUCTION
A male and a female enjoy a time of friendship. They grow in their friendship. The friendship deepens
and then leads to the season of courtship. This season is a time that each individual can have his or her
eyes wide open to the truth. Soberly and honestly, the individuals can take inventory and evaluate each
other before getting engaged.
Research Problem
The research problem in this paper will focus on questions and concerns that assist in determining if the
relationship needs to end or move towards marriage. What is a brief description of courtship? What are
some questions to ask in determining the future of the relationship? Do friendship, communication,
fellowship, and romance mean anything in the relationship’s growth? What causes a relationship to end?
How does an individual end the relationship? What about life after the relationship? When is it time for
the male to buy the ring? These questions, along with other questions, will be explored in further detail
throughout the paper.
Delimitations
In an attempt to provide insight into the research problem, this paper limited its scope to research those
authors that have written in the area of Christian relationships. The authors that have written in the area
of Christian relationships offer insight and opinions in answering the research problem. The authors
chosen for the purpose of this paper are Samuel Adams and Ben Young, Hayley and Michael DiMarco,
Rob Eagar, JoAnna Harris, Joshua Harris, Joey O’Connor, Neil Clark Warren, and Ravi Zacharias.
Summary of Each Chapter
Chapter one provides a brief description of the season of courtship. The second chapter encourages the
male to wait on buying the ring until important questions have been asked and answered. Chapter three
discusses ways to end the relationship that is not headed towards marriage. The fourth chapter explores
some ideas to prepare the relationship for engagement. Chapter five provides a conclusion to the paper.
CHAPTER 1
SEASON OF COURTSHIIP
Friendship first happens between two people of the opposite sex. Each Christian individual has the desire
for God to write his or her one-of-a-kind love story. God assumes the pen and begins writing the love
story.
As the friendship develops, the two people involved seek the Lord for direction and guidance in moving
them into the season of courtship. This chapter will provide a brief description of courtship.
Brief Description of Courtship
Courtship is a season that a Christian male and female seriously explore with the possibility of marriage.
The individuals will be honest and direct in expressing their feelings. Each individual will desire for the
relationship to have a clear understanding that God’s will be done.
The season of courtship is a time that the individuals fall in love with each other for who they are as a
person. The natural feeling of falling in love will be done with deep respect, friendship, and commitment.
A clear understanding that physical intimacy is not part of the natural feeling of falling in love must be
mutually agreed upon. Physical intimacy can distract and detour the relationship.
Base Emotions and Perceptions in Reality
The season of courtship needs to be a time that each individual wisely bases his or her emotions and
perceptions in reality. Spend time around each other’s families, friends, church settings, and other real-
life settings. Observe their actions, reactions, decisions, emotions, and communications in these real-life
settings. This will result in accurate and factual information concerning the other person’s emotions and
perceptions.
Humble Embrace of Community
Courtship needs the involvement and support of parents, family, friends, pastors, and others. These
people should be Godly, filled with God-given wisdom, supportive, caring, and who dearly love at least one
individual involved in the courtship. The people involved in the courtship are called teammates. The
teammates provide a sense of reality for the courtship, protection, and accountability. The humble
embrace of community can multiply the joy of the individuals in the courtship. Each individual in the
courtship can be confident that they are obeying and honoring God.
Commitment to Guard the Sacredness of Sex
Sex is a precious gift from God that is reserved for marriage. The individuals in the courtship need to
make a commitment to guard the sacredness of sex by abstaining from sexual activity. They should seek
to honor and glorify God with their bodies by living a life of purity. Purity can be interpreted as glorifying
God in body and spirit every second, minute, and hour of every day.
A Deep Satisfaction in God
Christian individuals in a courtship need to each find a deep satisfaction in God. Each individual must
come to the realization that only God, not each other, can fill the deep desire of the soul’s longing for
satisfaction. A Christian individual that seeks completeness in another person will become brokenhearted
and empty. Jesus Christ will never leave or forsake His child. A Christian individual must spend time on
their knees in prayer before God.
Summary
The season of courtship strives to view each person’s emotions and perceptions in reality, seeks the
involvement and support of teammates, makes a commitment to guard the sacredness of sex by
abstaining from sexual activity, and finds a deep satisfaction only in God. Courtship allows the individuals
in the relationship to see if the relationship is heading towards marriage.
CHAPTER 2
WAIT ON BUYING THE RING
The male involved in a courtship may get ahead of himself by rushing out and buying the ring. Take time
to ask questions and receive the appropriate answers. Seek God in determining if the relationship needs
to end or move closer to marriage.
Questions to Ask
The individuals involved in a courtship need to ask questions and seek answers. There are endless
questions to ask. The questions posed in this chapter are just some of importance. Seek God, the help
of teammates, and devise a list of questions that fit the courtship.
Is the Relationship Centered On Jesus Christ?
Jesus Christ is to be first in a Christian’s life (Luke 9:23). Each individual in the relationship must submit to
Christ. Then the relationship will center on Jesus Christ.
The spiritual aspect of the relationship is the most important aspect of the courtship. Only Jesus Christ
can offer unconditional love. If one individual in the relationship is not submitting to Christ, then problems
will arise in the future. Problems such as manipulating love from one another and the feeling of not being
loved can arise.
Each person must have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. If one of the individuals is not a follower
of Jesus Christ, then the relationship needs to end (2 Corinthians 6:14). For example, the male in the
relationship may act spiritual only to please the female. The male may say the right words. Unless he has
accepted Jesus Christ as personal Lord and Savior, asked for forgiveness from sin, and genuinely desires
to live for Christ then the relationship is destined for failure because Christ is not the center. Reconsider
the relationship until he gets his life right with Christ.
Growing in Friendship, Communication, Fellowship, and Romance?
Individuals involved in courtship need to ask themselves if they are growing in friendship, communication,
fellowship, and romance. These areas are very important in a relationship. Take time to evaluate and
reflect.
Friendship
Friendship between the individuals should be deepening. Are there activities, interests, and things that
both individuals enjoy doing together? Does each person have fun spending time with one another?
Communication
Communication in a relationship is very important. For the majority of the time, the female in the
relationship values time spent in quality communication. The friendship can grow if correct communication
is present. How well does each individual communicate? Does one individual feel frustrated because they
do all the communicating?
Communication involves both individuals talking and listening at appropriate times. The concept of
listening is not just hearing what the other individual is saying. To listen means that what is being said is
understood and heard. The communication in the relationship will probably need improvement. Does
each individual realize his or her own need to improve? How has the communication level increased thus
far?
Fellowship
Fellowship with each other includes the Bible. Jesus Christ, as stated earlier, must be first in the
relationship. The individuals in the courtship can pray together, study the Bible together, and share the
Bible with others. The male in the relationship is responsible for leading in Biblical fellowship. His role is to
make sure that the relationship consistently spends quality time fellowshipping with the Lord.
The individuals in the courtship can fellowship by reading Christian books together, discussing sermons,
visiting elderly people, working with a non-profit organization, and encouraging each other to grow in
righteousness. Does the fellowship bring each individual closer to God? How is the fellowship with each
other growing the relationship?
Romance
Pure romance is seen through appropriate actions and words. The male in the relationship will want to
grow in pure romance with the female. The courtship’s first priority is not pure romance. Pure romance
has its place in the courtship. The feelings need to be expressed in a way that pleases Christ.
Nonphysical expressions play an important role in the courtship (Romans 12:10). E-mails, cards, flowers,
lunch, and other expressions of gratitude are some examples of nonphysical expressions of pure
romance. The male should take the initiative to make sure the courtship has pure romance and to offer
nonphysical expressions of gratitude to the female.
Can Conflict Be Resolved?
Conflict will take place in a courtship. It is unavoidable. At times, an individual’s selfish desire of the flesh
takes over. Tempers may flare, attitudes may become hostile, and feelings may get hurt because of
conflict. A simple disagreement can turn into an argument. Can the conflict be resolved together?
Conflict resolution is important for the individuals in a relationship to survive and thrive. Each individual
should take appropriate responsibility in solving the conflict as quickly as possible. The positive attitude to
resolve the conflict by talking things through is a must in a relationship.
Once the conflict is resolved then the individuals need to determine if the issue is settled for good or if the
issue will surface later. Just because one individual says the right thing to settle the conflict does not
mean the conflict is resolved. Take time to get rid of the root of the conflict so that it does not grow back.
Many marriage counselors say that the avoidance of conflict is the number one predictor of divorce in a
marriage. Many couples seek to avoid the conflict and hope that it just goes away. The longer the conflict
goes unresolved the bigger the fight will be. A relationship can be successful if the individuals discuss
ways to strengthen each other through their differences.
Can conflict be resolved in a healthy manner? What is each individual’s attitude towards resolving
conflict? Is there any conflict that needs to be rooted out before moving closer to marriage? Does each
individual take responsibility for striving to resolve conflict?
Face the Realization of Responsibility?
The maturity level of each individual in the courtship plays an important role. The relationship comes with
responsibilities. Each individual must evaluate him or herself and see if they are mature enough to put
aside the flesh’s selfishness and selflessly take on the responsibilities of being a spouse, becoming one in
Christ through marriage, and possibly becoming a parent one day.
The words “I do” bring about a whole new meaning to responsibilities. For example, the male becomes the
family’s provider. He is to take care of meeting the needs of his wife and eventually the needs of their
children. Each individual takes on his or her appropriate roles. Has discussion taken place concerning
the reality of marriage? Does the male and female each understand the role they will play in the
marriage? What area(s) of maturing needs to take place first before saying “I do”?
Teammates Support the Idea of Marriage?
The teammates that have been assembled play a very important role in observing and communicating to
the individuals in a courtship. Each individual should spend time around the other’s families, friends, and
real-life settings. The teammates will provide honest feedback and comments. Do any of the teammates
not support the idea of the individuals moving towards marriage? Why? What do they suggest?
The helpful insight that the teammates provide need to be taken very seriously. Remember the
teammates were assembled to provide a sense of reality. Their view of the relationship is from the
outside. One or more of the teammates may see danger ahead based on the time they have spent
observing each individual in the courtship. If an item of concern is brought forward, then focus on the
facts. Do not hide the truth. Seek to discuss the matter in an appropriate way. The support and
encouragement of the teammates, family, and friends will be very beneficial. Do not isolate the
relationship that it becomes an island all by itself.
Ready for Holiness?
Marriage is meant to make the individuals holy. An individual may view marriage as meeting their needs,
receiving the love they deserve, and making them happy. This view is incorrect. God designed marriage
to make an individual shift from the selfish nature to the selfless nature by living for the other person. The
commitment to marriage is twenty-four hours per day, seven days a week, and three hundred sixty five
days a year (including leap year).
Commitment Phobic?
An individual with commitment phobic fears that making a commitment will result in losing control of their
life. Marriage is a commitment for life. Each individual is making a decision to commit to each other for
better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, and till death
parts them when they each say “I Do”. Does either individual suffer from commitment phobic? What does
the word commitment mean to the man? What does the word commitment mean to the woman? How
much time has been allotted in the courtship for discussion about commitment? Has each individual
understood the marriage vows that result in saying “I Do”?
Patient or Impatient?
Two individuals that are considering marriage need to evaluate each other’s patience in handling issues.
Each individual comes to the relationship with his or her own personality. If one or both of the individuals
is impatient, then the blame game may take place. Maybe the male is a very patient individual. The
female is the impatient one in the relationship. The blame game takes place when the female expresses
to the male that she is made to be impatient. An argument follows the blame game. Each individual is
defensive in protecting his or her position.
Patience comes from God. Each individual must ask God to give them patience to sort out problems that
will arise. A patient attitude reflects God’s love. An impatient attitude reflects an individual’s selfish
attitude. Has an impatient attitude been a problem? Who is the impatient individual? Are either impatient
or patient? Is an impatient attitude resulting in a blame game?
Any Heavy Baggage?
Heavy baggage from the past can destroy a marriage. One individual may bring consequences of past
relationships into the present relationship. Baggage can come from different life experiences. Addiction,
depression, abuse, debt, emotional hurt, and other baggage issues can become very heavy. Marriage will
not make heavy baggage disappear. Only Christ can lift the heavy baggage from an individual’s life.
Is there any heavy baggage weighing down the relationship? What heavy baggage from the past is one
or both of the individuals carrying around? Has Christ been allowed to lift the heavy baggage?
Personality Differences?
Two individuals that have different personalities may find difficulty in marriage. One individual may have
an outgoing personality, enjoy being around friends, spend time with immediate family members, work with
an ambitious attitude, and love to laugh. The other individual may be the total opposite. The individuals
may “be in love”, but eventually one or both individuals will become dissatisfied and frustrated.
Are there personality differences between the individuals? Have the differences caused any problems?
What measures have been taken to solve the personality differences? Has the attitude of “being in love”
interfered with having a clear focus of the relationship?
Raised in Different Family Atmospheres?
Cultural differences can bring about challenges. If one individual is raised in a Chinese family atmosphere
and the other individual is raised in an American family atmosphere, then differences may need to be
worked out. The same is true if one was raised in a wealthy family and the other individual was raised in a
poor family. Maybe the male individual is close to his parents and family while the female is distant from
hers.
The different family atmospheres need to be discussed openly and honestly before marriage. The male
that is close to his family will want to spend time around them even after marriage. Has the female
considered this? Does she feel jealous and envious toward the male and toward his family? Each other’s
family and background is very important in a marriage. A full understanding of the in-law’s roles should be
a topic of discussion. What questions have been asked about each other’s family background? Are there
any areas of concern about the roles of the in-laws?
Pre-Marital Counseling?
Pre-marital counseling needs to take place as soon as possible in a courtship. Individuals tend to either
do away with pre-marital counseling or approach the counseling with a casual attitude. A casual attitude
can be seen when individuals half-heartedly believe that they only need a few weeks of pre-marital
counseling with a pastor or counselor. The individuals are concerned that the pastor or counselor will try
to destroy their relationship by pointing out “unnecessary areas of concern.”
Take pre-marital counseling very seriously. Allow more than a few weeks with a pastor or counselor.
Take quality time to invest with them. The pastor or counselor will discuss important issues, warn what to
expect after the honeymoon is over, and prepare for any disillusionments that may exist about marriage.
Has either individual taken a casual attitude towards pre-marital counseling? Why has not pre-marital
counseling begun? Does the fear of a counselor or pastor trying to destroy the relationship prevent pre-
marital counseling?
Roles Defined?
The roles in the relationship need to be properly defined according to the Bible. God is the Head of
Christ, Christ is the Head of every man, the man is the head of the wife, the wife willingly submits to her
husband, the husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church, and both husband and wife become one
in Christ (Mark 10:6-9; 1 Corinthians 11:1-3, 8-12; Ephesians 5:22-25; Colossians 3:18-19). The
leadership roles are simple to understand, may be difficult to follow, and require a willingness from both
individuals to live according to the Bible.
God created the male and female to be equal. Yet they were created to be different. The male was not
made to complete the female. Neither was the female created to complete the male.
God made the male and the female to complement each other. Only Christ can complete an individual.
Have the roles been properly defined in the relationship? Does the male take on the responsibility of the
spiritual leader? How does the female react to submitting to the male? Has each individual willingly made
a decision to live according to the Bible? Does the female complement the male and the male complement
the female? Is each individual complete in Christ?
To Marry or Not to Marry?
Marriage is a real commitment between real individuals for a real lifetime. Marriage is not a fairy tale and
should be taken very seriously. Each individual must seek the Lord’s guidance, seek the wisdom of
teammates, evaluate the answers to important questions, observe real-life settings, and understand that
marriage is a lifetime commitment that is made before God.
The male individual must make the choice to marry or not marry the female. The same holds true for the
female. The Bible contains an in depth passage that speaks about getting married (1 Corinthians 7:25-
40). The decision may not be an easy one to make. Time may need to be spent thinking about the
responsibility of marriage.
The time spent pondering marriage requires soul-searching. Each individual needs to ask themselves
questions. A few questions could be as follows: “Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life
with?”; “Do I sincerely believe that marrying this person is God’s will for my life?”; “Am I ready to face
marriage’s responsibilities?”; “Were the teammates honest in saying I should wait to marry this
individual?”; “Can I truly say the relationship is centered around Christ?”; “Have I evaluated growth in the
areas of friendship, communication, fellowship, and romance?”; “Can conflicts be resolved together by
rooting out the problem?”; “Am I mature enough for marriage?”; “Do I comprehend that marriage is twenty-
four hours per day, seven days a week, and three hundred sixty five days a year (including leap year)?”;
“Does the person I am going to marry suffer from commitment phobic?”; “Are we patient or impatient with
each other?”; “Have I allowed Christ to take away all of my heavy baggage?”; “Are our personalities
different or similar?”; “Does each of our family’s atmosphere pose any problems between the two of us?”;
“What did the pastor or counselor suggest during pre-marital counseling?”; “Is there any truth to the
pastor or counselor’s suggestion?”; “Do I deserve better?”; “Are we doing what is best for each other by
getting married?”; and “Do I marry or not marry this person?”
Summary
Individuals that feel that they are ready to move from courtship need to take their time and not get ahead
get of themselves. The questions that have been presented are not an exhaustive list of questions. Make
sure to listen to the heart and not just to the feelings.
CHAPTER 3
ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP
Individuals in a courtship may come to a point that they feel the relationship needs to end. The
relationship is not heading towards marriage. This chapter discusses what may cause the relationship to
end, obeying God’s will in ending the relationship, and moving on with life.
Causes That Lead to Ending the Relationship
One or both of the individuals in a courtship may be “hanging on” to the relationship. The reality is that
the relationship needs to end. The reasons for ending a relationship will vary, but the following are some
examples that the relationship is not moving towards marriage.
Doubt
If one or both of the individuals have any type of doubt about the relationship and where it is heading,
then the relationship needs to end. Be honest about the doubt. Admit that doubt is a big concern at the
present time. No one is under any obligation or pressure into getting married.
Spiritually Out of Sync
After evaluating the spiritual life of the other person, the male or female may conclude that the other
person is spiritually out-of-sync. Christ is not the center of the relationship. The female may have been
pretending to be spiritual but did not live out her faith. Clearly, the relationship is destined for failure.
Major Character Flaws
The relationship is suffering in one or more of the following areas: friendship, communication, fellowship,
or romance. One or both individuals will recognize major character flaws in each other and possibly in
their own lives. The friendship could be growing apart. In-depth communication is lacking in the
relationship. Fellowship through Bible study and prayer time is not genuine. Pure romance is nonexistent
and does not appear to be of importance to one or both individuals. These character flaws are major and
the relationship is suffering.
Conflict Cannot Be Resolved
Conflict is a major problem. Every time temper flares, one of the individuals refuses to get to the root of
the problem. Arguments are taking place on a regular basis. In public and in private, quarrels can arise
over small issues. The relationship feels like a battlefield instead of a healthy courtship. Evidence has
proven time and again that the unhealthy courtship does not contain a positive attitude in resolving
conflict.
Not Ready to Accept Responsibility and Commitment Phobic
After thinking about all of the responsibilities that are involved in marriage, one of the individuals may feel
that they are not ready to accept those responsibilities. This could be the result of immaturity or refusing
to put aside the flesh’s selfish nature. The thought of being responsible for a spouse and eventually
children is too overwhelming. The male may not be ready to accept responsibility as the family’s provider
and suffers from commitment phobic. Some maturing needs to take place, thus the relationship is finished.
Teammates Are Not Supportive
One, two, or all of the teammates that were assembled do not support the individuals in the courtship
getting married. Observations in real-life settings and a view of the relationship from the outside may
cause the teammates to develop their conclusion. Items of concern that have been brought forward for
discussion were not handled in an appropriate manner. After the individuals in the courtship have
analyzed the teammates’ comments, the decision needs to be made to dissolve the relationship.
Too Much Heavy Baggage
Heavy baggage is causing consequences in the relationship. The baggage is too much for the individuals
to cope with. One of the individuals has refused to let go of the baggage and let Christ lift the heavy load.
The courtship has not helped in doing away with the baggage and marriage will only present more
problems.
Difference in Personalities
The outgoing and ambitious individual is not getting along with the non-outgoing and non-ambitious
individual. One person’s personality seems to clash with the other’s personality. The opposite
personalities do not attract and are frustrating to both individuals.
Family Atmospheres Too Different
The cultural differences, the upbringing differences, and closeness of one’s own family are way too
different. The male cannot accept the differences of the two cultures. The female is jealous of the male’s
relationship with his family. For the benefit of the individual’s, marriage is out of the question.
Pre-Marital Counseling
Pre-marital counseling revealed some important issues that were exposed. Maybe the casual attitude of
one of the individuals meant that he or she would approach marriage with the same attitude. The pastor
or counselor’s words are true and will be followed. The relationship is nothing more than a disillusion.
Definitions of Roles
The roles were properly defined but one of the individuals is unwilling to submit to their role in marriage.
Maybe the female feels that a twenty-first century wife is to assume the leadership role. The male may
feel that the female does not complement him in the relationship. One or both of the individuals are
unwilling to live according to their respective roles.
Ending the Relationship
The time may come that the relationship must end. The decision to end the relationship may be difficult to
do. The following ideas can assist in ending the relationship.
Discuss With a Trusted Friend
Seek a trusted friend to help process the feelings that are associated with ending the relationship. The
trusted friend may be one of the teammates. Make sure the trusted friend does not try to convince or
sway the decision. Ask the trusted friend to listen and provide honest feedback.
Immediately
Do not waste any more time in the relationship. Once the decision has been made, immediately end the
relationship. Understand that feelings may be hurt. The result may be painful. Be honest about the
feelings and do not make any excuses. Now is better than later to end the relationship.
Let Christ Handle the Breakup
An individual that is ending the relationship needs to let Christ handle the breakup. Christ will comfort His
child and help heal any pain that may be associated with the breakup. In the midst of the emotions’ chaos,
Christ provides comfort and peace (Philippians 4:6-7).
Be Tactful and Truthful
When the relationship ends, do not seek revenge. An individual does not need to be cruel or mean while
ending the relationship. Hurt and pain will probably be associated with the breakup, but calm down and be
truthful in sharing feelings. An individual that tells the truth can positively shed light on the relationship
and the other person. The thought of telling the truth may be frightful but can actually help the other
person realize an area(s) that need to be worked out in his or her own life.
Courage
Be courageous. Ask Christ to distribute courage in breaking up the relationship. An individual may feel
pressure to move forward towards marriage or may decide to get married out of fear of never finding
another person to marry. Trust Christ’s guidance.
No Follow-Up
Once the relationship has been ended, do not follow-up through a phone call, e-mail, or for hanging out.
Move on with life. Each individual needs to put the past behind and continue living life as normal. A
superficial friendship will emerge if both individuals want to be “just friends.”
Move On With Life
The relationship is over. Life is not. Move on with life and persevere (Romans 5:3-5). Learn from the
experience. Allow Christ to ease the pain, grow in Christ, and enjoy spending time with family and friends.
Get actively involved, if not already, in a Bible-believing church. Continue to build character for a future
relationship. Live life for Christ (Philippians 1:21).
God is working everything for the good of those that love Him (Romans 8:28). The circumstance is not
greater than God. Trust God’s sovereignty, wisdom, love, and direction (Proverbs 3:5-6). Do not worry
about tomorrow. Just trust and obey Christ for there is no other way. God will make a way when there
seems to be no other way. God’s plans and thoughts are of peace and to give an expected end (Jeremiah
29:11-12).
Summary
Many items can cause a relationship to break up. If one individual feels that the relationship is not
heading towards marriage, then end the relationship. As difficult and tough the decision may be, allow
God to guide and direct in making the decision. Move on with life. God has a greater yes just around the
corner. Take God’s hand and allow Him to lead the way.
CHAPTER 4
TIME TO BUY THE RING
Each individual in the relationship realizes the courtship needs to proceed towards marriage. The male
decides to search, find, and purchase the perfect ring. Time has been spent in real-life settings, asking
questions, receiving answers, gaining input from teammates, and seeking God’s will. This chapter will
explore some ideas to prepare the relationship for engagement.
Together Make a Lasting Impression
Genesis 24 tells of Isaac and Rebekah’s love story. Rebekah had not met Isaac yet, but he made a
lasting impression on her. Isaac was a man of prayer. He spent time with God and searching out His will
for life. The desire to fellowship with God is very important. As Rebekah was on her way to meet her new
husband, she sees Isaac meditating in the field.
Individuals that are preparing for marriage need to become a man or a woman of prayer. Together the
couple needs to have the desire to fellowship with God. This desire should be the couple’s motivation in
life. Make each day count by allowing God to work and move in life and in the relationship. The
individuals in a relationship need to make lasting impressions by staying in God’s presence as a couple.
The relationship will be built on Christ.
Study God’s Word as a Couple
The individuals in the relationship need to study God’s Word as a couple. The Word of God is a lamp
unto the feet and a light unto the path (Psalm 119:105). The couple can learn Scripture together, reflect
on sermons they have heard, pray for each other, and live out their faith. The marriage ceremony may
not be immediately but the decision to be rooted and grounded in God’s Word will prepare the couple for
marriage.
A Plan for the Proposal
The male individual needs to develop a plan to propose to the female. First of all, seek her parents’
permission. The parents may be deceased or may not be involved in her life, then seek the permission of
a Godly gentlemen or lady that is responsible for the female individual.
The male individual will first meet with the female’s father, or other person. The father will either give his
blessing or will not give his blessing. By this point in the relationship, the father will probably give his
blessing on the relationship. Once the blessing has been given, then began planning how and when the
proposal will take place. Some females do not want family and friends to be present at her proposal.
There are some females that do want family and friends present. The male individual will have to
determine the family and friends that will be or will not be present.
Pick out the place and time. Involve a team that will help. God will provide the strength to propose. Most
proposals go something like this, “I have waited for a long time for the Lord to send me the love of my life.
I know without a doubt that God brought us together. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. From
the depths of my heart, I love you. Will you marry me?” The female will be so excited and overwhelmed.
She will probably start screaming and hollering, “Yes! Yes! A definite Yes! I will marry you!”
The Engagement
Many items need to take place during the engagement. A wedding date and place has to be determined.
Invitations are picked out. The list goes on and on. Each couple will have their own lists to accomplish
during the engagement. Enjoy the time spent planning, preparing, and paying for the upcoming wedding.
Summary
The individuals in the relationship move towards marriage. The couple makes a lasting impression
through prayer and study God’s Word together. The male individual seeks the blessing of the female’s
father, devises a plan, buys the ring, and pops the big question “Will you marry me?” If the female says
yes, the engagement time begins. This time is spent in planning, preparing, and paying for the upcoming
wedding.
CHAPTER 5
CONCLUSION
The purpose of this research paper was to focus on questions and concerns that assist in determining if
the relationship needs to end or move towards marriage. A variety of questions were explored. Questions
such as “Do friendship, communication, fellowship, and romance mean anything in the relationship’s
growth?”, “What causes a relationship to end?”, and “When is it time for the male to buy the ring?”
The research intended for individuals in a courtship to answer the research problem. Each individual,
after taking inventory and evaluating the relationship, can make a decision about the future. If the
courtship leads to marriage, then the individuals can enjoy their time together as a couple.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Adams, Samuel, and Ben Young. The One: A Realistic Guide to Choosing Your Soul Mate. Nashville:
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Eagar, Rob. Dating With Pure Passion: More Than Rules, More Than Courtship, More Than a Formula.
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Harris, Joshua. Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship. Sisters: Multnomah Publishers, 2000.
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Zacharias, Ravi. I, Isaac, Take Thee, Rebekah. Nashville: W Publishing Group, 2004.